The Emperor’s Terrible Fashion Sense

Oh man you guys are gonna love this one

So there’s this king, right?
oh I’m sorry
EMPEROR
does anyone know what the difference between a king and an emperor is?
is an emperor like
slightly more evil than a king?
or is an emperor just a king who has come into some extra syllables?
the point is that Emperor sounds sweeter
but king is easier to type
KING IT IS

so anyway
this king is a real fancypants
and not just pants
fancyjackets
fancyscarves
fancygoddamneverything
this king is dressed up fancier than a pimp at mardi gras is what I’m saying
and word gets around about the fanciness of this king’s pants
and so one day these two tailors show up at the court
they are not actually tailors though
they are actually just criminals
but apparently this king is too busy putting on diamond corsets to do background checks
so these criminals just waltz right in
and they’re like hey king
we are really great super legitimate tailors
like with the clothes-making and whatnot
and we are here to make you an offer so good
it is going to make all subsequent offers sound like someone shitting DIRECTLY IN YOUR EARHOLES
the offer is this:
we are going to make you a fabric SO FINE
that only cool people can see it
and the king is like DEAR GOD YES

wait okay time out
there seems to me to be a big flaw in this plan from the very beginning
leaving aside for a moment the obvious flaw that the FABRIC IS NOT REAL
and that is
you have to assume that the majority of any given population is not cool
unless you are talking about the population Rad Al’s Cool n’ Pool Billiards
where only cool people are allowed
but my point is
that if you buy clothes that are only visible to cool people
you are going to look like a crazy naked dude about NINETY PERCENT OF THE TIME
and it doesn’t matter how cool the other ten percent of people think you are
because for the average guy on the street
you are that dude who just pimp-strutted out of the 7-11 with his balls flapping in the breeze
I mean okay I guess you could pull it off with the right amount of swagger
but my friends
i do not think there is enough swagger on a whole dumptruck full of cowboys
to make a pasty fashion obsessed king look cool with his wibblies out

ANYWAY
so the king gives these rascals a big sack of gold
and a big sack of gold THREAD
which they really do succeed at turning invisible
through the time-tested magic of pawn-shops
and then after about a week of demanding more thread and whores and stuff
they finally waltz into the king’s throne room
carrying a big armful of nothing
like hey
here’s the fabric
pretty neat, huh?
and the king is like uh
um
YEAH
OH MAN IT’S SO GREAT
GOOD THING I’M SO COOL OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SEE ANYTHING AT ALL
and everyone else is like OH YES WHAT LOVELY FABRIC THAT IS
IT IS GOOD TO BE COOL OH YES IT CERTAINLY IS
and these two miscreants then proceed to fake tailor a suit for the king
and then they’re like alright dude
take off all those lame VISIBLE clothes
so we can help you put on these AMAZING NEW ONES
so the king is kind of nervous about this
but he’s also kind of a dumbass
and he’s super committed to this lie by this point
so he takes off his clothes
and they put the suit on him
and he does not find it odd that not only can he not see the clothes
but he can’t FEEL the clothes either
because they are NOT REAL CLOTHES
they are LIES
told by CRIMINALS
which is actually how I feel about a lot of clothes
especially certain kinds of bras
and also those underwears that make your junk look huge
but anyway the king is like okay great I wore the clothes
now I can go back to my regularly scheduled other clothes, right?
and everyone is like WRONG
see, you got all your subjects really hyped up about these new clothes
and now they totally wanna see them
and simultaneously find out who’s not cool enough to see them
SO IT LOOKS LIKE WE’RE HAVING A PARADE
and the king is like oh
…good

so the whole kingdom gathers around
to watch the king wave his dick at traffic
and everyone in the crowd is like OH WOW
WHAT NICE CLOTHES THE EMPEROR HAS ON
IT’S SURE GREAT NOT BEING AN UNCOOL JACKASS
OH YES CERTAINLY
and the king is like WHY ARE ALL MY SUBJECTS COOLER THAN ME
and then this little kid pops up
which
let me just say
is a TRAVESTY
like kids are generally not very cool by default
unless they wear sunglasses and smoke cigarettes
so why would you bring your kids to go see a naked old dude ride down the street in a chariot
oh yeah
probably because it’s HILARIOUS
but anyway this one kid runs right up to the emperor and he’s like YO DUDE
YOU’RE FUCKING NAKED DUDE
and the king is like WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO TALK LIKE THAT
but it’s too late for censorship
the naked cat is out of the bag
and it is in heat
and that metaphor got real gross real fast
but yeah everyone starts laughing at the king
and the fake tailors are long gone
and the king has the kid executed for embarrassing him
but it could be worse
he could’ve had a boner

so the moral of the story
is always dress in layers

THE END.

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7 thoughts on “The Emperor’s Terrible Fashion Sense

  1. It makes one wonder, did they give him inviso-underoos to go with that super fine outfit? Or is he just a commando kind of king?

  2. “and the king is like WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO TALK LIKE THAT
    but it’s too late for censorship
    the naked cat is out of the bag
    and it is in heat
    and that metaphor got real gross real fast” < best metaphor ever -(xx)-

    also, you should tell "The Jew in Brambles". more proof that people are dicks and always have been than YOU WILL EVER NEED IN YOUR LIFE. also the brothers Grimm were totally racially insensitive jerks

  3. that if you buy clothes that are only visible to cool people
    you are going to look like a crazy naked dude about NINETY PERCENT OF THE TIME

    HEY.

    SPOILER ALERT.

    JESUS.

  4. The difference between a king and an emperor is that kingship is hereditary whereas emperor-ship (?) is an elected position.

    Charlemagne was both, fun facts.

    • I thought am Emperor had a) a sacral component as opposed to an all mundane king and b) was supposed to have sovereignty over kings.

      There were elected kings, e.g. the Franconian / Frankish kings of the middle ages.

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