The Two Boys Who Were Olympic-Class Swimmers/Murderers

It’s warming up here in chicago
but still I am nostalgic for the winter
that special time of year
when all the unimportant things
like joy and hope
vanish from the mind
and you are left free to focus on the important decisions
like whether or not to eat your roommate’s cat
it is in the service of this deeply ironic nostalgia
that I have elected to tell you yet another Angmagsalik myth
this time with less poop

so there’s this negligent father right
he has two sons
i don’t know how old they are
so let’s say they’re seven
it makes this all funnier
anyway this father takes his sons out to the ice-lake one day
and he’s like hey guys
let’s see if you can go down under water

one:
yes, they can
it’s called drowning and people do it every day
two:
these are your children, dude
why would you encourage this

so anyway these two boys jump in the water
and HEY
BIG SURPRISE:
they don’t come back up
so the dad hangs out for a while
and then he’s like oops
more dead kids I guess
guess i’m gonna have to go home and fuck my wife again
and off he goes

but HEY
BIG SURPRISE:
when he gets home his sons are sitting in the living room
chilling out
i mean literally chilling out
because they have just been submerged in ice water for like 5 hours
and the dad is like HOLY COW
DO THAT AGAIN
OH MAN WAIT TIL I TELL ALL THE OTHER DADS ABOUT THIS

so they do it some more times
and meanwhile the dad keeps flagging down kayakers like HEY
HEY
GUESS WHAT MY SONS CAN DO
and all the kayakers are just like whatever dude
but then the next morning the boys look out their window
and there are ALL THE KAYAKERS
because some time during the night
all of these dudes went from not giving a fuck
to believing that these two children MUST BE DESTROYED

so the kayakers are like “we hear you can hold your breath real long
prove it”
and the boys are like ok
and they dive down
and all the kayakers grab rocks to beat them with when they come up
if it was me i would have just shot them straight away
but i guess nothing these guys have done so far has been reasonable
and they don’t want to break their streak

but so obviously the boys don’t come back up
that’s their thing
and everyone gets tired and goes home
and by home
i mean the boys’ home
where they find the boys
because duh
but before everyone can kill them
someone runs up like GUYS GUYS
HOLY SHIT
THERE’S A WALRUS
and everyone is like WALRUS?!
LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOO

so they run back to the water
and the walrus is like oh shit time to peace out
and someone throws a harpoon in its ass
but it is giving no fucks
and then suddenly here come those two boys
they jump the walrus out in the water
drag it down to the bottom
butcher it with knives
take some meat
and then put the rest under the rock
just so no one else can have it
seriously
everyone is just being a dick to everyone else for no reason
it’s like in this village that is just the rule
like
if someone has a nice thing
you try and fuck that up for them
i guess this is what endless winter does to people

so obviously when the kayakers find out about this
they are even more determined to kill these boys
so they see the boys out in the water eating their seal meat
and they start paddling at them with their rocks
and the boys are like oh shit
better dive again
and they keep diving and going out deeper and deeper
until it gets REAL COLD
like i mean it was cold before
it was, say, ice-cube-tray-full-of-polar-bears cold
but now it is like
you go to tastee freeze and you order a large vanilla soft serve
and old man winter comes out of the back room
carrying the largest and most preposterously perfect vanilla soft-serve cone you have ever laid eyes on in your pathetic life
and then proceeds
to eat it in front of you
that’s COLD

so they have to start getting crafty
what they do is they pop out of the water right behind some of the pursuing kayakers
and they tip over their boats
and the dudes drown
they do this to EVERY SINGLE KAYAKER
so everybody is dead
and they never have to worry about getting murdered again
they just have to worry about who the fuck is gonna catch all the food
you know after having read this story
i think it might actually be the prequel of this one

anyway the moral of the story
is that you can’t just run away from your problems forever
sometimes you have to drown them in the freezing ocean

the end.

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2 thoughts on “The Two Boys Who Were Olympic-Class Swimmers/Murderers

  1. Just another shining example of how weird our ancestors were. I mean, what is even the point of this story? “If you ever meet two kids who can hold their breath a long time, don’t try to kill them because they will hide walrus meat from you and drown you from behind. Just be nice to them.”

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