The Green Snake Eats Inedible Garbage

re: shirts
they are almost done
the dude forgot to buy like half of them though
so that’s happening tomorrow
and then everything should go in the mail by friday
HOPEFULLY
SORRY ABOUT THE DELAY GUYS I AM TRYING VERY HARD
AND I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT TRYING HARD IS WHAT MATTERS
ALSO I’M GOING TO BE ANNOUNCING SOMETHING REALLY COOL VERY SOON
BUT NOT TODAY MY FRIENDS
NOT TODAY

anyway here’s a story I had no idea existed until someone mentioned it
in the comments on another weird story i had no idea existed until someone emailed me
so yeah
here we go

so will-o-the-wisps right?
first of all
WOW
that name pretty much used up my hyphen budget for this entire myth
not sure what i’m gonna do when i have to mention them again
but second of all do you guys know what these things are?
they are basically just fire
if fire was an asshole
which it pretty much is
but not like this
see when our story begins
two of these fuckers are getting a ride in the middle of the night from some boat guy
and they get to the other side and he is like dudes
could you hook me up with some payment?
dunno why he didn’t ask for payment BEFORE taking them across the river
might have saved him some trouble
except WHOA WHAT’S THIS?
these wisp dudes just have a couple mini seizures and BAM
gold comes out of their bodies
pretty sweet right?

WRONG
because the ferry dude FREAKS THE FUCK OUT about this
he’s like YOU IDIOTS
THE RIVER IS MAGIC
IF GOLD GETS IN IT IT EXPLODES
PAY ME IN FRESH VEGETABLES PLEASE
and the wisps are like dude
if you’re not going to accept this FUCKING GOLD that we shat out
you are not getting ANYTHING AT ALL
and they start to leave
but whoa what’s this
looks like they CAN’T MOVE
wanna know why?
because the boat dude is magic
that’s why
actually lemme save you guys some trouble real quick
EVERYONE IN THIS STORY IS MAGIC
EVERYONE
you can’t take a shit in this place without it gaining the power of speech

anyway the wisps are like fine dude we’ll get you some fucking veggies
and the ferryman is like ok
it’s gotta be 3 onions
three cabbages
and three artichokes
don’t ask why
just do it
and then he boats away to try and get rid of all this fucking gold he has

so he finds some rocks
and he dumps his gold into a crack the rocks
and then he’s like well that was easy
and goes home
BUT LITTLE DOES HE KNOW
THERE IS A SNAKE LIVING IN THOSE ROCKS
a GREEN SNAKE
and so all the gold hits the snake on her head
(yeah this is a girlsnake
just to head off any confusion at the gecko
i mean getgo
haha get it those words kind of sound the same)
and so the snake wakes up and she is like hm what is this that hit me on the head
only one way to find out
I BETTER EAT IT
so she does
and WHABAM
suddenly she is glowing?
well shit
if she wasn’t magical before SHE SURE IS NOW
but i mean she was magical before
remember
EVERYONE is magical
this is a snake that can turn into a fucking bridge ok?
but we’ll get to that later

what’s important right now is that the snake goes out hunting for more gold
because apparently gold is SOOOO TASTY
and what she ends up finding are those two wisp dudes
just chillin out in the night
being fire and everything
and she’s like dudes
did you see any gold go by here?
and they’re all like WHABAM
GOLD ALL OVER THE PLACE
and the snake is like mm thanks
and the wisps are like hey bro
do you know where we can find this chick lily?
and the snake is like oh yeah
other side of the river dudes
and they’re like SERIOUSLY?
BALLS
WE JUST CROSSED THE RIVER
AND WE CAN’T TAKE THE BOAT BACK CUZ THE BOATGUY HATES US
and the snake is like chill out
i’m a bridge remember?
and the wisps are like actually we never knew that but that is useful info yes
and the snake is like also there is a giant
he has a shadow that can carry you across at like dawn or whatever
when his shadow is super long
also i probably don’t need to tell you this
but that giant?
SUPER MAGICAL
and the wisps are like ok cool thanks
looks like we can’t really do anything til tomorrow
better go play pranks on the elderly!
so they go off to be dicks somewhere else
and the snake decides that now that she is made out of light
she should totally go explore her dark-as-fuck lair
so she does

