There is no dude badder than Cuchulainn

alright so

this chick asked me to do a celtic myth for her birthday
and i was drunk when i was reading her comment
and i thought her birthday was today
so i did a bunch of research
and then i realized she was born on the 6th
who the fuck is born on the 6th
that’s some bullshit
anyway now i have all this research
and nothing to do with it
so get ready for A SOLID WEEK OF CELTIC MYTHS

so okay Cuchulainn right
actually no wait i’m getting ahead of myself
when he was born he was called Setanta
he was popped out by some queen
who drank a fly that fell in her booze
only it wasn’t a fly it was this god Lugh the long-handed
if you know what i mean
(i dont fucking know what i mean)
and he was like CONGRATULATIONS ON SWALLOWING ME
YOU ARE NOW SWANS
and then later she got pregnant and had this kid setanta
ok
backstory complete

OH WAIT
NOT YET
I HAVE TO EXPLAIN HOW HE GOT THE NAME CUCHULAINN
EVEN THOUGH IT IS WAY HARDER TO SPELL AND SAY
so basically by the time setanta is about 4 years old
he is a ridiculous sex machine
and he is adventuring through the woods with some dudes
and he stays behind for some sex or loot or something
and the guys go ahead to some castle
and start partying
and they forget about him
and release their unstoppable dog to guard the castle
but then setanta shows up
and the dog is like HEY HEY HEY
and setanta stabs it to death in the face
and the king gets sad cause his dog is dead
but setanta says he’ll make him a new one
and the king is like AWESOME YOUR NAME IS CUCHULAINN NOW
IT MEANS MURDERHOUND OR SOMETHING

OKAY

NOW I CAN TELL YOU THIS STORY

so by now cuchulainn is what
8 years old
and he is fucking ALL of the bitches
every last one
and all his countrymen are like god dammit man
we need some of the bitches as well
this is not a one man show we got going on
you need to get married
and Cuchulainn is like fine
but ima get married to the hottest bitch of all
THIS CHICK EMER
DAUGHTER OF FORGAL THE WILY
WHO HAS LITERALLY THE BEST NAME

and so he goes to this chick
and he is like hey honey what’s up
i wanna rest my sword between your tits
if you know what i mean
and emer is like i know what you mean
and i can also see
that you are 8 fucking years old
what are you trying to get me thrown in jail
and cuchulainn is like look at my pecs
and emer is like those are some pretty nice pecs
but you don’t even have a beard dude
how am i supposed to love a guy who doesnt have a beard
oh i know
how about if you become a supergreat warrior
and murder several hundred guys
i will totally bone you
and cuchulainn is like sounds like a deal
and as a cherry on top
how about i don’t bone any hot bitches until i get back
and emer is like DEAL

i really dont know why cuchulainn made that last promise
because he is physically incapable
of keeping it in his pants
it is like his penis is some kind of unruly seamonster
or moray eel
telescoping out of its holster
and harpooning ladies left and right
for example this warrior queen Aoife
who he defeats
and then harpoons with his sea monster
and then takes her magic barbed harpoon
which is made
from the bones
OF A SEAMONSTER
see how this shit comes back together?

anyway then he goes and gets warrior training somewhere
montage montage montage OKAY
NOW HE’S BACK AT THE CASTLE WHERE EMER LIVES
but Forgath the wily is like NAH FUCK YOU
so cuchulainn SALMON-LEAPS OVER THE WALLS
MURDERS EVERYONE IN THE CITY
and then is like hey baby whats up
and he steals Emer
and then roams around the country side
killing the requisite number of dudes
to get emer to sleep with him
and then she does
and it’s awesome
and after that
they settle down
to celebrate Cuchulainns 12th birthday

this teaches us a valuable lesson
which is that statutory rape is okay
as long as you are statutorily raping a mass murderer

the end.

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6 thoughts on “There is no dude badder than Cuchulainn

  1. Best birthday present ever… ya know if my birthday were a different day. THANK YOU!!!!!!!! The best part was seeing this story get tweeted and retweeted before I even knew it was up.

  2. I know this was posted ages ago. But shit.
    I am going to pretend that this is the one and only version of the myth, because, 'and he is adventuring through the woods with some dudes
    and he stays behind for some sex or loot or something
    and the guys go ahead to some castle
    and start partying' sounds way better than 'Setanta was late because he wanted to play hurling.'
    But maybe that's just because in primary school, they tried to justify Setanta (because we only learned about how he got his name, and unfortunately not about him going off and screwing everyone) murdering people BECAUSE HE DID IT WITH A SLIOTAR AND A CAMÁN SO AT LEAST HE MURDERED THEM IN AN IRISH WAY AMIRITE?

  3. We only learn three myths: Cú Chulainn and how he shoved a sliotar in a dog's mouth; the Brown bull of Cooley and how FINALLY SOMETHING INVOLVES CONNACHT, and Oisín and Tír na nÓg, which is mainly so they can involve Saint Patrick at the end. Then everyone makes their communion and if you're not Catholic SIT ON THAT PEW WOULD YOU STOP MOVING DAMMIT.

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