Rustum and Sohrab Have Some Family Problems

Okay so we were talking about Iran

that’s good because apparently a lot of crazy shit goes down in Iran
or at least it used to
back in the good old days where lots of crazy shit went down basically everywhere
but anyway yeah this particular crazy shit takes place in Iran

so there’s this guy in this war
the guy’s name is Sohrab
and the war doesn’t have a name
because at this point in history everything is wars
so Sohrab has a serious case of insomnia
and right around dawn he ends up waking up the commander of his army
(the army of the Tartars, by the way)
and being like Peran-Wisa
this war is great and all
but I am really more interested in locating my absentee father
his name is Rustum and he is a super famous sword dude
could you maybe consider cancelling the war tomorrow
and just challenging the Persians
(those are the dudes they are fighting)
to some single combats with me?
the way I look at it it’s a win-win
see either I win and I get famous and then Rustum hears about how great his son is
OR
I lose and I die
oh wait that actually sounds more like a win-lose
whatever same difference
and Peran-Wisa is like you know this is a really dumb plan right?
you could probably do something less dumb
like put up posters or post on missed connections or something
but oh well I guess I wanted a vacation from this war anyway
sure
go nuts

so a couple hours later
when everybody is all awake and prepared for war
Peran Wisa steps out in front of his army and he’s like yo guys
no war today
war is cancelled
instead we are going to watch Sohrab do something suicidally reckless
HEY PERSIANS
DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANYONE FOR SOHRAB TO BE SUICIDALLY RECKLESS AT
and the Persians
who are just now getting ready to stab their daily quota of Tartans
are like oh titbiscuits
if we say no we’re gonna look like total pussies
but if we say yes then Sohrab is gonna spearfuck a bloody ravine through our champion
OH WAIT
LOOKS LIKE WE’VE GOT THE GREATEST WARRIOR IN THE WORLD ON OUR SIDE
HIS NAME IS RUSTUM AND HE JUST SECRETLY ARRIVED YESTERDAY
HOW COULD WE HAVE FORGOTTEN

so the Persians send a dude to go wake up Rustum
who is just jerkin’ off with his tent
eating gourmet meets and manhandling a falcon
this is what happens when you become a famous war guy
so yeah the messenger is like yo Rustum
there’s a dude out there who wants to fight a dude
do you wanna be that dude?
and Rustum is like no find a different dude
i’m busy jerkin’ it and manhandling this falcon
and the messenger is like oh i’m sorry
there must be a magician in this camp
who saw that I was trying to hit up Rustum the immortal war champion
and bamboozled me into visiting the tent of Rustum the UNBELIEVABLE WUSSNEXUS
boy that magician sure did a number on us didn’t he buddy
well i’ll just be leaving now
and Rustum is like FINE
I’LL DO IT
BUT I’M GONNA DO IT IN DISGUISE
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
and the messenger is like sure dude
whatever tickles your taint

so Rustum puts on some super anonymous armor and he goes out to the battlefield
and Sohrab sees him
and he INSTANTLY recognizes him as Rustum the immortal war dude
and he runs up to him like OH SHIT RUSTUM IS THAT YOU?
and Rustum is like hmm
if I tell him it’s me
he’s probably gonna shit himself with fear and then try and get me to accept gifts
and then boast to all his friends
that only the immortal war dude Rustum had the balls to challenge him
and that he bought me off with gifts
FIGGITY FUCK THAT
so he’s like NO BITCH I AIN’T NO RUSTUM
YOU KNOW WHAT I AM?
THE DUDE WHO IS ABOUT TO STAB YOU IN THE CHEST
and then they proceed to kung fu fight
but with sharp metal objects instead of kung fu

so basically Rustum is super strong
he is so strong he wields a fucking TREE as a club
but Sohrab is super fast
and so he just ends up dodging everything Rustum can throw at him
and getting his sword up against Rustum’s throat and being like alright dude
i think we’ve both made our respective points
yours being that you suck and mine being that I am awesome and i kicked your ass
I don’t really want to fight you that bad though
how about instead we adjourn to my tent and get shitfaced
and Rustum is like BOY
I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR PRANCY-FANCE SISSY-BOY DODGING
WHASSAMATTER TUMBLECUNT?
WORRIED YOU MIGHT BREAK A NAIL?
HOW ABOUT I BREAK YOUR FAAAAAAAAAACE
and Sohrab is like fuck well okay I guess
and then they fight again

but see this time the battle is so intense that even NATURE gets excited
the sky starts shitting thunderbolts
and the river starts having a siezure
and then Rustum’s horse starts screaming
not whinnying, mind you
SCREAMING
and then Rustum gets so pissed off he turns into a pokemon
and just starts yelling RUSTUMMMMMM
and Sohrab is like OH SHIT DID SOMEONE SAY RUSTUM?
HOW DID THEY KNOW THAT THAT IS THE MAGIC WORD THAT MAKES ME DROP MY WEAPONS?
so he does and then Rustum stabs him
and that’s the end of that super dramatic battle

So Sohrab is lying in the dirt
dying
and he’s like my only regret
is that I totally never got to see my dad who I love so much
his name is Rustum maybe you have heard of him
and Rustum is like BULLSHIT
RUSTUM DIDN’T HAVE NO SONS
and Sohrab is like dude
Rustum is a goddamn war SUPERSTAR
you think he didn’t get a little poontang on the side?
I assure you he did my friend
he got poontang on ALL THE SIDES
and I am the result of some of that poontang
although I guess it is possible my mom told Rustum I was a girl
because she was afraid Rustum would train me for wars?
here look I even have Rustum’s name tattooed on my arm
what more proof do you need
and so rustum sees that shit
and he’s like FUUUUUUUUCK
THIS IS SO PREDICTABLY IRONIC
NOW I GOTTA BURY MY SON AND MOURN AND SHIT
and his son is like oh yeah
also
make sure to be double famous to make up for the fact that I’m dead now
and Rustum is like FUUUUUCK
FINE
I mean I’ll try
but I’m already getting poontang on all the sides
it is hard to upgrade from that
and Sohrab is like well you gotta try man
maybe upgrade to 4 dimensional shapes or something
just
tryyyy…
and then he dies
and Rustum lets the whole Tartan army go and doesn’t murder any of them
and then he mourns about his son and it’s awful

so the moral of the story
is you can either have sex indiscriminately
OR kill indiscriminately
doing both is a recipe for dramatic irony

the end

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9 thoughts on “Rustum and Sohrab Have Some Family Problems

  1. you think he didn't get a little poontang on the side?
    I assure you he did my friend
    he got poontang on ALL THE SIDES

    You are Dave Strider. Don't lie.

  2. For some reason the shift from "Tartar" to "Tartan" army is goddamn hilarious.

    It's like a delicious sauce that wanted to be Braveheart!

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