HOLY SHIT THERE’S A LOT OF STUFF IN THIS SNAKE’S LAIR
there’s basically this bigass temple
where there are all these dudes made of precious metals
there is a gold dude
and a silver dude
and a bronze dude
so it’s like the olympics
but with dudes
oh yeah except there’s also a fourth dude
who is made out of the other three dudes
not like voltron
but like
he is made out of a combination of gold silver and bronze
all winding around inside his body
so i guess like if someone melted the olympics in a bucket

but anyway the snake is hanging out there
and some old dude comes in with a lamp
and the kings are like fuck you old dude we don’t need your light
we already got a glowing snake
and the old dude is like you know my lamp only lamps when there are other lamps
and the kings are like oh yeah
why was that again?
and the old dude is like BECAUSE I AM MAGIC
and the kings are like right
how could we have forgotten
and then they ask him a bunch of stupid questions that I ignored
and then he leaves and now HE is the main character of this story

so apparently the old dude’s useless lamp is not as useless as it seems
because whereas when there is other light it is a light
when there is no light it just straight up turns everything in spitting distance
into PRECIOUS METALS
guys this story is confusing as fuck to read
but it would make such a rad animation
i know one of you has to be an animator or something
this could be your career right here
I’m serious I would love to see someone animate this story
I’d buy the shit out of it
here is the version I read
go nuts
but anyway he goes through some underground passages
turning everything around him into a glittering panorama
appropriate for a stereotypical gold rush miner’s fetish magazine
and then finally he gets home
and PLOT TWIST
it turns out his elderly wife is the elderly person the wisps decided to prank!
THAT’S RIGHT
THE EVENTS IN THIS STORY ACTUALLY DO HAVE SOME RELATION TO ONE ANOTHER
KIND OF
but yeah the old dude gets home
and his wife
whose magic power is being a WHINY TWAT
is like HUSSSBAAAAANNDDDDDD
THESE WISPS SHOWED UP AND COMPLIMENTED ME A BUNCH
AND THEN ATE ALL THE GOLD ENCRUSTING THE WALLS
AND THEN SHAT OUT A BUNCH OF GOLD COINS ON MY DOG MOPS
AND MOPS ATE A COIN AND NOW HE’S DEAD
ALSO I MAY HAVE PROMISED TO PAY THE FERRYMAN WHAT THEY OWE HIM
NOT SURE WHY I DID THAT
I GUESS I GOT DISTRACTED WHILE THEY WERE EATING MY WALLS AND KILLING MY DOG
and the old dude is like bitch calm down
I got a lamp and I am not afraid to use it
and BAM
out comes megalamp: ultra edition
and all the walls turn to gold
and their dead dog Mops turns into onyx
(the first time i read this I thought mops was just some mops
and i was perplexed by the huge deal everyone was making about them
but really that is their fault for naming their dog mops
what’s next
a cat named brooms?
a parakeet named dishwashers?)
and then the old man is like ok so i’ve got to handle all these problems now
here’s what you do
first of all go get your magic basket
because it’s not appropriate to walk around out there without being magical as fuck
then put our onyx dog in it
along with some cabbages onions and artichokes for the ferryman
and bring the dog to Lily who lives across the river and Lily will reanimate him
Lily will do this using SCIENCE
oh wait sorry i misspoke
I mean MAGIC
what the fuck is science why did I even say that?

so now it’s the next day and the old woman walks over to the river
carrying her magic basket
in which everything becomes incredibly light
EXCEPT VEGETABLES WHICH BECOME RIDICULOUSLY HEAVY
seems like the worst basket to carry vegetables in but hey
if a magic basket is all you’ve got
you use the fuck out of that magic basket
but on the way she sees that giant
remember?
the magic giant with the magic shadow?
well the magic shadow is like HAHA RUINING YOUR DAY
and grabs a bunch of vegetables out of her basket
and eats them
and the woman is like fuuuuuuuck
I don’t have enough vegetables to give the dude now
but this basket is so heavy i don’t want to carry it back to my house
might as well just give the ferryman whatever I’ve got
so she goes over to the river
and the ferryman is there like sup
and the old woman is like vegetables
and the man is like NOT ENOUGH VEGETABLES
and the woman is like well can we have this debt be on layaway
like can I give you these ones and go back and get some more
cause this shit is HEAVY
and the ferryman is like fine
but you gotta make a pact with the river
and the old woman is like what’s the consequences
and the dude is like nothing
IF YOU KEEP YOUR WORD
and the woman is like oh yeah whatever that’s easy
so she goes to shake hands with the river
and WHABAM
her hand comes out all black and shriveled
and she’s like AAAA
I’M SECRETLY RACIST THIS IS THE WORST THING YOU COULD HAVE DONE TO ME
and the dude is like chill out
it’ll get WAYYYY worse if you don’t give me those three vegetables
see it’ll get smaller and smaller
until it finally disappears
but you’ll still have the hand
like
you’ll be able to pick up things and whatever
you’ll just have an INVISIBLE HAND
so the woman
instead of being like SWEET
I CAN USE THIS TO SCARE TODDLERS
is like OH NO OH FUCK WHAT WHAT OH NO
and she goes and runs off and then I guess kind of forgets about it?
because she sees some hot dude in a shiny breastplate fresh off the ferry
and she runs over like hey boy
what’s your story
and the dude is totally sullen and not answering questions and whatever
but then he sees the stone dog in her magic floating basket
and he’s like WHAT’S THAT
and she’s like i’ll show you mine if you tell me yours
your story that is
but actually the guy just whines a whole bunch about how he misses this lily chick
you know
the chick everyone is trying to go see
i guess he’s in love with her or something
and maybe he used to be a king?
it’s never really made clear
but seeing as everybody is either kings or magic or both
pretty safe to assume he’s a king
actually i should tell you
right now this dude isn’t magic at all
but it’s cool because he will be later

