So I saw Thor

Alright so good afternoon guys
I hope you are having a good rapture
I’m autoposting this in case I ascend to heaven
although honestly
i do not expect my blog’s readership to be noticeably effected by this cosmic event
I hear ragnarok is scheduled for next thursday at three though
so uh
watch out for that

But so Ho-lee shit

I don’t know why they even called it thor
I probably would have titled it
LOOSE CONFEDERATION OF WUSSES
i mean
i understand it’s an adaptation of a comic book
which is an adaptation of the actual myth
and that’s why I’m not going to complain about little things
like how loki is not Odin’s son
or how Odin has no need to crown a new king because he’s NOT DYING
or how the frost giants are only like 7 feet tall tops
or how Sif is supposed to be thor’s wife
or how they call the Aesir “Asgardians”
or how Heimdall allows thor on the bifrost with Mjolnir
even though that would fucking BREAK THE WHOLE THING
or how Mjolnir is apparently “forged in the heart of a dying star”
instead of by some goldhungry dwarves who keep getting bitten on the eyes by flies
or how they decided to invent Fandral the Dashing
and Volstagg the Fat Idiot
while simultaneously ommitting Tyr, Baldur and Freyr
or how Thor refers to Midgard as “earth”
or how they came up with some bullshit called the Odin Sleep
which is basically just extended plot device nappytimes for Odin
or how people are actually afraid thor might die at any point
despite the fact that he is not prophesied to die until FUCKING RAGNAROK

no

I’m not going to complain about any of those things
i’m not even going to complain about how the only two characters I liked
were a dimensional gatekeeper who says maybe ten words over the course of the movie
and a female poli sci major
with the same first name as the main male protagonist from PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

and to be fair,
they actually did Loki pretty spot on
he started out with a really clever ploy:
get Thor to idiot his way all the way out of asgard
and then Odin Nappytimes happened so that made things work out even better
and then
right when he has the opportunity to put the win in the bag
he just stats shitting all over himself
like literally
he contracts the frost giants to come kill his sleeping dad
he BRINGS THEM INTO ASGARD
they get into the sleepytimes room
and BAM
that is when loki kills all of the giants
to make his father proud?
POINT ONE:
NOT YOUR DAD ASSHOLE
POINT TWO:
WEREN’T YOU TRYING TO BE KING A MINUTE AGO? THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF DOING THAT
POINT THREE:
YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO BRING THEM ALL THE WAY HERE TO KILL THEM
THERE IS A WHOLE ICEWORLD FULL OF THESE FUCKERS JUST RIPE FOR THE MURDERING

but again
not complaining about Loki’s shitty plan
because that’s pretty much the only kind of plan loki ever makes
no
you wanna know what pisses me off?
I’ll give you a hint:
his name is in the title
give up?
ahem

THOR IS A HUUUUUUUUGE PUSSY
huge
we’re talking hotdog down a hallway status
cucumber down a mineshaft
whatever
pick any phallic object
pair it with the cavernous passageway of your choice
and you’ve got a pretty good idea of Thor’s MO in this movie
seriously
here’s what happens in the movie:
Thor’s gonna get kinged
but then OH NO OOPS GIANTS ATTACK
now instead of being king thor gets pranked by loki into attacking the giants
and Odin
who for some reason DOESN’T WANT ANY DEAD GIANTS ANYWHERE
banishes him
then falls asleep because i guess banishing makes you tired
Loki decides he is king
which pisses everyone else off but they do not respond with violence for some reason
thor prances around on earth
talking in a british accent
occasionally behaving in an anachronistic manner
punching a couple dudes
but ultimately adjusting remarkably quickly
to a world with domesticated electricity and laws against murder
he falls in love with some chick
who ALMOST has the name as the author of Pride and Prejudice
and she falls in love with him because pecs
then there’s a huge fire robot and a handful of punches
then thor proves that the power was inside him all along
or actually it was in mjolnir
which is programmed to return to his hand as soon as he becomes pure of heart
then thor goes home and punches loki a lot
which isn’t much of a feat honestly
loki is trying to blow up Jotunheim with the bifrost
which is a gun now i guess
but then thor becomes king by destroying that gunbridge
and his dad wakes up and loki falls off a cliff
WHATEVER

if I had written this movie
it would have been ten minutes long
here is the script:

THOR: Hey dad i just found some frost giants trying to steal our shit so I killed them
ODIN: THIS IS TROUBLING INDEED
THOR: I figured I’d go over to Jotunheim and kill all the other frost giants
ODIN: SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN SON
(They high five. Thor goes to Jotunheim and kills all the giants. FADE TO BLACK.)

now ok
I realize this is more of a gripe about ODIN being a pussy
I mean what Aesir wants peace with ANYONE EVER?
but i swear Thor is a huge pussy too
I mean he finds himself in new fucking mexico
surrounded by puny earth people who hit him with TWO CARS
and he miraculously agrees to wear shirts and not constantly kill people
to prove my point I am going to be taking selected quotes from the IMDB page
and rewriting them as they should have been written to begin with:

Thor: How dare you threaten the son of Odin with such a puny weapon!
Darcy: [Darcy tasers him]
Thor: I’M THE MOTHERFUCKING GOD OF THUNDER
Thor: [Thor bites off Darcy's face]

Thor: [tasting coffee for the first time] This drink… I like it! More!
[smashes the cup]
Jane Austen: What are you doing?
Thor: It was good, I want another.
Jane: Then ask for one, don’t smash the cup on the ground.
Thor: DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Thor: [Proceeds to rampage through the diner, chucking patrons out of windows]

Thor: For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do…
Thor: Oh wait.
Thor: Punching.
Thor: How could I forget?
Thor: [Resumes Punching]

Thor: Can I come home?
Loki: The truce with Jotunheim is conditional upon your exile.
Thor: Oh. Well … Uh…
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
Thor: [Punches straight through Loki's sternum and then flies back to Asgard]

so
the verdict:
thor is a pretty good movie
if you’re really into movies that suck a whole lot

THE END.

