Sir Gawain Gets Married?!

Alright
everybody stop what you’re doing
and congratulate helpful robot Andrew and cyborg bride-to-be Jessica
on their sweet-ass engagement
OH SHIT WAIT NO DON’T STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING KEEP READING KEEP READING
because graverobbing action hero Maxx Moribund payed me INTERNET CASH DOLLARS
to serenade you fuckers with a sweet myth about gettin’ married
in honor of this momentous occasion
and i had to search my fucking ASS OFF to find one where everybody doesn’t get killed
or like exiled or raped or their eyes get cut out or whatever
and I’ve already done Atalanta
so i had to break my moratorium on Arthurian nonsense
to tell you THIS THING:

okay so Sir Gawain right
everyone knows he is the ultimate ladies’ man
this is a dude who wakes up every morning
and rolls out of bed INTO A THREESOME
A TWO CHICK THREESOME MY FRIENDS
BECAUSE GAWAIN IS 100% SUPER HETEROSEXUAL
THIS IS CANON
but in this story
Sir Gawain gets married?
RECORD SCRATCH
WHAT?!
ok hold your incredulity horses my friends
i will explain

okay so Arthur right
he is rolling around England with all his dudes
fucking up bad guys and whatever
when all of a sudden they run into this huge asshole
i forget his name i think he’s a baron or something
whatever it doesn’t matter
this dude is like OY
ARTHUR
FIGHT ME
and arthur is like sure ok
lemme just draw my swordOH SHIT WHERE’S MY SWORD
and the huge asshole is like HAHA BITCH I STOLE IT EARLIER
NOW I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU WITH IT
and arthur is like aw balls
being alive has been pretty sweet for me
i am kind of reluctant to stop doing that
and asshole mcshittyknight is like WELL ALRIGHT
HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO EMBARASS YOURSELF
BEFORE I INEVITABLY KILL YOU
HERE IS HOW WE ARE GOING TO DO THIS
YOU HAVE ONE YEAR TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WOMEN WANT
AND IF YOU CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT
I WILL KILL YOU WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING SWORD
ladies
be honest now
is this not objectively better
than the plot of EVERY CHICK FLICK EVER
cast John Cusack in that motherfucker
INSTANT BOX OFFICE GOLD

so Arthur is like aw fuck
I can’t even find the clitoris
how am i going to find out what women want
at which point Gawain is like AHEM
THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HIS WAY AROUND A HOOHA
COME ON UNCLE
LET’S SET SAIL ON THIS VAGINAL VOYAGE
YOU CAN BE THE CAPTAIN
I WILL BE YOUR POON SEXTANT
(all in favor of replacing “wingman” with “poon sextant” say aye)

so Arthur and Gawain go off trying to figure out what women want
and they are having NO LUCK WHATSOEVER
or actually
they are having WAY TOO MUCH LUCK
because everyone has a different fucking idea of what women want
even women
which explains a lot honestly
some people are like MONEY
and some people are like BIG MUSCLES
and some people are like SEXYTIMES
and some people are like COMPLIMENTS
or maybe FLOWERS
or TONS OF HUSBANDS
or A JETPACK
oh wait no
fuck
that’s me
I want a jetpack
man if i could find a woman with a jetpack
i mean
that would be one-stop shopping right there

anyway they spend a WHOLE YEAR on this nonsense
and they have a bigass stack of things women want
all of which are TOTALLY UNSATISFACTORY
and they’re on their way back to where that asshole lives
to get murdered
WHY DO THESE GUYS ALWAYS OBEDIENTLY RETURN TO THE DUDES WHO WANNA MURDER THEM
THAT’S LIKE IF SOMEONE CAME UP TO YOU IN THE STREET AND WAS LIKE
HEY
COME OVER TO MY HOUSE SOME TIME
I’LL PUNCH YOU IN THE SPINE AND THEN YOU HAVE TO PAY ME A MILLION DOLLARS
AND YOU WERE LIKE OHHHHH SHITTTTT
GUESS I GOTTA GO DO THAT NOW

but anyway yeah they’re on their way back to get killed
and suddenly some ugly chick jumps out of the bushes like BOO
and holy shit
this is the chick
that the ugly stick got beaten with
seriously it looks like her facial anatomy just decided to call in sick
but then the manager got pissed off and dragged it into work anyway
but it wasn’t kidding
it was actually sick
and then it vomited all over the place out of spite
like she’s got an eyeball up on her forehead kind of doing its own thing
and her mouth is like a twizzler of hatred
and her nose is pretty much like what would happen
if pinnochio crossbred with an accordion
I’M CALLING RULE 34 ON THAT SHIT
anyway this bitch is basically ruining everything with her face
like birds are dropping out of the sky and chipmunks are crying
and arthur and Gawain’s dicks straight up retract into their lungs
and the chick is like hey guys whats up
and arthur is like uh
not much
just on our way to get killed
and the chick is like oh shit well
i can help you with that
because see
i know the answer to that riddle the dude asked you
and arthur is like GAWAIN WILL TOTALLY MARRY YOU IF YOU TELL ME THE ANSWER
and the chick is like ok sounds good
and she writes down the answer for him
and then she’s like see you later handsome
and Gawain vomits a little

so the ugly chick leaves
and Gawain turns to Arthur like
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and Arthur is like chill out
you don’t have to actually marry her
she already gave me the answer to the riddle
it’s not like we live by a strict code of honor or anything
oh wait
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
oh well at least it’s not me that has to marry her

