STAR WARS, Episode V: Even fewer planets blow up

So when last we left our heroes
they had just blown up a big ball of apocalypse called THE DEATH STAR
and everybody got prizes and junk
but ALL IS NOT WELL
because remember that floating space-text from the beginning of the last episode?
WELL IT’S BACK
AND IT’S STATING THE OBVIOUS
it’s all
“Hey guys welcome back to star wars
Luke Skywalker totally rocked that death star
but it doesn’t matter, because the Empire has like a million ships
so they kicked the rebels off their home planet anyway
and now Luke has lead them ACROSS THE GALAXY
to hide on some godforsaken ice world called Hoth”
I don’t know how Luke got to be the leader all of a sudden
blowing up a big spaceship doesn’t exactly qualify you for command
but I guess that’s why everyone ended up on A GODFORSAKEN ICE WORLD.

Anyway, now that the flying space-text has gone off to bother someone else
let’s get down to business:
So Darth Vader has no idea where the rebels are at
and he attempts to solve this by having his whole fleet shit out like a million probes
and one of those probes lands on Hoth
where Luke Skywalker is busy getting his ass beat by a yeti
and then freezing to death in the snow
and then the ghost of Obi Wan Kenobi appears like “Luke
take off your clothes
the snow will not harm you
also you should ditch all your friends and go to planet Dagobah
and find this dude Yoda who used to teach me stuff”
so luke’s getting his full delirium on at this point
but it’s okay
because Han Solo saves him by finding him in the blizzard and stuffing him inside a dead animal.

Yeah, Han Solo is still hanging out with the idiot patrol
even though he’s clearly got more awesome shit to do
because he really, REALLY wants to bone Princess Leia
and she is totally down
but she’s gotta pretend like she’s not
and do weird shit like make out with Luke while he’s injured
in a desperate attempt to keep pace with Han Solo’s own douchebaggery

Anyway, there’s no more time for romantic subplots right now
cause remember that probe that hit the planet earlier?
It totally sent a message back to Darth Vader
and now he’s here
with like 100% of the guns
and the Rebels have to haul ass to get off the planet before Vader sets it on fire
a couple of dudes get blown up, but they weren’t very important
basically if Luke exchanges witty banter with anyone right before he gets into his fighter
that dude is about to die
and no one is about to care.

So now Luke is in space
bout to rejoin all the other rebels and go wherever rebels go
but then he’s like “wait a second
why am I rejoining all the rebels
when I could instead be listening to more of Obi Wan’s shitty advice?
SEEMS LIKE A NO-BRAINER TO ME.
YO R2D2:
NEXT STOP
DAGOBAH”
(oh yeah, R2D2 is with him in case any problems need to be miraculously solved)

Meanwhile, Han Solo is busting all manner of fancy maneuvers to escape the Imperial fleet
and he’s maybe even showing off a little
because he managed to con princess Leia into getting on board with him
along with Chewbacca and C3PO
(in case anyone needs to make a bunch of crazy yelling noises or be afraid of everything)
so Han is hauling ass away from the bad guys
but his hyperspace drive is broken
so he opts for the next best thing:
FLYING DIRECTLY INTO AN ASTEROID FIELD
AND THEN ACTUALLY INSIDE OF A HUGE ASTEROID
UP A GIANT SPACE-WORM’S ASS
AND THEN OUT OF ITS MOUTH
only he didn’t count on Darth Vader sending his entire fleet into the asteroid field
sustaining UNTOLD DAMAGE for the sake of four space-jerks in a broken ship
but he thinks fast
and instead of running away
he just charges straight for one of those imperial cruisers
and latches onto the back of one of the guard towers and pretends to be
like
a space barnacle
until the cruiser jettisons its garbage and then he just floats away with it
EXCEPT WHAT HAN SOLO DIDN’T COUNT ON
WAS BOBA FUCKING FETT
who is just some bounty hunter who sounds like Tom Waits trying to be mean over an intercom
but he also happens to be clever enough to follow Han and crew
all the way to their destination in someplace called CLOUD CITY
oh yeah, and Han and Leia have been totally making out this whole time.

MEANWHILE
Luke has crashed his plane in the middle of a swamp on Dagobah.
Wait what am I saying
this whole planet is a fucking swamp
why would a Jedi master willingly choose to live here? This is terrible.
Well, luke is clearly wondering the same thing
and he’s just settling down to eat some dinner
when this creepy green muppet shows up
and just blithely starts sticking its wrinkled proboscis into all the food
and not just food either
this little dude is just romping around, stealing Luke’s shit
and then just when Luke is about to punt his green dwarf face off
he’s like “MM
LOOKING FOR YODA, YOU ARE?
LEMME TALK REAL WEIRD AND STRING YOU ALONG FOR A WHILE
BEFORE ULTIMATELY REVEALING THAT THAT’S WHO I AM”
and Luke is like “Sounds good, Yoda.
Alright, listen
you seem perhaps even more radically stupid than Obi Wan
so I know you must be a formidable Jedi.
Will you teach me your stuff?”
and Yoda is like “Nope.
You are not chill enough.”
and Luke is like “Dude!
I am so chill though!
Watch, this is me being chill!”
and Obi Wan’s ghost is like “You know he’s right, Yoda
he is pretty chill”
and Yoda’s like “okay, fine
but if shit gets fucked up I am not taking responsibility.”

