Monthly Archives: February 2011

Uther Pendragon is basically Zeus

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Alright so King Arthur right

OH SHIT WAIT SLOWWWW DOWN
because at this point in the story
king arthur isn’t even king yet
and in fact
he is not even born
it is pretty hard to be king when you are not born guys
because babies are stupid
and sperm is even stupider than babies
trust me i have tried to teach sperm to do all these tricks
but it just sits there
fucking worthless

ok so really the guy we should be talking about
is motherfucking UTHER PENDRAGON
my friends
if you have the word dragon
ANYWHERE in your fucking name
you are destined for greatness
and this guy is already basically as great as you can possibly get
because see
England has a bunch of kings right
but Uther
is KING OF ALL THOSE KINGS
that’s right
there are so many kings
THE KINGS HAVE KINGS

Now here is where the different tellings of this story diverge
that’s right
THEY DIVERGE BEFORE THE STORY EVEN GETS STARTED ASSHOLES
because when you are reading myths about king arthur
you have a couple of options
one is to read Malory
who basically tells it like it is
another is to read Howard Pyle
who takes Malory
straps a chastity belt on him
straps a chastity belt on the chastity belt
then dips the whole thing in a vat of shamesauce
OR you can read Thomas Berger
who takes Howard Pyle
chops his legs off
straps him to a jetpack
glues a pair of tits to his face
and sets him on fire
guess which one i picked

so like I said Uther is pretty much set for life
but all this glory hardly even registers
on his royal give-a-shit-ometer
because what he is concerned with
is banging some other dude’s wife
the dude’s name is Gorlois
and his main trait is that he has a hot wife
named Ygraine
so Uther is like HM
I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THIS WOMAN
BUT SHE’S MARRIED
I KNOW
I WILL DECLARE WAR ON HER HUSBAND
THIS IS SURE TO WIN HER OVER
a tactic that has withstood the test of time

so he does this
and Gorlois’ first response is to just run the fuck away
leaving behind his wife in his castle
and getting the fuck besieged out of him in this other castle
i do not know whose idea this brilliant tactic was
but they need a medal

what this does manage to do however
is keep Uther from killing Gorlois pretty much indefinitely
at which point Uther actually gets ILL WITH RAGE
yes
some people are so full of fury that it can actually cause DISEASES
and he is like RRRRRRRRRR
WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO BANG THIS CHICK SO BAD
but then his pal ulfin shows up and is like dude what the fuck
you’re Uther motherfucking pendragon
the only limiting factor on the number of women you can bone
at any given time
is how many penises you have
look i know this wizard merlin
he can give you like
a plethora of dicks
you will forget all about this skank ho Ygraine i promise
and Uther
whose main talent is not listening to people
is like MERLIN OF COURSE
I WILL HIRE HIM TO HELP ME BONE YGRAINE

so he sends some dudes to go find merlin
and they all find this lake
and they are super thirsty
so they drink out of it
and BAM they turn into frogs
and merlin shows up like HAHA ASSHOLES
I’M A WIZARD WHATS UP
OH YOU NEED ME TO GO SEE UTHER
I KNEW THAT ALREADY
CAUSE GUESS WHAT PISSCORKS
I’M MERLIN
SPELLED M-E-R-L-DON’T FUCK WITH ME
and then he teleports to Uther’s castle
and all those dudes get eaten by monsters

So uther is crying tears of pure rage in his throne room
and WHAM BAM BAZZZAM
Merlin arrives
like HEY UTHER WHATS GOOD I HEAR YOU NEED TO GET LAID
and Uther is like YOU HEARD RIGHT
and merlin is like YOU’RE IN LUCK BUDDY
GETTING PEOPLE LAID IS WHAT I DO

Amauri Siegel done did this

ALSO BASICALLY ANYTHING ELSE I WANT
AT ALL TIMES
so here is what we are going to do
I am going to turn you into Gorlois
then
you are going to fuck Ygraine
also I will turn me and Ulfin into some of Gorlois’ dudes
cause why not
and Uther is like wait hold on
how much is this gonna cost
I am kind of cash poor at the moment
and Merlin is like whatever dude I don’t accept cash anyway
I only accept CHILDREN
and Uther is like whoa what
and Merlin is like dude you’re gonna have a kid with Ygraine
he’s gonna be a super great king
and since I am basically making his existence happen
through a winning combination of my wand and your dick
I get to be his dad
them’s the rules
and Uther is like I don’t know man
and Merlin is like have you SEEN Ygraine’s tits?
and Uther is like not as much as I would like to
and Merlin is like and you’re telling me
you don’t want some consequence free sex
with basically the equivalent of fourteen supermodels
duct taped to a missile
full of SEX PHEREMONES
and Uther is like i don’t even know what half of those words were
but i’m sold
let’s do this

