Thor Has Anger Management Issues But We Knew This

At the behest of Patreon
today I will be filling in some holes in the story of Baldur’s death
as originally told by cowardly murder victim Snorri Sturluson
(hehe holes)
(I’m sorry)
(I didn’t want to turn this opening paragraph into sexual innuendo)
(do you ever feel like you’re trapped in your life?)
(like every successive boner joke sucks out a little more of your life force?)
(hehe, suck)

Right so Baldur is dead
we covered this years ago
but what we didn’t talk about
was his FUNERAL
WOOO FUNNNNNN

okay I was being sarcastic when i said woo fun
but actually the funeral is pretty dope
I mean you guys know what a viking funeral is right?
it’s when you put a dead body in a boat
and then set the boat on fire
aka THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE WAY TO BE CREMATED

obviously Baldur is a viking so he is getting a viking funeral
but the problem is that Baldur is the most viking viking ever
which would not be a problem if he was alive obviously
but is a problem now because he has THE BIGGEST BOAT IN THE WORLD
his boat even has a NAME i don’t give a shit about
so the gods load Baldur’s body into the boat
but then they’re like “shit
how are we going to get this boat into the water?”
and Thor’s like “Uh, hey”
and the gods are like “If only one of us was strong enough to push it”
and Thor’s like “Hello guys, hey”
and the gods are like “Hmm … looks like we’re going to need a giantess for this”
and Thor’s like “HEY COME ON.”

But they do it
they invite a giantess named Hyrrokin
and she shows up riding a wolf
with DEADLY SNAKES as a bridle
probably wearing a leather jacket and smoking like 9 cigarettes
and Thor is like “Somebody’s trying a little too hard”
but nobody hears him because the motor on Hyrrokin’s wolf is too loud

So then Hyrrokin gets off her wolf
and Odin sends four berserkers to hold it
(and remember
berserkers are the elite viking warriors who are SO VIOLENT
that if you’re sending them into battle
you better make sure there are enough enemies to kill
because if there aren’t, they’ll make up the quota with your dudes)
and the four berserkers can’t calm the wolf down
without beating it totally fucking senseless
so Hyrokkin walks away from this bloody wolf melee
not even looking back
takes off her shades
and is like “Yo
Somebody call for a boat moving specialist?”
and everybody’s like “SO COOL”
and Thor is like “I mean i have a hammer only I can lift but whatever”

Then Hyrrokin goes up to the boat
and she’s like “Haha is this the boat you need moved?
I almost didn’t see it because it’s SO SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT
it’s like a rowboat had a baby with another, smaller rowboat
fucking adorable
now watch this drive”
and she punches that boat into the water SO HARD
that the logs they put under the boat to help it go into the water
CATCH FUCKING FIRE
and there’s an EARTHQUAKE
and Hyrrokin is like “Wow that was easy
what’s next?
yall got some jars you need opened or anything?”
and Thor’s like “I’LL OPEN YOUR JAR YOU FUCKING SHOW-STEALER”
but before he can whip out his hammer everybody’s like “Whoa dude
chill out
don’t know what you’ve got against our cool new best friend Hyrrokin
no need to get mad
just because she was literally the only one strong enough to do this”
and Thor is like “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALRIGHT THEN
JUST GONNA BLESS THIS FUNERAL PYRE WITH MY HAMMER THEN
YOU KNOW
THE HAMMER I HAVE BECAUSE I’M THE STRONGEST”
and everyone’s like “Cool dude whatever”

Then Baldur’s wife is really sad for some reason
so she throws herself on the fire and immediately dies
and they throw Baldur’s horse in the fire too
and that golden ring that shits out other rings
so basically all their best stuff
and during the ceremony
Thor kicks a dwarf named Litur into the fire too
and nobody says anything about it
because fuck dwarves.

So the moral of the story
is next time you go to a funeral
show up riding a fucking wolf

the end

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5 thoughts on “Thor Has Anger Management Issues But We Knew This

  1. The part where Thor kicks the dwarf into the fire has always been my favorite part of Norse Mythology. It comes up so randomly and literally nothing is said about it. ‘Tis great.

  2. I had to ban videos in the morning before school, and my son was enraged and threatening me until I turned him and his little brother on to a kids’ book of Norse myths. Their favorite is “Thor’s Wedding,” where the frost giants steal Thor’s hammer, planning to trade it for Freya’s hand in marriage (thaaaaat will work!) and Loki convinces Thor to dress up as Freya in order to get it back. Have you done this one? (I’ll probably search for it when I’m done writing this comment). I have some issues with this myth, firstly that I resent the heteronormative implications that a big strong man can be brought low and turned into an object of ridicule simply by wearing a dress (have you SEEN the photo of Iggy Pop in a cocktail dress? This is obviously not true!) and the implications this suggestion will have for my sons’ future instincts about their performance of masculinity. My other issue with the myth as I’ve read it to my boys is that the original was CLEARLY full of raunchy sexual innuendo (there’s a wedding feast, which goes about the way you would expect a wedding feast with Thor as the bride to go) and all the dirty jokes were scrubbed out because Special Edition for Children. This upsets me.

    I’m planning to read this version of this myth to my boys, perhaps we’ll start reading your Norse myths in the morning instead (at the very least, I need a better edition).

    • Update, just read this myth and the story of Baldur’s death AND Thor’s wedding to my 5 and 3 year old (I did omit some of the sex stuff from Thor’s wedding, because although *I* want to read dirty sex jokes, my boys are still strikingly uncurious about what sex is). They liked them, and my 5 y o is describing the flaming basilisk fangs and missle launchers and robots he would add to *his* wolf if he had one to ride. Reckon you have another fan.

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