Sam Spade looks like SATAN

Today’s myth comes from a little book I like to call
“The Maltese Falcon”
because that’s what it’s called
it is basically what you are thinking about
if you are thinking about noir fiction
and it goes like this

so Sam Spade looks like satan
let’s get that out of the way right up front
because over the course of the book
this is something you get told like A MILLION TIMES
if you are not sure about anything else that is going on
in this labyrinthine detective novel
just remember:
the main dude
the one you like
is SATAN
but like
a buff satan
cause this is AMERICA

okay so Sam Spade is in his office
and a hot chick is also in his office
and this hot chick wants to pay Sam and his partner Miles 200 bucks
to follow some dude who she says fucked her sister
Sam thinks her story is total bullshit
but he likes the look of her 200 dollars
and Miles likes the look of her body parts
so they take the case

cut to like 3 minutes later
Miles is dead
so is the guy he was following
it’s like 3AM and Sam is like fuuuuuck
you guys woke me up at 3AM
and now I have to look at dead bodies
this is bullshit
(oh yeah
i didn’t mean to imply those two guys were in the same place
Miles is in a dead-end alleyway [no pun intended]
and the other guy is in a hotel or something
honestly i forget)
and the police are like hey sam
do you know anything about all these murders
and Sam is like yeah
I know that you can go fuck yourself
then he goes home and gets WASTED

SERIOUSLY
dude drinks like a whole bottle of Bacardi
and when the police bust into his apartment at 4AM
he’s like sup guys
would you like some rum
while I stumble around the room telling you to suck my nuts?
and the police are not pleased with his behavior
but then they leave because Sam is way too blackout drunk to tell them anything
this is going to happen like NINETY MORE TIMES

okay so then I guess he sleeps off all that rum
and he goes over to the apartment of the chick who hired him
whose name is Brigid
and he’s getting followed by this weird scrawny kid
but he loses the kid and goes up to Brigid’s place
and is basically like yo bitch
everything you told me was a lie
prolly even your name
but fuck it, i’m not learning another name
and now my partner is dead
and it’s not like I really liked him
in fact, I’m fucking his wife
but this kind of shit is bad for business
so tell me what’s up
and Brigid is like here’s what’s up
I will give you like 500 dollars
to protect me from all the people
who are legitimately pissed off at me
for doing something I’m not going to tell you about
you are going to accept this sketchy deal because I have boobs
and Sam Spade is like what
i’m sorry I was too busy looking at your boobs and looting your wallet

so spade goes back to his office
and there’s this dude there named Cairo
who offends Spade with his effeminate sense of style
and also the gun he is threatening Spade with
so spade takes the gun with basically no problems
and then Cairo is like hey
no hard feelings
how would you like 10,000 dollars to get me a statue of a bird
you may recognize it
ITS NAME IS THE TITLE OF THIS BOOK
and spade is like That actually sounds pretty awesome
and then Cairo leaves
and Spade goes over to Brigid’s place like alright
what the fuck is this about

so Brigid does a bunch of crying and shit
and lies her ass off for a while
and then she’s like Okay I really need to talk to Cairo
so spade takes her over to his place
and he calls up Cairo
and Cairo comes over and Brigid is like I can get you the bird
but not right now
and then Cairo gets all pissed and pulls out his gun
and spade punches him
and then the fucking COPS show up
and spade has to tell them this goofy story
about how all the people screaming and pistol-whipping each other in his house
are really just there as part of an elaborate ploy
to prank the police
which works, for some reason
but Cairo leaves with the cops anyway
and then Spade basically uses scare tactics
to convince Brigid that it’s not safe for her to leave his apartment
and that instead what she should do
is hang out and have sex with him
so that happens

then in the morning he leaves her passed out in bed
and goes and ransacks her apartment
and finds nothing
then comes back home and is like ALRIGHT
ONE NIGHT STAND COMPLETE
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE
then he gets himself kidnapped by that kid who’s been following him
and taken to meet this fat asshole named Gutman
who keeps saying “Gad” instead of “God”

So Gutman is like Dude
do you even know what this bird is that everyone wants?
and Spade is like Nup
and Gutman is like Okay, lemme tell you for like a million pages
TL:DR – it’s a gold bird some knights used to pay their rent to the king of spain
some dude painted it black because it was way too tacky
it’s worth like a billion dollars or something
so then Gutman is like I WILL GIVE YOU FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR THE BIRD
and Spade is like Sure, yeah
gimme a minute
I need to go outside and cause more problems

