There Are Not a Lot of Things Freya Won’t Do For Jewelry

Okay so apparently the overwhelming consensus is Freyja
I did not know how many fans I had who A:
Like freyja
and B:
use either a single letter or a single number for their WHOLE FUCKING NAME
HOWS THAT WORKING OUT FOR YOU A
ARE YOU ALWAYS FIRST ON ALPHABETICAL LISTS
OF ALL THE JERKS IN THE WORLD

but see apparently it is difficult to find a myth about Freyja
in which her main role
isn’t just as something people give each other
this is because THE NORSE APPEAR TO TREAT WOMEN AS CURRENCY
but don’t worry guys I found one
(plus a sweet one about horsefucking that I’ll tell some other day)

So Freyja right
she wakes up one morning
and she is like HOLY SHIT GOLD
I JUST HAD A WET DREAM ABOUT SOME
AND NOW I WANT SOME
but hm where should I get gold
oh wait
I live in a world with dwarves
WHAT A STUPID QUESTION

so she walks across town to drawftowne
and while she is walking loki sees her and he is like fuuuuuuuck
that chick looks like she is about to get some TREASURE
I want to RUIN THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR HER
because I am Loki and that is basically all I do
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN

so Loki follows Freyja all the way to goldfuckopolis
hometown of the dwarves
or at least four dwarves
Alfrigg, Dvalinn, Berling and Grerr
four shitty names for four shitty people
and sitting on their bukakke pedestal
is just the most pants-shittingly fantastic display of golduggery
EVER
(golduggery is exactly like skulduggery
except instead of doing crimes you do gold)
it is this INDESCRIBABLY VALUABLE NECKLACE
it is SO INDESCRIBABLE
that all the norse scribes purposefully lost most of the text of this myth
and no one actually knows what it looks like
or even if it is a necklace really
we’re kind of just guessing here
more or less based on the fact that a necklace is the only form of gold
that could accomodate four dwarfdicks simultaneously
MAN I HATE DWARVES SO MUCH

and so does Freyja
so when these four skeezy dwarfs pop out she is like ew fuck
I mean hey guys how’s it going
think i could have this necklace or whatever it is?
i REEEEEEALLY like it
I’ll pay you GOLD for it
and the dwarves are like we don’t need any more gold
WHOA RECORD SCRATCH
Did you just hear what I heard?
DWARVES
do not need more
GOLD
these are clearly not four dwarves
but rather eight babies in four dwarfsuits
this is the only explanation

and see that just makes the next part weirder
because then freyja is like ok shit well i basically just have gold
credit cards haven’t been invented nor has investment banking
and the dwarves are like WELL YOU HAVE A VAGINA
HOWSABOUT WE ALL USE THAT FOR LIKE 24 HOURS APIECE
and freyja is like hm

okay!

so each of the dwarves fucks freyja for a solid day/night cycle
and they are very civil about it and no one minds getting sloppy seconds
or hot carls or ANYTHING
and at the end of the four days the dwarves are like welp
we’re about as sexually satisfied as we are ever going to be
in our sad sad lives
here
have this necklace
and freyja is like SWEET
this was ALMOST worth debasing myself in this manner!
and meanwhile Loki
who, remember, followed freyja here
is like DAMN I WISH I HAD FILMED THAT
I BET THERE’S A WHOLE INTERNET FETISH ABOUT THIS KIND OF SHIT
oh well i guess i can just settle for ruining her accomplishment
like i planned

so Freyja goes home to enjoy her necklace and take a long shower
and loki hauls ass over to odin’s place
and loki is like odin odin guess what
I know i’m the god of lying all the time
but you gotta trust me when I say
freyja just fucked four dwarves for a necklace
and odin is like yeah that sounds like freyja
I mean WHAT
IIIIII WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA
WE ALL WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA
EVERY GODDAMN GIANT IN JOTUNHEIM WANTS TO FUCK FREYJA
AND ALL WE HAD TO DO ALL THESE YEARS WAS OFFER HER JEWELRY?
UNACCEPTABLE
LOKI GO STEAL HER NECKLACE
and loki is like did somebody say STEALING
and odin is like yes loki that was me that said that
but loki doesn’t hear him because he is already at Freyja’s place
STEALING

so he gets to freyja’s place and the door is locked
he is like what the fuck freyja why you gotta value privacy
maybe because you do shit like fuck four dwarves
so he turns into a fly and tries to find a way in
and FINALLY he flies in through a crack in the roof
but there are EVEN MORE PROBLEMS
because Freyja is sleeping on her back
with the clasp of her necklace completely inaccessible
so loki turns into a flea and mauls the fuck out of her fucking cheek
causing her to spaz out and flip over
and then loki turns into loki and just steals her necklace
and waltzes his merry way home

so Freyja wakes up
notices her necklace is gone
notices her door is open
and is like DAMMIT LOKI
but wait
Loki wouldn’t do this on his own
he’s too much of a pussy
DAMMIT ODIN
but wait how did Odin know about my necklace
DAMMIT LOKI
wait but how the fuck am I ever going to find loki
IM GONNA GO YELL AT ODIN

so she shows up at odin’s place
like WHAT THE FUCK DICKFISH GIMME BACK MY NECKLACE
and Odin is like WELL WELL WELL
IF IT ISN’T SLUT CITY
HEY I HAVE SOME BRASS PLATES AND A SHINY ROCK
WANNA GIVE ME A RIMJOB OR SOMETHING THEY’RE ALL YOURS
and Freyja is like VERY FUNNY ASSHOLE
and Odin is like I BET YOU WON’T THINK MY ASSHOLE IS THAT FUNNY
WHEN YOU ARE GIVING ME A RIMJOB
but seriously i am really scandalized by what you did
so i’m going to punish you
and Freyja is like aw frig
what’s it gonna be
and Odin is like ok well i’ll let you have the necklace back
but only if you make all the races of men in Midgard
fight wars forever
oh wait that’s not really a puniAND FREYJA IS LIKE YES DONE THANK YOU
and then there is war forever
but at least freyja looks pretty

so the moral of the story
is that apparently women ARE currency
but be careful
try and purchase a sandwich with its equivalent dollar value in women
and what you may end up with is CEASELESS WARS

THE END.

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6 thoughts on “There Are Not a Lot of Things Freya Won’t Do For Jewelry

  1. YOU SPEAK TO LORD OF THE ONE'S
    BEHOLD MY INFLUENCE AND TREMBLE

    But only a little bit. This myth is probably now one of my favorites. Oh, Freyja!

  2. Pingback: Odin Starts Acting a Little Zeusy | Myths RETOLD

  3. I used to have a book with this story in it, but it said that the payment was DANCING with the dwarves. I always wondered why the book made it sound so sleazy.

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