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21 thoughts on “So I saw Thor

  1. As a comic book/mythological fan i was a little disappointed too, but it sticks pretty close to the comic books.

    Still, more punching would have been nice.

  2. YES! YES! I saw this the other day and kept getting so pissed off at all of these little details and finally my husband put his hand on mine and said, "You have to stop. We have two hours of this."

  3. GOOD GOD MAN
    okay yes I liked the movie guiltilyily BUT I STILL FAVOUR THE MYTHOLOGY OVER EVERYTHING, I LIKE IT WHEN THEY DO STUFF RIGHT and they did very little BUT IT'S…close to the comic books, like that other bro said

    AND THIS IS STILL HILARIOUS AND I'M SLAIN please talk about all the movies ever thank you
    (PASSION OF THE CHRIST??)
    (YES??)
    (no??)

    (no?)

  4. You totally have to answer this question: did Loki really did get his mouth sewn shut by the dwarfs he attempted to cheat?

    I'M EXPECTING A REPLY.

  5. I love you. In a purely mythological way, of course.

    Unless we're secretly siblings, 'cause that'd be mythologically appropriate, but ew.

  6. "a female poli sci major
    with the same first name as the main male protagonist from PRIDE AND PREJUDICE"

    Her name is Fitzwilliam?

  7. Second the Passion of the Christ stuff. More Christian stuff would make everybody happy and not offend anyone ever.

    Also, what is up with the Mormon ads on this site.

  8. Thor sewed Loki's lips together for shaving Sif's hair off. That's what I heard.

    In the movie, they called the Aesir *and* the Vanir Asgardians. Which sort of makes sense.

    And why didn't they write Thor's character the way you suggest? 'Cause they already made two Hulk movies is why.

  9. This? Pretty much perfectly summed up all the reasons I hated that movie. (Also, anybody noticed they turned Laufey – Loki's mum – into a dude?)

  10. People this movie is not supposed to be in reference to the mythology. Its is the marvel story not the+1000 year ago one. Research why this approach was taken. It falls in line with the other marvel movies that have recently came about. (Ironman, incredible hulk, ironman 2, captain America and next year avenger film) the movie was done well and directed well by Kenneth B. And was interpreted the way the marvel comics tell the story so if you have beef take it up with the guys who wrote the original comic not the film

  11. Loki fucks things up way better in real life. Also, the three warriors of Asgard (not counting the dozens of red shirts wandering around) were pretty pathetic when they actually had to face off against a single enemy … uuumm… where did Loki get a robot again? The frost giants had these robots kicking around and never thought to use them? Then again, making indestructible robots that breath fire is a pretty stupid idea if you’re made of ice.

  12. Kinda late but still needs to be said….
    You are an idiot. Not liking the movie is perfectly fine but complaining about it not following myth is incredibly stupid. It is a comic book movie based off of marvel’s adaptation of norse myth. How did you not know that before going into it? Your ignorance is literally astounding
    …I know this post is a year old but it annoyed me as much as the movie annoyed you.

  13. Kyrie A:

    He did know it. He said so.

    It’s his fucking blog. if he wants to be picky and hate on a movie, he can do it. If you don’t like it, don’t buy any t-shirts or read any more myths.

    Maybe you should have interpreted it as him complaining about the comic *via* the movie, since he apparently never read the comic. But instead you just call people names and insult them. That makes you seem like the jackass, now doesn’t it?

    Also, you aren’t “late” saying it – somebody else already said it nearly a year before you did, and with far more class than you. So step off your high horse and step out. This isn’t a platform for you to shove your sparkly tits into people’s faces. We don’t need that shit from you.

  14. I thought the movie was okay. Loki was the best part, I have to say. Now I wanna see The Avengers. So I can see more Loki.

    Loki was the best part.

  15. Wow most of the commenters (and blogger) are pretty dumb. This movie is based on the freaking marvel Thor comics, not the myths. I am not sure how anyone who decided to watch this movie aren’t aware of this fact. It’s pretty faithful to the comics and Loki had to get laufey the king of frost giants away from jotunheim to kill him because he is not suicidal or stupid to do it among frost giants in jotunheim. The destroyer belongs to Odin and Loki gets to command it because he is the ‘king’. While there are a lot of plot holes and weak acting (especially the midgardian parts) all the points people picked here makes me facepalm over the dumbness. Seriously read up before you talk like idiots and embarrass yourself.

  16. ALTERNATE.

    UNIVERSE.

    There! :D Problem solved!

    (Also, the best thing that came out of this movie was that I remembered how hilarious Loki is in the myths and decided to tackle reading the Eddas. So.)

  17. omg you guys its a fucking movie. about a comic book. NOT the actual mythology. if you got your heads out of your ass and opened your mind a little to the possibility of, oh i dunno, a different dimension where ironman and the hulk and shit coexist with beings of norse mythology, you might see that it was actually a pretty damn good movie. this specific blog was worse than an insufferable know-it-all in the audience of a con panel. i accept your opinion on the movie, as i accept anyones opinion on everything, but this is my personal opinion. you are an ass. tom hiddleston makes for a beautiful Loki. Your myth retellings are hilarious. cats are adorable. and thor is indeed a pussyass in that movie, but you dont have to go all psycho about it.

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