What follows is one of those training montages
in which yoda repeatedly insists that Luke use the force to lift stuff
while doing handstands.
the handstands seem to be crucial.
Then one day Yoda tells luke to go into a cave
luke starts to put on his weapons
but Yoda is like “nah man, you don’t need those”
and Luke is like “Now wait just a goddamn minute
every single piece of advice you robe-wearing
telekinesis-having disaster engines have given me
has been 100% certified terrible.
Pardon me if I don’t believe you when you say I don’t need weapons in the scary hole.”
HOLY SHIT
DID YOU SEE THAT GUYS?
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THIS STORY
LUKE IS SHOWING THE FAINTEST STIRRINGS OF SOME CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS?
and it’s a good thing he brought his weapons, too
because you know who’s in that cave?
DARTH FUCKING VADER
so Luke kills him
but then Vader’s mask comes off and it’s actually LUKE’S OWN FACE
OHHHHH NOOOOOO LUKE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
YOU CUT OFF YOUR FACE WITH A LASER SWORD
oh no wait it was just a hallucination or something

so long story short luke keeps training on Dagobah
until all of a sudden he’s like “OH NO
MY FRIENDS ARE IN DANGER.
I GOTTA GO SAVE THEM”
and Yoda is like “No dude, be chill”
and Luke is like “HOW CAN I BE CHILL WITH ALL THIS DANGER FLYING AROUND?”
and Yoda is like “Dude, if you go now
you will totally not be ready to defeat Darth Vader
and he’s going to make you his bitch
and then you might turn evil!”
and Luke is like “Hey:
Whatever”
and then he flies off in his spaceship.

MEANWHILE IN CLOUD CITY
Han Solo has landed at the home base of his old bro LANDO CALRIZZIAN
who so far wins best name in Star Wars.
Lando is an ex-smuggler/gambler
who has risen to the position of pimpmaster general of the mining operation on cloud city
I am not sure what they mine way the fuck up there
but it must be something good
because Lando has a sweet cape and an army of cyborg soldiers
and he is hitting on Leia so hard I am surprised she does not have a concussion.
Also C3PO makes himself useful
by immediately wandering off and getting exploded.

But so it turns out that Lando is a huge prick
who made a deal with Darth Vader
that if he turned in Han Solo, the Empire would leave Cloud City the fuck alone
so now Darth Vader is here, ruining everything
and everyone gets thrown in prison
including C3P0, who chewbacca found and partially rebuilt
and is carrying around in a kind of fishnet backpack.
But how did Darth Vader get here so fast, you ask?
Well, cause of Boba Fett
DUH
and Boba Fett wants Han Solo
so he can turn him over to that big slug Jabba the Hutt
the one Han owes a bunch of money to.
so they freeze-dry han solo
and lock everyone else up
and THIS IS WHEN LUKE ARRIVES

but here’s what luke doesn’t know:
Darth Vader totally set all this shit up just to trap him and turn him evil
Darth Vader spends a lot of time thinking about this shit
while encased in an evil black robot egg in his study
or else while talking to a giant wrinkled hologram head
basically what I am saying is that darth vader has laid a trap
and Luke Skywalker has just flown across the galaxy to stick his dick in it
and he’s really got no excuse
because when he gets to Cloud City
he catches a quick glimpse of Leia getting carted off
and she’s like “LUKE:
DUDE:
IT’S SO COMPLETELY A TRAP.”
But I guess Luke has really gotten into this whole not-listening-to-advice thing
having learned that his Jedi Masters are generally full of shit
so he figures Leia must be full of shit too
and he just walks right into the freeze-drying-dudes chamber
where Darth Vader is waiting for him

so they swing their laserdicks at each other for a while
and Darth Vader tries to get luke to be really evil
or at least fall in the freeze-dry pit
and then finally he’s just like “fuck it”
and he chops off Luke’s hand and he’s like “You know what?”
and Luke is like “Ow, What?”
and Vader is like “I’m your dad.”
and Luke is like “Bullshit.”
And Vader is like “No, for real though.”
and Luke is like “Well shit, why didn’t anybody tell me?”
and Vader is like “I dunno dude
that seems like the first thing you would tell somebody
who is about to go try to kill his dad.
But hey, come on
let’s go rule the galaxy together as father and son.
I can get you a sweet new robot hand
and you can have one of these weird masks too if you want
and we can get James Earl Jones to do your voiceover.
It’ll be great.”
And Luke is like “You know, actually I’m a little bit hurt
that all this time
my dad has been emperor of the galaxy
and yet you never bothered to call or write or anything.
We live in an era of faster than light travel.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Thanks for the offer,
but I think I’d rather hurl myself blindly to my death in this pit we’re standing over.
DECISIONS!”

So Luke jumps off a bridge and falls down a bunch of tubes
and then he uses his telepathy to tell Leia to come get him in Han’s spaceship
because yeah, guess what?
While Luke was busy learning about family history
Chewbacca, C3PO, R2D2, Leia and even Lando Calrizzian all managed to escape
ON THEIR OWN
with nothing but their wits and Lando’s army of obedient cyborgs
so it looks like Luke hauled ass all the way across the galaxy and got his hand chopped off
FOR NOTHING
although i guess it’s not a big deal
because he gets a fully articulated robot hand in the very next scene
and everyone agrees that this is awesome
and that they will all meet up back on Tattooine in the next episode
to go get Han Solo out of deep freeze.

So the moral of the story
is that I guess blithely ignoring everyone’s warnings and advice
isn’t ALWAYS the way to go.

TO BE CONTINUED AGAIN

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