What the fuck Loki

Guys this is a very important post
because it has two very important informations in it
one is that i am like a third of the way through linking up all the posts
you can see a fine example of the kind of bullshit that is happening here

SECOND ANNOUNCMENET
i have decided fuck video myths
at least until i am no longer on the road
because finding internet to post 5-7 videos is fucking exhausting
and the quality is shite anyway
BUT NEVER FEAR
BECAUSE LISTEN GUYS
The next time I get a total of 20 bucks from you assholes
I am going to post a rap
about a MYTH
like right now I am working on a rap version of Oedipus Rex
(which you may recall was the first ever myth on this blog)
So give me money and I will give you raps
don’t believe I can do it? WELL FUCK YOU.

ANYWAY

Holy shit guys this myth pisses me off

so basically what happens
is there is this god Baldur
he’s real pretty and everybody loves him
and he knows it
but he’s not a prick about it or anything
but then SUDDENLY
Baldur starts having this shitty terrible nightmares
that are just like HEY BALDUR
GONNA DIE BALDUR
GONNA GONNA DIE

so baldur goes to Odin
all like waah dad i had a bad dream
and odin is like OH FUCK SON
WE GOTTA GO ASK SOME DEAD WITCHES ABOUT THIS SHIT
so he rides his weird octopus horse sliepnir
all the way to the grave of this chick Volva
only i dont know why she has a grave cuz she’s not really dead
she just kind of pretends to be dead all the time
and tells the future
so basically like some kind of psychic emo possum
anyway odin shows up all like WAKE UP BITCH
and volva is like WHAT
and Odin is like I passed Hel on the way here
and they looked like they were bout to have some kind of hootenanny
WHY IS THIS
and Volva is like oh your son’s gonna die
this is NOT the answer Odin wanted to hear

so he goes back to Asgard
and he is like hey frigga i have good news and bad news
and frigga is like give me the good news first
and odin is like our son is going to die
and frigga is like FUCK THAT’S NOT GOOD NEWS
and odin is like oh shit yeah i forgot
there is no good news
there is only bad news
so yeah

then frigga calls all the gods together
and she is like guys what the fuck
who is plotting to kill my son
and they are like what
we like Baldur why would we do that
what are we some kind of band of scheming murdering assholes?
and loki is like I am
and everyone is like shut the fuck up Loki

so since obviously this is accomplishing nothing
frigga decides to go out
and singlehandedly make EVERYTHING PROMISE NOT TO KILL BALDUR
not everyONE mind you
but everyTHING
like fire and dandelions and refrigerators and tornadoes
like have you ever played katamari damacy
it is like one of those fucking lists the king of all cosmos rattles off
during the loading screen for every level
like someone gave acid to a random number generator and hit it with a shovel
she is just like guys
kill whoever you want as long as it isn’t baldur
and everything is like yeah sure no problem
we like baldur
baldur’s hot

so pretty soon baldur is indestructible by default
just basically because everything abjectly refuses to kill him
and his brothers think this is funny as shit
in fact they keep having parties
that consist solely of duct taping their brother to a wall
and throwing shit at him
i feel like they are not the first brothers to have ever done this
but they are definitely the first to get away with it

but for some reason
and seriously guys
i have NO IDEA what that reason might be
loki is not okay with this
so what he does
is he dresses up as a woman
(the guy likes to feel pretty, ok)
but an OLD woman
and then he sidles up to frigga
who is watching her sons throw weapons at her other son
and is like hey what the fuck is going on over there
and freyja is like oh its fine
everything in the entire world has promised not to kill baldur
except that mistletoe over there
but that’s just because it is too young and easily influenced to make promises
pretty safe, huh
and loki is like YESSSS
UNBELIEVABLY SAFE

so of course loki grabs that nubile young mistletoe
and sharpens the fuck out of it
and puts it on a spear
and then he goes and finds Baldur’s sad blind brother Hoder
who is like boo hoo i want to throw shit at my brother
but no one will let me have a weapon cuz i’m blind
and loki is like OH THE INJUSTICE
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS BLIND DOESN’T MEAN
THAT SHE SHOULDN’T BE ABLE
TO HURL DEADLY WEAPONS AT HIS FAMILY
HERE TAKE THIS SPEAR
and hoder is like AWESOME THIS DOESN’T SOUND LIKE A BAD IDEA AT ALL
and he flings the spear
and for some reason manages to hit Baldur DIRECTLY IN HIS HEART
guys
HODER IS BLIND
THIS IS SPECIFICALLY WHY HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO THROW SHIT
WHY IS HE SO ACCURATE SUDDENLY
AAAAAAAAAA

anyway then baldur dies obviously
and everyone is really sad because they liked him
and now he is dead forever
man being a god in norse mythology doesn’t have all the perks it should

anyway the point here is
WHAT THE FUCK DID LOKI HAVE TO GAIN FROM THIS
it’s like
all you have to do
is REALLY REALLY want something not to happen
like the end of the world or your son dying or spiders erupting out your dick
and loki will MAKE THAT SHIT HAPPEN

so i guess the moral of the story
is if you are trying to get a bunch of stuff to promise not to murder someone
don’t forget to get LOKI in on that shit
seriously man what the fuck
i am getting rageblisters all over my body from this shit

the end i guess

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20 thoughts on “What the fuck Loki