ANYWAY
they realize that they’re both going to see Lily
even though this dude JUST came from there
so they start walking together
and GUESS WHAT
who do they run into but those FUCKING WISP DUDES
they’re invisible right now because it is daytime
but that does not stop them from causing a ruckus
so now THEY’RE going along with the chick and the dude too
and they get to this SWEETASS BRIDGE
they are like why did we not notice this bridge before
it is so sweet
you know why they didn’t notice it before?
because it is a magic bridge made out of the green snake
who is all hopped up on gold so she looks super pretty today
but they don’t realize that while they are stomping all over her spine
and it’s only once they’re on the other side that she stops being a bridge
and slithers on over and is like hey guys
i was that bridge
just in case you thought I was a snake who was not magic
nope
totally magic
got bridge powers
just letting you know
so are we gonna go see this lily chick or what?

so they all go to lily’s garden or whatever this place is
and Lily is this super hot chick
who gets hotter when she is sad
and is sad ALL THE TIME
because her magic power is the raddest of all
too rad for one woman to handle:
she can touch people and then they die
also she can touch rocks and they come to life
which is why the woman brought her stone dog there
but for the moment she has totally forgotten about that
and is like HEY LILY DO YOU HAVE ANY VEGETABLES I CAN BORROW
I KINDA OWE A GUY A LOT OF VEGETABLES
and Lily is like shit
good luck
all i got is bigass trees
oh and this dead bird
it was my only friend but it tried to motorboat me and my tits killed it
now i play this harp and cry all the time
and the woman is like TOUCH MY DOG
and Lily is like only if I get to keep it
and the woman is like sure whatever
so BOOM
now there’s this butt-ugly pug and Lily is playing with it having a ball
and she’s like old woman
go take this little bird to your husband and make him use his lamp on it
then i can bring it back to life and have TWO FRIENDS
meanwhile the emo king stumbles in like LILY WHY WON’T YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME
WAAAAAA
and he bullrushes her and she sticks out her hand like NO
and kills him
and he falls over and she’s like fuuuuuck
i sure wish I’d been nicer to him NOW
and the snake is like HOLY SHIT LEMME MAKE A MAGIC SNAKECIRCLE AROUND THIS DUDE
IT WILL KEEP HIM FROM DISINTEGRATING WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN
THAT’S A THING THAT HAPPENS
HOLY FUCK SOMEONE GET THE DUDE WITH THE LAMP
HE’LL KNOW WHAT TO DO
and the old woman is like ok guys
we were talking about my hand a second ago
what happened to that
what’s this bullshit
where are my vegetables
and the snake is like BITCH ENOUGH ABOUT YOU
GO GET THE WILL-O-THE-WISPS
aw fuck i went over my hyphen allotment
now i gotta go into debt with a wealthy hyphen-shark
FUCK I DID IT AGAIN
anyway the woman goes to get the wisps
and then what the fuck
BAM
here comes the lamp dude
how did he even get here?
who knows
all anyone knows is that his lamp apparently sparkles when people are in danger
like a bat signal of deus ex machina
and then birds always show up and take him where he needs to be
so now here he is
and he’s like ALRIGHT
GUYS
I GOT THIS
MY LAMP IS BASICALLY CONSTANTLY SHOOTING OUT GENIES AT EVERY AVAILABLE SURFACE
I’M SURE THERE’S SOMETHING I CAN DO
and then the wisps show up like how can we help
and the dude is like SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HELP ME STUFF THIS GUY IN THIS BASKET
so they take the old woman’s basket and stretch it out and stuff the dude in there
and then they drag everything to the river and the snake conjures a bridge
the bridge isn’t even the snake apparently it’s just a bridge
because the snake has to stay coiled around the basket
what the fuck
but yeah then pretty soon they’re on the other side
and the snake has to sacrifice herself for some reason
she’s all like i’ll sacrifice myself
but you guys gotta gather up all the rocks from the riverbank
and the old man is like seriously?
all the rocks?
why?
and the snake is like i dunno man
i was about to die and I kinda couldn’t think of anything
I choked ok
just get the fucking rocks
and then BAM they’re underground and in that chamber with all those kings
and they’re all super restless
oh yeah there’s some kind of prophecy about all this shit anyway
although I figure in a place with all this magic going on everywhere
prophecies are not that unusual
WEATHER FORECAST TODAY:
PARTLY CLOUDY
CHANCE OF GLOWING SNAKEBRIDGES
METAL KINGS WILL RISE FROM THE EARTH OR WHATEVER

