The Most Important Thing About Ehud is That He is Left-Handed

Hey guys
first off I have a pretty cool announcement
which is that I am going to be performing at this really cool show/party
and Ryan North and David Malki are gonna be there (right?)
and it’s free too so if you live in LA you should definitely show up
SECOND OFF
i am going to do something hitherto unprecedented on this blog
I am going to write this entry WITHOUT USING A SINGLE CUSS WORD
this is going to be difficult
i’m not sure why I’m doing it but here goes:

okay so god is really cheezed off at the jews for some reason
god always seems to be getting cheezed off at the jews for one thing or another
maybe they forgot to worship the right statue things
or maybe they left the toilet seat up or there were dirty dishes in the sink
but whatever it is
god decides that the only way to solve this is by subjecting his chosen people
to FIFTEEN YEARS OF DICTATORIAL HORRORNONSENSE
so he shoots this dude Eglon with a beam of PURE HOLY MAGIC
which gives him a new superpower
which is subjugating the jews
a lot of people throughout history seem to have had this superpower
but yeah so Eglon gets some help from these dudes the Ammonites and the Ammaleks
except i highly doubt that because i’m pretty sure Ammonite is a pokemon
and pokemon have no place in serious wars
because all they ever do is knock each other out
which is insufficient for war
unfortunately there are no murder type pokemon
OKAY I’M GETTING A LITTLE SIDETRACKED HERE LET’S GET BACK TO THE STORY

so Eglon is king for like fifteen years
and everything sucks for the israelites
but then i guess god decides he needs to fix this problem he caused
because otherwise how is he going to punish the jews for the NEXT major boo-boo
so he makes this dude Ehud show up
he’s from these dudes called the Benjamites
which are either a race of dudes who are all named benjamin
which is proven empirically false because Ehud’s name is not Benjamin
OR
they are some dudes who are all about the dolla dolla bills
which is also wrong because they did not have dolla dolla bills in bible times
so i really have no clue who the benjamites are
also for some reason the bible sees fit to mention that Ehud is left-handed
first of all
wouldn’t being left-handed be the norm in Israel
since they write backwards or whatever
and second of all
WHO CARES
but so apparently this left-handed dude is the man with the plan to defeat Eglon
so he makes a wicked two-edged knife
and he duct tapes it to his right leg
and then he goes to Eglon’s place
and he’s like psst
bro
i’ve got a secret to tell you
and Eglon is like A SECRET
THIS SOUNDS INCREDIBLY LEGIT/IMPORTANT
GUARDS
LEAVE THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY SO THIS STRANGER CAN TELL ME SECRETS
so all the guards leave the room
at which point Eglon is like ok ok what’s the secret
and Ehud is like I HAVE A MESSAGE
A MESSAGE
FROM GOD
and then he busts out his wicked knife and stabs him in the tummy
which just goes to show that action movie sensibilities
predate action movies

BUT ALL IS NOT WELL
because Eglon is SO FAT
that his fat gobbles up the Ehud’s ENTIRE KNIFE
and then his stomach just starts spraying poop EVERYWHERE
I mean Eglon is still dead and everything but this is totally gross anyway
and Ehud is like well i guess that’s my cue to leave
and just jumps out the window and escapes to some rock quarries

MEANWHILE
Eglon’s servants are all standing outside the chamber
which is locked
and they’re like we’d better not bother him
he’s probably covering his feet
I have no idea what that’s code for
covering his feet
with ejaculate?
with whores?
with poop?
well that last one is actually accurate
but whatever it means
it ends up making these servant dudes feel SUPER ASHAMED
to the point where they finally unlock the door and find their boss
dead and covered in poop
which i think really must have ruined their image of him

but so meanwhile Ehud goes to the Israelites
and he’s like dudes
I just killed Eglon
let’s press our advantage by proceeding to murder as many of his dudes as possible
so that’s what they do
they kill like ten thousand dudes
in a merciless slaughterstorm
you would think god would be more sympathetic
towards the dudes he was using to punish his chosen people
seeing as it’s not their fault and all
but no
that is not God’s MO
and then eighty years pass
and some other dude shows up and kills 600 dudes with a pointed stick
but that’s a whole other story

so the moral of this story
is if a left-handed dude offers to tell you a secret
it is probably not a very good secret
probably it is actually just knives in your stomach

THE END

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15 thoughts on “The Most Important Thing About Ehud is That He is Left-Handed

  1. The Benjaminites (oh God, what a name) were descended from Benjamin, the youngest of Jacob's twelve sons, who each founded the twelve tribes of Israel.

    The others are (not joking here) Reubenites, Simeonites, Levites (oh, that one works), Judites (I presume this is right for Judah), Danites (…), Naphtalites, Gadites, Asherites, Issacharites, Zebulunites, Josephites (who seem to be split into Manassites and Ephraimites, which means thirteen tribes…), and the afore-mentioned Benjaminites.

    No idea what that left-handedness thing is from, though it was considered that lefties were possessed by the Devil and/or generically evil, so that's an interesting tidbit.

  2. That "possessed by the Devil" thing is during the Middle Ages, when people were generally more stupid.

    And the sons of Zebulun might have been called the Zebulons. Or the Zebedees or something.

  3. Thanks to you, I've just wasted about a half hour googling "covering his feet," and am still no wiser as to whether it means with ejaculate, urine, or feces. It definitely seems to be one of the three, though.

    The things I learn from this blog… (c:

  4. That verse about the gunk coming out of Eglon's belly freaked me out when I first read it as a teenager. I grew up in a fundamentalist area where people were constantly putting chapter and verse numbers (e.g. "John 3:16") in their e-mail signatures and so forth, and for a while I used to respond by citing that one. Later on I discovered that not all translations include the reference to poop. I think that detail came to us via the Septuagint and isn't in the standard Hebrew version (or maybe it's the other way round, I can't remember).

  5. Whycome there is no swearing? That's part of your trademark. It's disconcerting, like a dick in your ear first thing in the morning.

  6. The "New Oxford Annotated Bible with Apocrypha: New Revised Standard Edition" (I got it for a class, okay?) says that "feet" was often used as an euphemism for "genitals."

    I'm pretty sure this was old-testament-only though, otherwise I'm super disturbed by the idea of Mary Magdalene "washing" Jesus's "feet" with 12 other dudes sitting there watching and, like yelling at her. And she did it with her hair? Is this some kind of weird old fetish?

  7. I think the point about his being left-handed is that he could naturally wear/draw a knife from his right side, where the guards might not look for it — because I guess nobody who wanted to assassinate the king would put a knife somewhere the guards wouldn't look for it? But it's like SO INSANE that he would be left-handed that their puny Ammalek minds can't comprehend it. Anyway, that's my theory.

    Cool story, bro.

  8. As a religion student, I can actually clear up both of those issues you have:
    1) covering his feet is a euphemism that they thought he was taking a crap and they didn't want to disturb him and
    2) it says that he was left-handed b/c it was very uncommon and when approaching the king, only the left side of the body was searched for weapons. Because he was left-handed, he was able to bring a dagger into the throneroom.

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