The Turnip Princess is another one of those goddamn fairytales

GUYS GUYS GUESS WHAT:

THEY FOUND SOME NEW FAIRYTALES

LOCKED IN SOME DUDE’S LIBRARY IN GERMANY.
AWWWWW YEAH.
Yeah apparently some dude exhaustively chronicled a whole mess of tales
but it turns out he did it in a really boring way
so everybody made a point of forgetting about his dumb book in a library
I am not going to make his mistake
I am going to tell you this story
WITH SWEARS:

So there’s this prince right?
Yeah, this story doesn’t fuck around
PRINCES: LINE ONE.
WHAT’S NEXT?
BEARS?
yes, actually.
bears.
because what happens is this prince gets lost and he stumbles into a cave
(something you should NEVER DO in fairytales)
and when he wakes up
BAM
BEARS
or actually,
just one bear
and one ugly witch
but wait
this witch is ugly
like witches be
but then in the next line it turns out she’s
actually beautiful?
what?
is this like one of those magic eye illusions
where if you stare at her tits long enough and cross your eyes she turns into jessica rabbit?
well, whatever the reason
it freaks out the prince, and he can’t stand her
but she wants to marry him, obv
because princes are choice bootay in this day and age
and he is having none of it
but she is a witch so of course he can’t leave
until one day the bear comes up to him and starts talking
WHAT
TALKING BEARS
oh yes of course.
this is not unusual
Germany used to be a really fucked up place
forget raptors, man
what if BEARS could THINK??
anyway, the bear is like “Dude,
all you gotta do
is just take that rusty nail out of the wall over there
and go out to the turnip field out there and put it under a turnip
and somehow this will net you a hot wife
and FREE ME OF WHATEVER CURSE I AM MANDATORIALLY REQUIRED TO HAVE AS A MEMBER OF THIS TALE”

so the prince has nothing to lose
he yanks that nail out the wall so hard it pretty much causes an EARTHQUAKE
this was some structural support nail or some shit
but then he just goes ahead and fucks everything up
because when he gets out to the field a monster shows up
and he’s like “AAH, A MONSTER” and he stabs himself with the nail
and somehow manages to not get tetanus
but somehow DOES manage to bleed so hard he PASSES OUT
HEMOPHELIA: ONCE AGAIN, IT IS THE ULTIMATE COCKBLOCK

so the prince wakes up with a sweet beard and no idea where he is
so he starts wandering around
which if I am remembering correctly
is exactly how he got into this city of problems to begin with
and pretty soon he runs up on a thorn bush
and being that this is ancient times and they don’t know what hemophelia is
he just grabs right onto that thorn bush and yanks off a branch
and it turns out okay, i guess, because he doesn’t start bleeding again
but then he’s got this thorn branch
and he doesn’t know what to do with it
because seriously
what is there to do with a fucking thorn branch
plus he’s sleepy and he doesn’t wanna accidentally start bleeding in his sleep
so he does the sensible thing
and just stabs it into the nearest turnip
and goes to sleep

so then in the morning he wakes up
and the thorn branch has turned into that rusty nail he impaled himself on earlier
and not only that
but instead of being stabbed into the turnip
the turnip has turned into a crazy kind of shell
with the nail inside
and all kinds of half-formed ladyfeatures on the outside.
That’s right
we are now dealing with
POD PEOPLE
OLDE GERMANY
HOW DID YOU GET POD PEOPLE

but the prince doesn’t see it that way
probably because he hasn’t seen invasion of the bodysnatchers
so he just blithely picks the nail out of the ladyshell
and brings it back to that cave he was in before
which he now magically knows how to get back to
and then he sticks the nail in the wall
LIKE A DUMBASS
and BOOM
here come the old witch and the bear
and the prince is like OLD LADY
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THAT HOT CHICK
SHE KID OF LOOKS LIKE A TURNIP
and the old lady is like haha you got me
I think that was actually me or something?
and the prince is like
FOOL ME ONCE:
SHAME ON BEARS
FOOL ME TWICE:
I WILL PROBABLY GET WRECKED BY BEARS
so he just pulls the nail HALFWAY out of the wall
and he sees the bear turn into a crazy half-man half-bear
and the old witch turn into a crazy half-hot-chick half-witch
which begs the question:
which half?
and then I guess the prince is satisfied that he is not being tricked?
so he pulls the nail all the way out and the old witch turns into a hot chick
and then she and the prince get married
because at the end of the day nothing but tits really matter at all.

So the moral of the story
is that stabbing people with rusty nails
is the key to a healthy relationship

THE END.

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