Teig O’Kane Disposes of a Body

William Shatner suggested this myth
but not the William Shatner you’re thinking of
ROBOT William Shatner

So there’s this dude Teig

he
is
WORTHLESS
he has this huge inheritance from his dad
and as tends to happen in these stories
he is squandering it AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
actually it’s not even an inheritance
his dad is still alive
Teig is just TAKING HIS MONEY
and funneling it into WHORES
sometimes he is literally funneling it into them
with funnels
no one likes it
not the whores
not teig
but it’s the principle of the thing, ok?

but one day this dude fucks up
he fucks up and he gets some chick pregnant
and word gets back to his dad
and his dad is like SON
I HAVE STOOD IDLY BY WHILE YOU FUNNELED ALL MY MONEY INTO THOSE WHORES
BUT THIS IS THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE WHORE’S
UH
YOU KNOW
HERE’S THE DEAL
EITHER YOU GET MARRIED TO THIS CHICK
OR I AM GIVING ALL MY MONEY TO MY NEPHEW
WHO I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN THE MONEY TO A LONG TIME AGO BECAUSE YOU SUCK
THE END

(that was Teig’s dad saying the end just now
that is not the end of the story
look, it continues below!)

so Teig is like aw man what the fuck dad
way to kill a dude’s boner
you know what
just for that
I’m gonna be a big sulkypants and go wander around on the moors at night
THE MOORS:
WHERE GOOD THINGS ALLLLWAYS HAPPEN
by the way
this may just be all the acid i took
but it looks like all my capital letters are written in blue
wordpress
what are you doing to my capital letters
I need those for yelling

so anyway, Teig goes wandering
and pretty soon it’s midnight
and he’s standing by a road
and a bunch of dudes come by talking in a STRAAAANGE LANGUAGE
and he sees them
and they are a bunch of EVIL MIDGETS
i mean he assumes they are evil because they are midgets and he is prejudiced
but what do you know
HE’S TOTALLY RIGHT
the midget-in-chief runs up to him like HEY TEIG
GOOD THING WE FOUND YOU
and Teig is like w-w-what?
and the midget is like ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER
DO YOU SPEAK IT
and Teig is like w-w-w-what?
and the midget is like
PLEASE CONTINUE SAYING WHAT TO INDICATE THAT YOU WANNA HELP US GET RID OF A DEAD BODY
and Teig is like …NO!
and the midget is like TOO BAD
JUST GONNA USE MIDGET MAGIC ON YOU AND NOW THE DEAD BODY IS GRAFTED TO YOUR SPINE
and Teig is like SHIT SHIT SHIT AHHHHH
and the midgets are like no dude it’s fine
all you gotta do is bury this body before sunrise
in the center of a church
there’s a church right by here
we can get there in only about an hour of brutal midnight marathon running
and if that church happens to be closed
there’s another church
also two other churches
also another church
and at least one of those churches has got to be open

Now friends
I think we all know which church it is that’s gonna be open
THE LAST CHURCH
DURRRR
but Teig doesn’t know this
because it is hard to metagame with a corpse clinging to your body
(which is I think a handy tip for all you dungeon masters out there)
plus the churches are all pretty hilarious
so check it out:

Church number one is locked
and Teig is about to just say fuck it
when the dead body starts TALKING TO HIM
and he’s like WHOA SHIT YOU CAN TALK?
and the dead dude is like sometimes, yeah
look, grab the key on the windowsill
unlock the door
bury me in there
so Teig does that
up until the burying part
because when he tries to pry up the church floor and dig a grave
he starts uncovering all these DEAD BODIES
because WHAT DID HE THINK WAS GOING TO BE THERE
and all the dead people are like FUCK YOU
PUT THE DIRT BACK
ALL DEAD PEOPLE CAN TALK AND IT IS RACIST OF YOU TO THINK OTHERWISE

so Teig gets the fuck out of that church
and the dead body is like yo
let’s go to the next church
and he starts pointing the direction to the next church
like some giant zombie compass or something
and Teig is like dude, if you can talk and point and whatever
why can’t you just walk to a church and bury your damn self?
and the zombie is like BECAUSE PLOT POINTS, OK?

so they get to the second church
but this time the ghosts won’t even let him in the ROOM
there is like a whole football squad of disturbingly corporeal ghosts
just like NOPE NOPE BA-DOPE all up in his way
so they gotta go to the THIRD church

the third church is a piece of cake
no ghosts, no locked doors no nothiOH WAIT INVISIBLE MURDERGHOSTS
all Teig has to do is walk in the front door
before he gets the everloving SPLEEN beat out of him by a poltergeist
or whatever the irish version of a poltergeist is
Polter McGeist
no, that still doesn’t work
Polter Oshaugnessy
that’s more like it
anyway, now he has to go to the fourth chirch

Now the fourth church is a no bullshit kind of church
Teig gets within like twenty feet of it
and then it EXPLODES INTO LIGHTNING
and Teig is like uh whoa
who installed the security measures on these churches
it seems really counterproductive to design a bunch of graveyards
that EXPLODE WHEN YOU TRY TO BURY DUDES IN THEM
or else KILL YOU IN SOME OTHER WAY
because i feel like the last thing you want when you are trying to bury bodies
is MORE BODIES TO BUY
what a racket, geeze
and then he heads to the FIFTH church

And the fifth church is the last church
so by process of elimination
both the audience and Teig now know
that nothing could possibly go wrong in this church
and nothing goes wrong
NICE
and then the day is saved
or at least the condition of that weird talking corpse is saved
and this for some reason convinces Teig to change his whorefunneling ways
even though the more likely outcome of a near death experience
is a one way ticket on the boozetrain to prostitution island
and then you drown in the lake of bad decisions because TRAINS DON’T GO ON WATER
but no no no
Teig gets married to his shotgun bride
and all is well in the world

so the moral of the story
is that they call them undertakers FOR A REASON

the end.

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5 thoughts on “Teig O’Kane Disposes of a Body

  1. You neglect to mention the most important part of this Myth. That Teig O’Kane = Tadhg O’Cáthán
    With the same FUCKING pronunciation, FUCK.

  2. You are totally right about the metagaming. I ran this story as a DM before. Had the time of my life. The players? Not so much. They grew attached to their corpse and did not want to bury it at all. :D

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