Saint Catherine of Alexandria is an Execution Hazard

GUYS GUYS
THIS GREAT AWESOME LADY MADE ME A BEOWULF SWEATER
I WISH I HAD A THOUSAND OF THESE
BECAUSE THAT IS APPROXIMATELY HOW MANY I WILL NEED TO WEAR WHEN IT GETS COLD HERE
BUT YEAH ANYWAY THIS SUPER CLASSY LADY
(Known in underground cage-fighting arenas everywhere as Kate “The Hate” Bates)
WANTED ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT ANOTHER SUPER CLASSY LADY
NAMED SAINT CATHERINE OF ALEXANDRIA
SO LET’S DO THIS

Alright so Saint Catherine

like most saints this chick was precocious as fuck
like by the time she was seven years old she was already swearing off sexytimes
even though there is no wholesome way she could even know what those WERE
and then she devotes the fuck out of herself to god and jesus and things
and people start to kind of think she is pretty rad
score one for catholocism, am I right guys?

NOT SO FAST
CAUSE HERE COME THE INFIDELS, RUINING EVERYONE’S DAY
Specifically there is this king Maxentius
who is just rampaging up and down the countryside
throwing christians of cliffs and stapling them to bears and shit
and Catherine is having none of that shit
so she shows up at Maxentius’s crib like yo
enough with the stapling christians to bears
and Maxentius is like OH YEAH HOW COME?
and Catherine is like BECAUSE CHRISTIANITY, THAT’S HOW COME
and Maxentius is like oh man that argument is watertight how do I even BEGIN to argue
better call FIFTY PHILOSOPHERS TO DO IT FOR ME
so he does
and Catherine proceeds to brutally subdue each and every one of these philosophers
WITH SHEER FORCE OF RELIGION
this is like a dialectic version of that scene in kill bill
where uma thurman brutally swordrapes the crazy 88
ANYWAY
by the time the dust clears all fifty philosophers are THOROUGHLY CONVERTED
and Maxentius is like fuck
who is going to do my arguing for me now?
Oh I know
HOW ABOUT MY DUNGEON
so he beats the shit out of Catherine and throws her in jail
then he goes out to staple more christians to bears
problem solved right?

WRONG
because while Maxentius is gone, his wife is dumb enough to visit Catherine’s cell
at which point Catherine just instantly converts her to christianity
and also a bunch of other people
and Maxentius comes home like DEAR GOD CATHERINE
YOU ARE LIKE SOME KIND OF RELIGIOUS PLAGUE-BEARER IN MY PLEASANT HEATHEN HOME
What do I gotta do to get you to give this shit up?
huh?
you want a royal marriage?
Bam
royal marriage ahoy
and Catherine is like uh nope
I think I would rather hang out in this prison cell converting your wife
and Maxentius is like OKAY FUCK IT PLAN B YOU GET STAPLED TO BEARS
but he’s all out of bears so they have to use this wheel they found
with like a bunch of knives hot-glued to it
like some kind of crazy knife-wheel
but come on
who thought a knife-wheel was a good idea?
no sooner do they strap catherine to that shit
than it EXPLODES
sending wood and knife shrapnel DIRECTLY THROUGH THE FACES OF EVERYONE IN THE CROWD
THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR RUBBERNECKING, ASSHOLES
and Maxentius hears about this and he’s like okay
geeze
just behead her, guys
enough with the fancy stuff
and then they behead her
and guess what
she REFUSES TO BLEED
that’s right, guys
Saint Catherine of Alexandria was a TIME-TRAVELING CHRISTIAN ROBOT THE WHOLE TIME

so the moral of the story
is when it comes to executions
keep it simple
you never know when you’ll have to execute a saint or a robot or something

the end.

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4 thoughts on “Saint Catherine of Alexandria is an Execution Hazard

  1. Can we see the Beowulf sweater? It sounds almost as nifty as an exploding knife-wheel, and much more suitable for weekends spent lounging on the sofa.

  2. I am a big fan of you pursuing this hagiography track further. Can we get some Saint Margaret and the dragon? Pleeeeeeease? Or one of the cross-dressing saints? There is ALL KINDS of awesome shit in saints' lives.

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