Spiderman: Like Batman, but for Spiders

Welp
as long as I’m doing superheroes
here’s another good one:

So Peter Parker is a big honkin’ nerd
this is a dude who has a pocket protector for his pocket protector
a graphing calculator watch
and glasses so thick it is a wonder that they do not fricassee his eyes like wayward ants
this dude is a capital N-E-R-D NERD
and as a nerd he of course has terrible hygiene
(yep
gonna go ahead and alienate my whole fanbase right about now
look out)
so naturally he has insects crawling all over him all the time
and this is why
when his class takes a field trip to a really catastrophically unsafe science lab
– that is full of nuclear weapons and spiders
that they keep RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER FOR SOME REASON –
all the spiders decide to throw a party on Peter’s face
and one of them bites him
and of course the one that bites him is RADIO-FUCKING-ACTIVE
so he gets leukemia

oh no wait
i read that wrong
it says he gets SUPERPOWERS
he gets all the superpowers that spiders have normally
like the ability to shit webs
and suck the juice out of living victims
and scare the shit out of me and crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping
if only peter parker had been bitten by a radioactive bear things might have been different
but then again
if he had been bitten by a bear
he probably wouldn’t have lived
because a bear
is ACTUALLY FUCKING DANGEROUS.

anyway, having spider powers is better than having no powers at all
so Peter Parker figures he owes a debt to society
a debt that can only be paid
BY UNDERGROUND CAGE WRESTLING
(or reality TV, depending on the version you’re reading)
but either way
he’s making bank
and then one day he lets some robber rob some dudes
because he doesn’t feel like getting in the way
but then joke’s on him
because that robber goes on to CARJACK AND MURDER PETER’S UNCLE
who is basically like his dad, really
because his real dad is dead
and now his uncle-dad is dead too
so that sucks

but WAIT!
before Peter’s uncle dies
he’s like PETER LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING:
WITH GREAT POWER
COMES GREAT
TIMES
BUT ALSO A GREAT EXCUSE TO KICK ASSES IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE
and Peter Parker
or should I say
SPIDERMAN
is like THOSE ARE WORDS TO LIVE BY
THANKS, UNCLE BEN
and then he goes on to have a lot of adventures
that involve a whole lot of really factually inaccurate science
and anatomically inaccurate babes
and he takes pictures for a newspaper and never stops trying to quit being a superhero

so the moral of the story
is that there is no rhyme or reason
to who ends up with superpowers.

The end.

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5 thoughts on “Spiderman: Like Batman, but for Spiders

  1. “and as a nerd he of course has terrible hygiene”

    Okay so once or twice I’ve combed the Cheeto crumbs out of my beard to use as seasoning on my mac and cheese.
    You don’t have to get all preachy about it, dick.

  2. No, dude, but you forgot the part where everyone he’s ever met in his life becomes a supervillain and his life sucks but then he gets married but then he SELLS HIS MARRIAGE TO THE DEVIL and everything sucks more after that.

    • How do you sell a marriage? I could see selling a wife, but a marriage? Did he just sell the bad parts so as to get a great marriage while he’s alive, and then when he dies he has to relive all the shitty parts, like getting into fights and changing diapers at 3 am and his wife getting bored with him, or him bored with her, or annoying in-laws, or . . . ?

      I should just look it up but I don’t care enough.

      Thanks, Ovid, for giving me a good reason to continue being lazy. I really didn’t want to read Spiderman comics, so now I know it all and don’t have to, right? 😀

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