To the Desert!

Okay so first of all

on a personal note
I am about to fuck off to the desert
for like a week
and the desert i am fucking off to
does not have a rich and renewable supply of internet
so what I’m going to do
is I’m going to put this fine blog
in your EXTREMELY CAPABLE HANDS
if you have a myth you are super excited about
and you wanna retell it mega sweetly and maybe not use a lot of punctuation
go ahead and email your myth to
renit DOT services AT gmail DOT com
but like
don’t write out the dots and the ats
that would be fucking retarded
there is going to be a guy reading your emails
and he is going to pick the two best ones
and put one up on Thursday
and one up on Saturday
along with a shoutout to whoever wrote it
it’s going to be great
you’ll love it

so anyway in honor of this worthless desert i’m going to
here’s a myth about a worthless fucking desert

so you guys have heard of Jesus, right?
he’s the guy with the beard and shit
so Jesus just decides to fuck off to the middle of the goddamn desert
for 40 days and 40 nights
which is just ancient-talk for
AN INDETERMINATELY LONG TIME
they don’t necessarily mean 40 days
could be sixteen
could be four billion
who fucking knows
the important thing is Jesus decides it would be a great idea
to also not eat anything during this desert fuckscapade
so he is naturally pretty hungry
and he’s crawling around in the desert
feeling miserable
wondering why he makes such bad decisions
when Satan shows up
Satan is like sup Jesus
Jesus is like gggggg so hungry
and Satan is like hey dude are you fucking retarded
you are the son of god
you tell those rocks over there to turn into bread
they’ll be like “whole wheat or gluten free?”
come on do it
and jesus is like I COULD do that
or I could quote some scripture at you
like for example
MAN CANNOT SURVIVE ON BREAD ALONE
and satan is like good point but you’re starving to death
bread is at least one of the things man needs to survive
water’s another good one
you don’t have a lot of that either
but jesus isn’t listening
so satan is like fuck FINE
and teleports jesus to the top of the temple in Jerusalem
and jesus is like WHOA WHAT
and satan is like hey jesus
you know what would be MEGA GNARLY RADICAL TO THE MAX EXTREME
is if you JUMPED OFF THIS TEMPLE
AND RELIED ON GOD’S ANGELS TO CATCH YOU ON THE WAY DOWN
all the people in the streets would be like
DID YOU SEE THAT DUDE
DID YOU SEE WHAT HE DID
SHIT WAS SO SWEET
I AM GOING INTO MOTHERFUCKING DIABETIC SHOCK RIGHT NOW
and jesus looks down
and sees that it is indeed triple sweet
but then he’s like
NO WAY SATAN
gonna quote scripture again instead
specifically DONT PUT GOD TO THE TEST
and satan is like man
what the fuck is the point of being the physical manifestation of god
if you can’t turn rocks into bread or do wicked flips off temples
but jesus isn’t paying ANY fucking attention
so satan is like ALRIGHT ASSHOLE
BAMF
and he teleports jesus to the top of the highest mountain
and points at all the kingdoms just lying around minding their business
and is like do you see those kingdoms
they’re yours
all of them
all you gotta do
is worship me instead of your dad
and jesus is like no dice satan
and satan is all come on
and he flies jesus around the world
pointing at kingdoms
all like
BANGLADESH? YOURS
ITALY? YOURS
FUCKING MADAGASCAR? NO PROBLEM
dude i can hook you up
what is wrong with you
do you not like getting hooked up
i know i like getting hooked up
do you have some kind of a condition
that makes you like
get upset when totally sweet things are given to you
for almost nothing?
but jesus just waves his arms around and goes
GET AWAY SATAN
literally that is the best thing he can come up with to say
he says
GET AWAY SATAN
CAUSE SCRIPTURE SAYS
WORSHIP THE LORD GOD AND SERVE HIM ONLY
and satan is like shiiiiit son
if all you’re gonna do is read outta yer damn book all day
i’m done here
shit’s boring
so he disappears
and a whole bunch of angels show up
and cook jesus a feast
and then later he gets pretty famous
but then gets nailed to a cross
could have been the leader of all kingdoms ever
kings don’t get crucified too much
just sayin’
so moral of the story?
hail satan.

The end

RedditStumbleUponShare

One thought on “To the Desert!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>