Tam Lin is Really Good at Rape?

it’s been a while since anyone got raped on this website huh?
I mean I already did most of the good zeus myths
and apollo couldn’t get his dick through a football goalpost
granted those are pretty high off the ground
but he can FLY for fuck’s sake
NO EXCUSES

so with that in mind
today’s myth comes recommended by a couple of people
they are the hivemind known as LAYZARR “TERROR TARTAR” FISTBUMP
and this is their story:

so there’s this dude Tam Lin right
he hangs out in the forest near this castle
and the king of the castle is like HEY ALL THE LADIES
DON’T GO IN THAT FOREST
IF YOU GO INTO THAT FOREST ONE OF TWO THINGS IS GOING TO HAPPEN:
1: TAM LIN WILL STEAL YOUR SHAWL
or 2: TAM LIN WILL RAPE THE HELL OUT OF YOU
so yeah
why the fuck would you even go into the forest anyway
all they got is trees and bearshit
oh yeah and shawl-stealing rapists

but the king has this daughter Janet
(SLUT!)
and she is like no way dad you’re not the boss of me
I’m gonna go into that forest
and I am going to thwart tam lin by stuffing my shawl up my kilt
HOW YOU GONNA STEAL MY SHAWL NOW TAM LIN HUH?
here’s a thought Janet
MAYBE HE WILL STEAL IT BY RAPING YOU
(as a side note
the ballad as written says that janet “kilts” the shawl
that alone makes me want to wear a kilt
just so i can kilt things)
i mean here’s what I don’t get
you’re going into the woods
knowing full well that there is a dude there who will steal your shawl
and if he can’t find the shawl he is going to rape you instead
so your brilliant defensive strategy is to HIDE THE SHAWL RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR VAG
thus virtually assuring hours and hours of molesting action
oh nevermind
i totally get it now

so janet goes into the forest and starts wantonly murdering roses
and KAZAAM
here comes Tam Lin like NAWW BITCH
TAKE YO HANDS OFF THOSE FLOWERS
and Janet is like fuck you I do what I want
and Tam Lin is like that’s funny so do i

CUT TO THE PALACE
so Janet comes home with a basket full of roses and a kilt full of rape
and the king is like OH NO DAUGHTER YOU’RE PREGNANT
and Janet is like FUCK DAD HOW DID YOU KNOW
I knew I shouldn’t have gotten you that pregnancy radar for your birthday
and the king is like DAMMIT JANET
THAT’S A SIN
and Janet’s like no dad it’s fine
I’ll just get an abortion
and the king is like oh ok cool
and Janet is like time to go pick some abortion plants
but where might i find such plants
oh I know
how about in the forest haunted by a dude who rapes you every time you pick plants
HEAVEN FORBID
sorry dad looks like it’s the only way
seriously I’m pretty sure this was the inspiration for the rocky horror picture show

so Janet goes back into the forest
making sure to kilt the hell out of her shawl of course
and she starts picking morning-after glories and coathanger weeds or whatever
and here comes Tam Lin like SHAZAAM
BITCH I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL
PUT DOWN THAT COATHANGER WEED
and Janet’s like chill out dude
I just wanted to get your attention and your cell phone was dead
so who the fuck are you anyway?
and Tam Lin is like welp
basically I am this knight or something
but then faeries kidnapped me
and it’s been pretty sweet
except that tomorrow is halloween and that means they’re gonna kill me for no reason
and Janet is like FUCK
HOW DISTRESSING/CONVENIENT
HOW CAN WE SOLVE THIS SO WE CAN BANG MORE?
and Tam Lin is like well basically
tomorrow night we are all gonna ride by on horses
you gotta grab me off my horse
then they are gonna turn me into some real dangerous shit
like a lion and some hot pans and stuff
then they are gonna run out of ideas and turn me into a naked dude
and Janet is like oh baby I can live with that
let’s DO IT
so they do it
then the next day they execute the plan
FLAWLESSLY
then they do it some more
and the faerie queen is like DAMMIT TAM LIN
IF I’D KNOWN YOU WERE PLANNING TO NOT GET MURDERED BY ME
I WOULD HAVE TAKEN YOUR EYES AND REPLACED THEM WITH TREES
YOU HEAR ME?
TREEEE EYESSSSSSSS
but Tam Lin cannot hear her over the sound of Janet’s tongue in his ear

so the moral of the story
is that being a slut is pretty much awesome

THE END

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5 thoughts on “Tam Lin is Really Good at Rape?

  1. Fuck yeah Tam Lin! I have about a dozen different recordings of this song. What can I say, my mother exposed me to Fairport Convention when I was young and impressionable.

    Awesome breakdown as always! The Rocky Horror shout-outs raised it to a level of awesome beyond expectation.

  2. Actually, the verb "to kilt" means to tuck up. So when you kilt something that you're wearing as a skirt, you grab the back hem of your skirt from the front, draw it between your legs, and tuck it into your waistband so that it basically makes your skirt into retarded looking pants.

    I can't find pictures on the internet simply because typing "kilt" is gonna get you scotsmen

  3. HA! Clearly I am behind on my myth-reading. I am ALL ABOUT Rocky Horror as a Descent to the Underworld story (I, um, might have done a Samhain/Halloween ritual based on it…), and yeah, there are more similarities than I would've thought of on my own. All Janet needs is a dopey boyfriend, and she's all set…actually, I think I like this way better. Here the knight/sweet transvestite doesn't get killed by the jealous fairy queen/domestics, so Janet doesn't have to leave the Underworld! SWEET.

  4. yoooo in most versions it isn’t rape and having it be rape makes the rest of the story really gross and make no sense

    since this is a story in which a dude is basically a bond girl, shame. shaaaaaaame

  5. Okay, to be fair to Alex, in some versions of the ballad, it’s pretty clear that Tam Lin can get a little rapey, it’s just not so much rape as “FUCK ME NOW PLS” with Ms. Janet.

    I mean, they make a point of saying she was wearing a green kirtle in most versions I’ve seen. Traditionally? Green is a color that ATTRACTS fairies. Girl knew what she was doing.

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