  1. I read this myth when I was four (a simplified version, obviously) and Loki was hence the first person I hated with a burning rage. Not my brother, not Disney villains, but Loki. D:<

    Even worse; apparently Baldur could be brought back if every living thing cried for him, so Frigga went around trying to get everyone to shed tears for him and he was so beloved that everyone cried for him. The only person who refused to cry for him was… an old woman. Despite Frigga's entreaties, she insisted that Baldur was nothing to her and refused to weep for him, and so Baldur remained in the realm of the dead.

    Some versions say this was Loki in drag, some say it was his daughter Hel. Either way, WTF LOKI.

  2. Personally, I think Loki did a great job here… all those prick Aesir acting like they can trick fate and make a game out of it and Bam Loki corrects the error.

    Then again I might be kinda biased – Loptrson

  3. I feel as if you should do Julius Caesar. Not because it's Mythology or anything, but I could see you doing good Shakespeare work for all of us lazy high school kids.

  4. I feel I need to say this. I’ll probably sound stupid, and I’m not trying to be one of those people that freak out because you say something bad about something I like. Just trying to share another version.

    Anyway, in this version, Odin devises this plan because he knows that none of the gods living on Asgard are going to survive Ragnarok, when it comes. He also knows that Baldur was prophecied to become king of the gods after Ragnarok. And lastly, he knows the that only world that won’t be hurt by Ragnarok is Helheim(land of the dead). He conspired with Loki to murder Baldur and send him to Helheim, where he would be safe. Then, when the Great War was over, he could take his throne.

    How this all worked out, I still have no idea (so, yeah, no idea how he would get out of Helheim after all that. Or how Odin learned some of these things.)

    Also, in the versions I’ve read, Loki aims the spear for him, and then he just throws. Which, I think says something for Loki’s accuracy(wow, tried to come up with a negative comment, and it turns into a compliment. Maybe there is something wrong with me after all?). But I won’t go into this further except to say if you don’t get why it’s flattering, you probably don’t understand the way I think. Which is fine. Most people don’t, I think.

    Let replies on why I am an idiot and how stupid I sound during this now poor down upon me. Don’t worry, I probably deserve at least half of it.

    • You’re only an idiot because you said “poor” (no moneys fo me, boosie hoosie) instead of pour (put that firewater in my mouth now!).

      I imagine your exchange going like this:
      Odin: Loki, I need you to kill Baldur in order to send him to Helheim to protect him from the fires of Ragnarok so that, once the world has been destroyed, he can take his rightful place in the throne of Asgard – Loki, are you listening to me?
      Loki: Sorry, I heard “kill Baldur, blah blah blah.” Whatever; I’m your man.

  5. I have been reading your Norse myths and they make me laugh so loud my roommate looks at me funny.

    I was thinking you should do the story of Skadi and how Loki manages to make her laugh. Because whenever I think of that story I think of your voice and style telling it. And it makes me wish you had written it.

    Just a thought, don’t do it if you think I’m crazy.

    Awesome, awesome job on the myths. Thanks. 😀

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  7. This is hilarious. I’ve just discovered this site and already I’m hooked. Gotta love your style.

    Have you done the one about Heimdall and the creation of the races of man? That would be awesome in this style. Of course, I feel like they all would.

  8. You gotta wonder just how loved Baldur really was if the second they hear that they won’t get in trouble for it everyone immediately decides it’s a great idea to throw deadly weapons at him. Or is that a guy thing?

  9. See the thing that always annoyed me is that mistletoe is hella poisonous, so Frigga went round asking all the adorable non deadly things like grass and dormice and fluffy bunny rabbits to not kill her son but not the horrifically poisonous mistletoe. Also the Norse would have known about it being poisonous. It always pissed me off anyway.

    • This has always been my favorite myth, and now this is my favorite telling of it. But to the poison bit, the version I first heard was that Frigga had asked the tree not to kill Baldur, but overlooked the mistletoe growing out of it as a different plant, which Loki totally took advantage of; and that’s why mistletoe is poisonous now, because it was bitter about not getting the evite.

  10. But if you think about it, he technically helped balder. Because after everyone else died, the dead came back to life to repopulate the universe…

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  12. I think the key to understanding why Loki did this is realizing one very important thing about Hela, goddess of the underworld.

    She’s his daughter.

    Loki did all this – this huge, convoluted, dickish murder plan – to get his daughter a piece of that sweet Baldur ass.

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