Smugglin’ Babies

so i feel like i have not been focusing enough on Zeus’s dick lately

lets change that
by talking about this one time
when zeus was just cruisin around
pickin’ mortal women to bone
and he sees this priestess named Semele
in one of his temples
sacrificing this bull
and then swimming naked in a river
because she got all covered in blood
so zeus
who is an eagle right now
is like WHOA BABY
GOTTA GET ME SOME OF THAT
and immediately starts having an affair with her
now hera finds out about this
as she always does
i mean like first of all
after the number of women zeus has slept with
you would think he would learn to like
cover his tracks a little bit?
second of all why is hera still his wife
i mean is it that
he is like
so incredibly unfaithful
that it wraps around and he is actually a good husband?
anyway hera finds out about this shit
and instead of divorcing her husband
she decided to prank him
so she goes down to earth and finds Semele
and is like hey i am zeus’ wife
and semele is like SHIT DON’T KILL ME
and hera is like ha ha ha im not going to kill you
i am fine with my husband’s infidelity for some reason
in fact i just wanted to let you know
that he and i have way better sex
than you and him
and Semele says i dunno man we have some pretty epic boner adventures
and hera says oh honey you dont even know
next time you two are doing the monster mash
ask him to stick it to you like he sticks it to ME
so semele says hmm ok
you can’t possibly have any ulterior motives for telling me this
i’ll do it
so next time she and zeus get busy
she is like hold on there bad boy
make love to me like you make love to your wife
and zeus is like aww man way to kill the mood
if i did that you would explode
and semele, thinking that he is speaking figuratively
is like come on handsome i can take it
and anyway i totally won’t believe you’re zeus
unless you do this
and zeus says ok i guess
it is pretty important to me for people to acknowledge my godhood
and he turns into lightning
and sets her on fire
and she explodes
and zeus is like aww dammit
i knew this was gonna happen
now i gotta save the baby i put inside her
especially since i’m pretty sure my wife is gonna try and eat it or something
so zeus grabs the baby
as it flies out of its mother’s exploding corpse
and thinks real fast and sews it up in his thigh
and then after a few months of walking very awkwardly
zeus goes and hides in a cave
and gives birth to this baby out his thigh
and this baby is none other
than dionysis
the god of drinking so much you give your grandfather fetal alcohol poisoning
and he grows up
and he goes and frees his mom from hades
and makes her a goddess
with a different name for some reason
(Thyone)
maybe so hera wouldn’t go catfight her ass
so basically what this story teaches us
is that in ancient greece
they hadn’t invented divorce yet
because otherwise hera would have zeus paying child support
on like NINE MILLION KIDS

The End

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2 thoughts on “Smugglin’ Babies

  1. This is brilliant. In fact this entire site is brilliant. Sometime when I have an extra twenty bucks laying around I'll give it to you. Good times will be had.

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