Too much effort for peanuts

So brer fox again

he gets this idea into his head
that he is going to plant a field of GOOBER PEAS
which are just basically peanuts
but with a funnier name
anyway he hoes and hoes
haha hoes
and he rakes and rakes
and he waters and waters
and does all the stuff you need to do
to grow a fine crop of goober peas

but he doesn’t count on the fact
that brer rabbit is such a little asshole
that he has been watching the goober field all this time
waiting for the peas to grow
and when they finally do grow
brer rabbit invites his WHOLE FAMILY
to an all-you-can-steal buffet at fox’s house
they steal so much
that when brer fox comes out the next day
he can hardly find any peas at all

so of course he knows it must be brer rabbit
because who else is enough of a dick to do something like this
but brer rabbit has covered up his footprints so well
fox can’t figure out where he is
so he makes a trap instead
because he knows
as long as there is something left to take from him
brer rabbit is going to keep coming back

what he does is he takes some rope
and he ties it to a tree
and he bends the tree double
and then fixes a loop at the end of the rope
right around a rabbit-sized hole in the fence
so when brer rabbit inevitably runs through
the rope will trigger
and tighten
and hoist him up in the air

and lo and behold
the very next day
while fox is out
here comes brer rabbit about to be a massive prick
and he hops in through that hole
and the rope tightens
and he is all dangling up in the air
just like in swiss family robinson or whatever
and he is like hm
guess i’m about to get fucked huh

but all is not lost
because who does brer rabbit see coming down the road
but brer bear
looking for a tree full of bees so he can get some honey
now brer rabbit does some quick thinking
and decides that any animal
that is actually SEEKING OUT BEES
is probably a stupid animal
so he waves his paws around like HEY
HEY
BRER BEAR
and Brer Bear is like sup

so brer rabbit is like eh not much
just chillin
and brer bear is like i can’t help but notice
you are hanging upside down from a tree
and brer rabbit is like so i am

so
i
am

and brer bear is like why
why are you doing that
and brer rabbit is like oh it’s awesome
brer fox is paying me a dollar a minute
just to hang from his tree and scare birds away
and brer bear is like
ONE DOLLAR A MINUTE
THAT’S
THAT’S
SIX BILLION DOLLARS AN HOUR!
SIGN ME UP
and brer rabbit is like sure ok
just get yourself snared in this rope
instead of me
i don’t need money i just steal whatever i want

so brer rabbit scampers off
while brer bear hangs from the tree
going RRRRR whenever he sees a bird
and brer fox comes back

now in these stories
as you have probably gathered
everyone other than brer rabbit is fucking retarded
and brer rabbit isn’t even that smart either
it’s like how in the land of the blind
the one-eyed man is a dick
but anyway brer fox is immediately like YOU
BRER BEAR
YOU ARE CAUGHT IN MY TRAP
SO CLEARLY YOU WERE STEALING MY GOOOOBERRR PEEEASSSSS
and brer bear is like no what
i don’t even like those
where’s my six billion dollars

even as stupid as these two animals are
they figure out pretty quick who is to blame
for this misunderstanding
and brer rabbit for his part
knows that they probably will
so he goes and buries himself in some mud
so only his eyes poke out
and he looks exactly like a toad
so when brer bear comes grumbling by
like GRUMBLE GRUMBLE WHERE BRER RABBIT AT
brer rabbit is like
RIBBIT RIBBIT I SAW HIM GO THAT WAY
and off goes brer bear
on another idiot adventure

all of this effort
just for some fucking peanuts
with a goddamn stupid name
making this the most convincing argument yet
for supermarkets

the end.

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2 thoughts on “Too much effort for peanuts

  1. Br’er Rabbit actually IS Anansi, you realize, fused with a trickster-type rabbit from some Native American folklore or other, I dunno which. That’s what you get when African slaves are brought to America and get to swapping myths with the locals.

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