so they go meet that huge asshole who caused all these problems
and he is like OK WHAT DO WOMEN WANT
and Arthur is like well
women want to be allowed to make their own decisions
which is actually a pretty enlightened fucking answer
and the asshole knight is like AAAA FUCK YOU
YOU TOTALLY RAN INTO MY SISTER DIDN’T YOU
THAT UGLY CHICK IS MY SISTER
GOD DAMMIT I’M GONNA SET THAT BITCH ON FIRE
and then he gallops away to do more shitty awful things

so the day is saved!
yay!
but wait
Gawain still has to marry that gross puddle of hideous
and sir Kay
who is always looking for an opportunity
to talk shit about people who are better than him
is like DAG YO I WOULD NOT MARRY THAT CHICK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING
and Gawain is like listen
i am a guy who only accepts shitty propositions
i have a reputation to uphold
MARRIAGE AHOY

so he marries this chick
trying not to touch or look at or smell her the entire time
and then they retire to some sexy private chambers
to do the marital lap-slap
and Gawain is like oh man i’m going to vomit i can’t do this
and the chick is like well if you’re going to vomit
at least do it while kissing me
and he kisses her and WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
SUDDENLY SHE IS A HOT CHICK
and Gawain is like um?
and this chick
(whose name is Lady Ragnell)
is like ok well i mean you should have seen this coming dude
come you get magically pranked so fucking often it’s obscene
but yeah basically i had an evil stepmom and blah blah blah
BUT THERE IS A CATCH
i’m not gonna be this fine piece of ass at all times
you gotta pick whether i’m gonna look like this during the day or at night
and Gawain is like SWEATY CRUSTY BALLS
if I have her be hot at night
then we can bang like crazy
but then during the day I can’t take her ANYWHERE
i’m gonna be so unpopular
but if I make her be hot during the day
i might as well stick my dick in a fucking trash compactor
aaaa i can’t make this decision
hey hot chick
how about YOU decide
I trust your sexy lady judgement
and Lady Ragnell is like YOU JUST SAID THE MAGIC WORDS
ALL WOMEN WANT IS TO BE GIVEN THEIR WILL
PLEASE TO ENJOY PERMANENT HOTNESS STARTING NOW
and then Gawain suddenly has a really hot wife forever
and she also has lots of personality because she was ugly for so long
and basically it is great and everyone loves it
except for Sir Kay but fuck that guy

so Andrew
this story has a very important lesson in it especially for you
(this lesson is also for everyone else but don’t tell Andrew
I want him to feel special)
basically the moral of the story is
if your special lady presents you with a set of choices
and all of the choices are terrible for you
tell her to make the decision herself
she’ll love it
trust me

THE END

(seriously though congratulations.)

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27 thoughts on “Sir Gawain Gets Married?!

  1. Yay! I was anxiously awaiting this one…it was probably my favorite piece of Middle English Shit I read in undergrad (most of the other good Arthurian shit doesn't count because it's either in French or it's Malory, which is only barely Middle English-ish). This made my morning much better.

  2. I am PRETTY WELL AMAZED that someone came up with the idea of letting ladies make their minds up, that long ago. It's still hard to make people do that now and it's friggin' 2011 AM I RIGHT LADIES?

  3. I can't believe you bitches bought this plaigarized piece of shit – it's a joke that's been floating around the 'net since 1984. And to put push to the pin, the writer screwed up the punchline. It's just BAD & UGLY WRITING!

    BTW adding all the vulgarities only makes the story and its important point as strong as a fart in a windstorm.

  4. Dude, this is totally the Wife of Bath's Tale, too. Only, ya know, there's no anonymous chick who gets raped at the beginning. Gotta love how in the Middle Ages there were pretty much no new stories.

  5. you are an epic bard. and Aye on the poon sextant thing if one lone voice from south africa means anything to ya. grats on the 1st hater…or are they all Sir Kay reborn for the modern times?

  6. Oh man I have south african peeps! I have never been to South Africa but one time I drank some wine from there and it was pretty good!

  7. You'd think Gawain would've seen that curse-break coming earlier, seeing as the answer she gave to Arthur WAS LITERALLY THE PUNCHLINE TO THE STORY

    • There are clearly only two answers to this situation:

      - they’re Arthur (or Gawaine) reincarnated as an unfortunately scrawny nerd

      OR

      - they’re not a dumbass like Arthur (or Gawaine)

  8. Whaaaat? I thought the original answer was Gawain was like, ‘dude, I don’t want you to be super ugly day OR night, because that’s how I roll, so you will be ugly day AND night!’ And apparently that worked, but it doesn’t matter. Ovid- you are awesome, and your stories are hilarious!

  9. i love your stories and this one was amazing as usual how do you make all this so funny? it has to be magic and aye to poon sextant thing from nz as well :)

  10. ::looks up::

    Another Rachel?! Crap, now we have to duel. I’ll get the swords…

    Also, I love this story. Mostly because Gawain is an unstoppable force of sexy badassery – oh right and also that feminism thing.

    P.s. Aye for poon sextant from Boston, but only if I can be a titcaptain.

  11. I’m half surprised nobody suggested that Gawain could have said “hey, if you’re hot during the day, we can bone at breakfast and brunch and lunch and teatime and stuff, right?” The version of this tale that I remember best was slightly less loophole-friendly–she specified that she could either be super-hot when alone with him and ugly as a jar of smashed assholes around everyone else forever, or vice-versa. So Gawain still kind of had to decide between having awesome fun sexytimes OR having to fight his buddies and enemies and everyone else all the time for making fun of his apocalyptically hideous wife. (Still ended the same, though, where he went “how about you pick” and she went “POOF CURSE BROKEN LET’S BANG”.)

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