The Bear Necessities

Hahaha holy shit
I totally forgot about this one
(see below for sad news about shirts, by the way)

Okay so there’s this nymph named Callisto
she’s hangin’ out, minding her own business
and for ZEUS: GOD OF LIGHTNING
hangin out minding your own business is the SEXIEST THING IN THE WORLD
so he’s got his dick out and everything
but he knows he’s gotta be super crafty
because Callisto has already been warned about the likes of him
by ARTEMIS HERSELF
the goddess of NO SEXY-TIMES FOREVER
so here’s what he does
are you ready for this?
okay
so Zeus turns into Artemis
and he goes down to Callisto like “Hey
remember all that stuff I said earlier about no sex?
Haha what a wacky miscommunication!
What i meant was every sex
all the time
starting NOW”
at which point Zeus leaps out of his ladysuit and
(in the words of one of the more watered-down versions I found)
“Makes Callisto his girlfriend.”
wow
that’s gotta be the creepiest euphemism for the nonconsensual crotch-gouge I’ve ever heard.

Anyway, Callisto gets pregnant
like ya do
and then she happens to run into her old pal Artemis
who’s like “hey girl what’s up where have you been?
not having any sex, I hope!
HAHAHAHAHA!”
and callisto is like “Uh yeah.”
and Artemis is like “Great!
Let’s celebrate by getting naked and rubbing soap all over each other
and then killing any men who happen to stumble upon our incredibly sexy bath routine
and Callisto is like “Uh”
and Artemis is like “NONSENSE. TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES”
but when Callisto takes off her clothes, it is pretty obvious she’s preggo
cause Zeus’s manbatter rises quickly, if you know what I mean
so Artemis is like “YOU SLAG
GET OUT”
Wow
way to support a woman who has just been raped, Artemis
you do a real bang-up job of sticking up for your girls.
Anyway then Callisto goes off on her own and has a baby named Arcus.

MEANWHILE
Artemis is up on Olympus gossiping with Hera
and she’s like “OH. MY. GOD, Hera
I had this one nymph in my posse, right
her name was Callisto
and what did she do?
she went and got herself RAPED
by your HUSBAND.
God, the nerve of some people”
and Hera is like “YES.
THE NERVE.”

Awesome
so now justice is about to be served for real
let’s cut on over to Zeus’s place to watch the shit hit the fan.
… Wait
nothing’s happening over here
Zeus is just hangin’ out listening to his favorite jams
where’s Hera?
Where could she possibly be?
Oh
there she is
over there, where Callisto is
REVENGIN’

she’s like “Oh hey there, slankblanket
so you like humping my husband, huh?
well how about I turn you INTO A BEAR
RAAAAAAR”
and at first Callisto is like SWEET, BEARS ARE AWESOME
but then she’s like RAAAAAR I’M A BEAR
and then even later she’s like RAAAAAR I’M A BEAR AND I’M SAD
because she misses her son
who didn’t turn into a bear
and got raised by his grandpa instead
but then it’s okay
because one day fifteen years later
Arcus is out hunting and he TOTALLY RUNS INTO HIS MOM
and his mom is like YAYYYY MY SON
and her son is like OH FUCK A BEAR
and he shoots an arrow at her
like ya do
and she’s about to get TOTALLY MURDERED
when Zeus hears the sounds of her screaming over his favorite jams
and he’s like OH SHIT
PROBLEMS
QUICK:
BULLET TIME
and then the arrow goes into SLOOWWWWW MOTION
and Zeus comes down and he’s like ok let’s see
I could just move this arrow so it doesn’t kill Callisto
but that’s LAAAAAME
FUCK IT
EVERYONE IS CONSTELLATIONS NOW
So Callisto becomes Ursa Major
and Arcus becomes that other bear constellation
even though he wasn’t a bear and that kinda sucks for him but oh well

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is that bears are people too
really gnarly radical people with sharp claws who will try to murder you
and then time stops and you turn into bears also.

THE END.

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4 thoughts on “The Bear Necessities

  1. Constellations solve everything, except when they don’t.

    (Also, if you’re truly out of ‘proper’ Greek/Roman myths, how about some Lucian? A True Story is some wacky shiznit.)

  2. I totally did a presentation on this one in my Mythology class last quarter!

    The sad part is, it was a group presentation, and the other guys in my group didn’t comprehend the myth AT ALL.

  3. @Dylan – Sounds like they were badly mythtaken, hoho OW OW NOOO ROCKS EVERYONE IS THROWING ROCKS STOP HITTING ME OW OW OW

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