WHO WRITES THIS SHIT?!

Me
I am the guy who writes this shit
here are some facts about myself:

Height: tallest
Age: handsome
Weight: what
Favorite Drink: milk
Favorite Color: also milk
Likes: Myths, myths about myths, mythical myths, milk
Dislikes: birds. who the fuck do they think they are?
they are like pinatas but with no fucking strings
where am i supposed to hang my pinata if it doesn’t have a fucking string?
birds: nature’s answer to fun?
SERIOUSLY
I am not a big fan of any animal that can shit directly into my hair
I guess most animals can do it
but usually they have to like go out of their way to do it
birds? nope
they just fire away
also they make sounds and bring joy to children
I am sick to death of birds
When was the last time a bird made a house for YOU?
HUH?
RIDDLE ME THAT!
I DON’T EVEN HAVE A HOUSE
not to mention bird baths
HELLO BIRDS YOU DONT NEED TO TAKE BATHS YOU ARE FILTHY ANIMALS
HAVE YOU FUCKING SEEN WOODPECKERS?
TELL ME that shit isn’t sinister
i saw one of those things drill a hole in a baby’s head
lay a whole bunch of eggs in there
just like that
they’re in league with the trees
they talk to them using morse code
fucking trees man
don’t even get me STARTED on trees
they’re like the icebergs of the land
except like
if your boat hits an iceberg
that is like part of standard operating procedure for boats
whereas if your boat hits a tree
SHIT IS THOROUGHLY OUT OF CONTROL
that makes trees like SIX THOUSAND TIMES WORSE than ice bergs
and one of those fuckers sunk the titanic
you see what I’m getting at here?
basically
fuck birds

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36 thoughts on “WHO WRITES THIS SHIT?!

  1. Hey, thanks for the writing, love it. If I read something of yours out in public, I’d love to know how you’d like to be credited? …I don’t mean read it for payment, just sheer entertainment value?

    • Just do your thing, man. Read that shit like there is no tomorrow. You can just tell people about the site, and maybe about that sweet dude named Ovid who runs the site.

  2. you.are.so.cute. its killing me fjskla;fjsakl; oh and keep writing you’re amazing and good luck with grad school, you’ll make it through!

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  4. Pingback: Orpheus and Eurydice –> Myths RETOLD

      • THIRDED

        seriously, I just explained this site to a friend by saying “It’s like if Dave Strider decided to pass the time on the meteor by telling the trolls as many human myths as he could.”

        • I am in complete agreement of this assumption, since first reading your story. Holy shitballs, uncanny as hell.

          This is a compliment of course, as Dave Strider’s literary squirreling, like yours, is fresh as pesto, (the fresh kind of pesto, made by real chefs, not that older, yet still pretty tasty jarred pesto.) and twice as slick.

  5. My doctorate is in Old Norse religion. I read your Norse creation story and your rendition of Hymiskvidha, and just about fell off my chair laughing. You’re brilliant! I am rationing further visits to this site to one a day, lest I implode and die from excessive laughter.

  6. Ovid- you are the twenty first century love child of Joseph Campbell and everything that is right, good, and funny about the interwebs. And David Bowie, because I think you are that level of awesome.

  7. hey man I am really laugthing my fucking ass off on this blog but I would like to know more about did Titanic got really sunk by a tree? :)

  8. Awesome. Just when I thought I was going to read facts, I get stabbed in the funny bone. It happens every time I visit this gods-forsaken (Norse, Greek, Egyptian, you name it) site. They don’t want anything as funny as this, apparently. Except maybe Loki… or Hermes. Point is, you manage to be funny, even when writing about how much you hate something I love, congratulations :)

    • That’s really only one theory, based mostly on the whole hollow bones thing. It’s like saying that an elephant is the same as a wizard horse because they have the same genetic ancestry. Also most dinosaurs were big enough to lay their loads on the average human skull without any extra effort. So I guess my point is, don’t lose respect for a guy who doesn’t like your shitty relatives, especially when all you share in common is being really fragile and the ability to poop in inconvenient ways?

  9. Hey not to be annoying, but do you have somewhere where you post the myths you retell in case we wanted to read them? By the way you’re awesome. You seriously make me laugh every time.

  10. Oh you mean like the originals? I’m trying to get better about linking them in the posts where they’re cited, but for now that’s all there is.

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  12. I miss the icon of the guy who will do unspeakable things for money. he was cute and seeing him cheered me up. if you don’t want to bring him back that’s fine but I miss him.

  13. Dude, you seriously need some Irish myths. You are seriously missing out on them. There’s lots of crazy shit in there. Otherwise, I love your current work. It’s awesome and has made my day.

  14. You should look up Lithuanian Pagan mythology or fairytales.
    Especially the fairytales.
    They’re kind of ridiculous.

  15. 前スレの工房ですが、プロ仕様の透明カバーや、ショルダーベルト等製造していたので、連結部分のフックも頑強な焼き入れナスカンを使っていましたよ。

  16. I also miss the icon of the guy who will do unspeakable things for money but I really miss the good old days at the Fly where me and this tall, goofy, no shoe wearing fool played with fire and knives and took the term “bullshitting” or “shootin da shit” to a wholenother level.
    and fuck birds, all high and mighty, shitting on people and flying away because they can, knowing we cant chase them. That’s why we invented guns right? thought so.
    I dont know about trees though. I think they could have destroyed us all a long time ago if they wanted to or did they just keep us around to fuck with us for their own sick pleasure. I bet they get all green(with envy) when they seeing us walking around cuz we have legs that enable mobility and such Sooooooooo HAHA leafy Bitches, I guess evolution likes us better.

  17. Pingback: Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: Or, How Cory O’Brien Made Mythology Awesome-er. | The Electric Feast

  18. I didn’t think there was anyone in the world who hated birds more than I hate birds. I was wrong.

    I’m pleased to have found your site, kindred soul.

    Also? Mythology? THE BEST THING EVER!

    (I suspect we might be related.)

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