but yeah they’re down there
saying stupid shit to the lantern dude again
and he’s all like THE TIME IS AT HAND
and oh yeah
the composite king is a total asshole
he thinks he’s going to rule over everything
BUT GUESS WHAT COCKMEAT
TURNS OUT DIVERSITY IS NOT APPRECIATED IN GERMAN MYTHS
YOUR ASS GOT EATEN BY WISP DUDES
or at least the gold parts of your ass
whatever the point is he collapses in on himself as he tries to stand up
and it’s pretty gross actually
oh yeah also the old man tells lily to touch the prince
which brings him back to life but he doesn’t have a soul
and that makes her real happy and she hugs the old man
which i thought would kill him
that would have been pretty funny
but nope he’s fine
he’s just TOO FUCKING MAGICAL FOR THIS SHIT
but yeah then the temple rises up out of the earth
and the old dude’s cottage gets trapped inside it I think
and then because of his lamp it turns into sweet silver radness
and they break out somehow
and the whole time the old woman is like WAAAA WHAT ABOUT MY HAND
and at this point the lamp dude is just like BITCH
JUST GO JUMP IN THE RIVER
ALL IS FORGIVEN FOR SOME REASON
I GUESS BECAUSE THE AUTHOR IS TIRED OF YOUR WHINING
and then the and then he turns to the soulless king and is like alright prince emo
time to get a soul or something
because the three most important things in life
are Strength, Wisdom, and Charisma
which are represented by these three kings
fuck Dex and Int
go over to those kings and they will give you presents for some reason
so the prince goes over there
and the gold king gives him a sword
and the sliver king gives him a sceptre
and the bronze king gives him a wreath
if I was an immortal metal king about to rise up and rule the world
i would not give these things away
but that is just me I guess
meanwhile
the dead snake becomes a first class suspension bridge all the way across the river
and then the giant wakes up and starts freaking the fuck out
knocking huge crowds of dudes off the bridge with his shadow
and the new king prince dude is about to try and kill the giant
but the old lampman
who apparently knows about ALL THIS SHIT
is just like dude
chill out
and then all the people who were busy crossing the bridge suddenly see this sweetass temple
and they go over to check it out
and they almost trample each other
except then the wisps start shitting gold on everyone and it distracts them
and everyone lives happily ever after
until the lampman’s bat signal goes off again and he has to do more crazy shit

so the moral of the story
is don’t take ferries
they are way overpriced
and you can probably find a snakebridge or a giant shadow for free anyway

THE END

RedditStumbleUponShare

13 thoughts on “The Green Snake Eats Inedible Garbage

  1. … What the hell? That was… wow. I didn't even know the Germans had such a crazy myth. Well done.

    Also, what about Con? Is that also useless? Silly Germans.

  2. "turning everything around him into a glittering panorama
    appropriate for a stereotypical gold rush miner's fetish magazine"

    WHY WAS THIS NOT A DWARF JOKE

  3. What the fuck is even happening in this story? This reads like something Carlos Castanedas would write about a bad trip, but far less lucid.

  4. that was very confusing but also a lot of fun.
    on a side note, that couple wasn’t very creative naming their dog, because mops actually means pug in german. i guess a real name would have been too complicated to remember…?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>