Sir Bors is just Batshit Insane

Oh holy shit guys

I totally forgot
about the least important knight
out of ALL the knights that get to see the holy grail
honestly that’s still not that bad though
considering there are only four dudes who get to see it
and one of them is Galahad and that was kind of a foregone conclusion
so i’m gonna put off telling the actual graily part for ONE MORE DAY
and instead tell you about SIR BORS

so this Bors guy
I mentioned him before
he’s Lancelot’s nephew
the one who gets Lancelot to stop being a little baby
and come murder dudes and fuck Arthur’s wife instead
and he is also the dude who shows up at Elaine’s castle
right after Lancelot leaves the first time
and sees the holy grail for a quick second
and then trips balls
and hallucinates a bunch of leopards fighting dragons and junk

BUT THAT IS NOT ALL MY FRIENDS
he is also the dude who makes the most STUPIDLY STRICT OATH
in the name of finding the grail
here is the story of THAT shit

so basically
right at the beginning
when all the dudes start setting out to look for the grail
Bors goes to a church and is like hey god
only gonna eat bread and water from now on
also gonna wear a super uncomfortable shirt
only sleep on the floor
and bang no women WHATSOEVER
(i mean he wasn’t getting laid to begin with but still)
and god is like I LOVE SUFFERING
YOUR REWARD:
HALLUCINATIONS
so that’s why he sees all those dragons and shit
but with great power comes A WHOLE LOT OF POINTLESS BULLSHIT
because god resolves to test the fuck out of him
or maybe it’s satan that does that
it is a VERY FINE LINE MY FRIENDS

so the first test
is Bors has to rescue this damsel
you know
like you do
and then the dude who is keeping the damsel is like BITCH IMA KILL YOU
and Bors is like FUCK
KILLING IS SUDDENLY AGAINST MY RELIGION
BETTER JUST BEAT THIS GUY WITH THE FLAT OF MY SWORD TIL HE GIVES UP
so that works
TEST ONE: PASSED

but the next test sucks significantly more
because like ten minutes later
Bors is riding through the woods
and he sees TWO SHITTY THINGS HAPPENING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS
one thing is a chick being chased by a knight who is gonna bone her
and the other one is his best bro Lionel getting BEAT BY THORNS
he only has time to save one or the other
so what does he do
he chooses the maiden
which understandably pisses off his brother Lionel
BECAUSE THIS IS A TEXTBOOK VIOLATION
OF BROS BEFORE HOS
but I guess god doesn’t see it that way
because test number two is considered a RESOUNDING SUCCESS

then the god gets bored and cranks the shittiness knob up to 11
because the next thing that happens
is this priest runs up to Bors
like DUDE
THERE’S A CHICK IN THAT TOWER OVER THERE
IF YOU DON’T HAVE SEX WITH HER RIGHT NOW SHE IS GOING TO DIE
and Bors is like that sounds incredibly fishy
but i’ll see what I can do
uh
AS LONG AS IT DOESN’T INVOLVE SEX IS WHAT I MEAN
so he follows the priest to the tower
and there is a chick in there
and she’s like yeah basically i need your cock
or I die
pretty simple
and Bors is like um sorry toots I kinda made an oath to god?
and the chick is like COME ON MAN PASS THE CANOLIES
I’M LITERALLY DYING OVER HERE
and Bors is like nup
and the chick is like IF YOU DON’T BANG ME I WILL JUMP OFF THIS BALCONY
and Bors is like that’s gonna really suck for you
i mean you’re not gonna get laid
and THEN you are also going to be dead
double whammy
and the chick is like HOW ABOUT TWELVETUPLE WHAMMY ASSHOLE
IF YOU DON’T USE YOUR PENIS ON MY RIGHT NOW
I AM ALSO GOING TO PUSH MY TWELVE LADYSERVANTS OFF THE BALCONY
and Bors is like has anyone ever told you you come on kind of strong?
and the chick is like FUCK THIS IMA TURN INTO DEMONS
THIS WAS ALL A TEST BY THE WAY AND YOU PASSED
so that’s THREE wretched experiences courtesy of god
but at least they are SUCCESSFUL wretched experiences

but number four is the real doozy
because this is when the whole bros before hos thing
really comes to bite him in the ass
see his bro Lionel survives the whole getting beat with thorns thing
and when he wakes up from his pain coma
he is like BORSSSSSSSS
(even though bors TOTALLY found his body after he passed out from pain
and brought him to a monastery to recover)
anyway he tracks Bors down
and he is like HEY DUDE
DO YOU KNOW THE ALPHABET?
and Bors is like kind of
why?
and Lionel is like WHICH LETTER COMES FIRST
B OR H
and Bors is like uh it’s B right?
and Lionel is like CORRECT
SO TELL ME SPERMCLOWN
HOW IS IT
THAT YOU CAN POSSIBLY JUSTIFY
PLACING HOS
BEFORE BROS?
THIS SHIT IS CODIFIED IN THE FUCKING ALPHABET
THERE IS A PROTOCOL
and Bors is like dude chill out
and Lionel is like DON’T TELL ME TO CHILL OUT
I WILL DO THE OPPOSITE OF THAT
TIME TO REMOVE YOUR SKULL
and then a hermit shows up like hey no don’t do that
so lionel KILLS HIM
OBVIOUSLY
I MEAN WHAT ELSE DO YOU DO TO HERMITS
and then another one of the round table dudes shows up like hey quit it
doesn’t matter who he is
cause Lionel KILLS HIM TOO
but first he chases him around for a while
while shitty mcworthlessknight is like hey
hey stop it
hey Bors why aren’t you helping me
i was trying to save your life dude what the fuck
and Bors is like it’s this whole no killing thing
it’s a really restrictive rule when you are a knight
and then Lionel comes back over like alright dude
i think i’ve killed everyone in a ten mile radius
i think we are alone now and i can kill you
and Bors is like don’t do it man
we are bros remember
i mean shit
my name is an ANAGRAM of bros
and Lionel is like you should have thought of that BEFORE you gave priority to hos
but just then
GOD finally decides to show up
and he’s like dudes just stop fighting
this is profoundly stupid
even I think it’s stupid
and stupid shit is pretty much all I ever do
like for example:
this whole fiasco
it was my fault
gonna go ahead and put an end to it now if you don’t mind
and then Bors gets on a pure white boat he found just now
and sails away to find the grail
leaving Lionel to feel like shit forever

so the moral of the story
is some people prefer bros
and some people prefer hos
but in the end
everybody just gets arbitrarily tortured by god

the end.

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2 thoughts on “Sir Bors is just Batshit Insane

  1. "so the first test
    is Bors has to rescue this damsel
    you know
    like you do"

    Clearly! And I love how all the sexy ladies on the grail quest are either sworn virgins or demons in disguise. Because, as you like to point out, god is quite the sadist.

  2. "because god resolves to test the fuck out of him
    or maybe it's satan that does that
    it is a VERY FINE LINE MY FRIENDS"

    F*ing brilliant. This totally needs to be a bumper sticker.
    -Californianinkansas

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