So he goes back to his office and Brigid is there
and she’s like waaaaaah
some dude ransacked my apartment while we were getting our bone on
and Spade is like oh shit
your apartment is not safe
better have sex with me more in my apartment
and Brigid is like I have a better idea
how about I skip town
and Spade is like that’s a GREAT idea
here, use my secretary’s house
she lives with her mom
but she won’t mind
she’s used to being an accessory to crimes
then he puts Brigid in a cab and sends her to the suburbs

thus begins the portion of the novel
where all the characters line up in single file
so sam spade can take turns telling them to go fuck themselves
first he tells the cops to go fuck themselves again
then he tells it to the district attourney
then he tells it to that skinny kid who followed him
then he tells it to Gutman
who poisons him with rohypnol for laffs
then he wakes up
and finds out that Brigid didn’t go to his secretary’s house
instead she went to the docks
and everyone knows nothing good happens at the docks
other than like one time I saw a crazy sea-carnival
they pushed two boats together and they juggled fire and shit
it was sweet as hell

so he looks at some newspapers and figures out what boat she was looking for
because oh yeah, I forgot to say that this story takes place in San Francisco
and before she was in San Francisco Brigid was in Hong Kong
and there’s only one boat that just arrived from hong kong
and also
that boat is on fire
so that’s sort of a dead end

and you know what else is a dead end?
the mortally wounded sea captain who chooses this moment
to bust into spade’s office
carrying a brown paper package
containing THE MALTESE FALCON
so spade watches this dude die
and then he takes the bird
and mails it to himself
because no ring of criminal masterminds is a match
for the UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE

then Brigid calls him up and tells him they’re holding her hostage
out in the burbs
but it turns out that’s totally bullshit
and when he gets back to his apartment
everyone is in there, causing a ruckus
everyone being Brigid, Cairo, Gutman
and gutman’s scrawny boyslave Wilmer
the one with the guns Spade has already stolen once

so Gutman is like Alright dude
we have tried basically every flavor of bullshit on you
and now it comes down to this:
give us the bird
and I will give you ten thousand dollars
and Spade is like sure okay
but you also have to frame one of your dudes
because otherwise the cops are gonna raw-dog me straight into retirement
I’m too much of a magnificent asshole to retire
I think we’ve established this
so I say we pin all the murders on your boy Wilmer

Obviously wilmer isn’t pleased about this
so Spade punches everyone in the face and takes all the guns
and then he’s like Okay guys
I really have like 100% of the bargaining chips right now
and Gutman agrees
so Spade has his secretary go get the bird from the post office
and everyone prepares to be phenomenally fucking wealthy

so the bird arrives
and they open the package
and they take out a knife to cut off the paint and see the delicious gold beneath
except WHAT THE NUTS
THIS BIRD IS NOT MADE OF GOLD AND JEWELS
IT IS MADE OF LEAD AND DISAPPOITMENT
apparently the dude they stole this bird from in Turkey
was way too crafty for them
and pulled some crazy indiana jones shit with a fake bird
so Gutman loses his shit and takes 9 of the 10k back from Spade
and then he and his boys leave
and Spade calls the cops on them
and then it’s just Spade and Brigid
alone in the apartment
so obviously they bone, right?

WRONG
because Spade chooses this very moment to reveal
that he totally knows who killed his partner
IT WAS BRIGID THE WHOLE TIME
She used her feminine wiles to lure him into an alley
with the sweet promise of handjobs
and then when he was in there, she shot him
why, you ask?
No one seems to really know the answer to that
basically she was on the run after stealing this bird
(which she gave to that sea captain who got shot
like for safekeeping
and that’s why that boat was on fire I guess)
and she picked up this bodyguard in Hong Kong
but she didn’t want to split the money with him
so she figured if she hired a private detective to follow him
he’d freak out and run
but he didn’t
so instead
she … shot the private detective she hired?

so he tells Brigid all this
and she’s like BUT YOU STILL LOVE ME, RIGHT?
and Spade is like Bitch
I may not have liked my partner very much
in fact I’m still kinda fucking his wife
but in my business
we have a saying you may have heard:
Bros
Before
Hos
You think you’re special?
There are three female characters in this book
you, my secretary, and my partner’s wife
I have fucked ALL OF YOU
I have pulled literally 100% of the tail in this narrative
and you think I am going to shack up with a cold-blooded psychopath
because she gives good handjobs?
Nice try, murderpuss
say hello to prison for me.
Then he sells her out to the police
and has to give up the thousand dollars as evidence
so in the end
nobody is happy
which is just the way Sam Spade likes it

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is that you should never pay someone an exorbitant amount of money
to solve murders
that YOU YOURSELF COMMITTED
seriously people
this is like murder 101

The end.

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