so Merlin changes everybody into everybody else
and then he gets bored and teleports them all to Gorlois’ castle
and there are pretty much NO GUARDS AT ALL
they basically just waltz right in
except waltzing has not been invented yet
so they like
gallivant I guess
or sashay maybe
anyway they go inside and merlin just happens to know where Ygraine is at
and he takes Uther there and is like go for it buddy
so Uther goes in there and Ygraine is like whoa shit
hey husband I thought you got killed
and Uther is like less talk more intercourse
and proceeds win the all around gold medal in the vagina olympics
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
until finally Ulfin comes knocking on the door
and Uther is like WHAT IM TRYING TO GET LAID HERE
and Ulfin is like um well Gorlois is dead
and Uther is like SWEET
now I can stop wearing this shitty disguise
and just bang this chick regular-like
so he does that
for like several days or something
and she gets preggers
and then Uther proceeds to go on a completely unreasonable party tour
all across england
with his entire army
literally raping the fuck out of every woman over the age of 11
or actually he is not raping very much
but ALL HIS MEN are raping more or less nonstop
he is too busy boning his stolen wife
but then he kind of forgets about her for a while
and about the child she is carrying
and she gives birth to this little kid
named Arthur
and all of a sudden Merlin appears like
OH A BABY
DON’T MIND IF I DO
YOINK
and everyone is kind of perplexed by this
but they have learned not to fuck with Merlin
because fucking with Merlin is how you get turned into frogs
and then pretty soon after that Uther dies
probably from venereal disease but it could be anything

so the moral of the story
is if you want to basically just do what you want all the time
be a wizard
they seem to have that shit on lockdown

The End.

WAYNE’S WORLD! WAYNE’S WORLD! EXODUS! EXODUS!

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11

so here is part one of a video just like i promised
it is about moses and god and snakes
and i think i say tits in it at least once so that’s a win

ALSO
SHIRTS
probably gonna make whichever 3 shirts get the most votes
and if you guys are cool with it
I’m going to just make them myself
using stencils and spraypaint
a la THIS GUY
because cafepress and every site like it is a waste of time
that would force me to charge you guys exorbitant amounts of money
for shitty inferior products that don’t even look as good
as i can make them look on my own
plus if I make them myself I can do them in whatever colors you guys want
because the tshirt shop down the street is amazing
also I made a shitty mspaint mockup
of what the Norse Flowchart is gonna look like
just to get the idea across
you can see it after the jump
i promise the stencil will actually look like something other than shit
we cool?

OK MYTH

I MADE TWO VERSIONS

WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE OR DO THEY BOTH SUCK TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME

HORSECOCK

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17

Alright guys
you keep showing up in droves
(especially yesterday thanks to cracked again
and the fucking huffington post
also this crocheting forum called ravelry
what the fuck thank you guys)
so I have to keep making announcements
first off, do you guys like shirts?
I know sometimes I have problems being clothed
and when those problems happen it is good to have shirts
see i had this idea:
I could make some shirts with the morals of some of the myths on them
like the moral of this one or this one
and maybe you would like those?
let me know,
and also let me know what morals you would like if you would like any

secondly you guys should show up tomorrow
because I am going to start doing a video retelling
of THE BOOK OF EXODUS
because god-like hero Anne “The Man” Murderfist gave me money

SO TODAY’S MYTH
is courtesy of this dude Cavalorn
you don’t know it but he’s basically the reason most of you know about my blog
AND HIS MYTH IS ABOUT A HORSECOCK

So Norway right

there is this family living there
it is a family of truly fucked up individuals
there is a mommy and a daddy
and a boy and a girl
and two slaves
because it is still cool to have slaves in the 14th century
and also a dog
the dog and one of the slaves are not that fucked up but everyone else is
HERE’S WHY
so one day the family’s horse dies
and they are pretty hungry so they are like well let’s eat this
so the slave guy skins it
and he cuts off its meatpole and is about to throw it away
like a normal person would do
EVERYBODY WITH ME SO FAR?
GOOD
so the son goes ahead and STEALS IT
it being the horsecock
WHY WOULD YOU STEAL A HORSECOCK
IT’S NOT PARTICULARLY UNCOMMON OR VALUABLE
IT’S HUGE AND UNWIELDY TO CARRY
AND
IT’S A FUCKING HORSECOCK
apparently the answer is:
so he can harass his female relatives with it
he runs into the house like HEY LADIES
LOOK AT THIS HERE HORSECOCK
I BET YOU WANT TO STUFF THIS IN YOUR VAGINAS
SHIT GUYS I WOULD STUFF IT IN MY VAGINA IF I HAD A VAGINA
BUT I DON’T SO THERE YOU GO
and the slave girl thinks this is funny as shit actually
the sister thinks this is pretty messed up
and the mom thinks this is a GENUINE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE
so she confiscates the horsecock
and she dries it in herbs and shit
and she MAKES IT HER NEW GOD
in fact every day before they go to sleep
she makes the whole family sit around in the circle
and everyone has to hold the horsecock
and recite a verse over it
and because of all these verses
and also because of the POWER OF SATAN
the horsecock grows to an even more unreasonable size
and gains the ability to STAND UP ON ITS OWN
although honestly
a penis having the ability to stand up on its own
is not really cause for alarm
it is really more of a cause for sex
or shame
or both
remember this is a christian myth

so obviously word gets around
that this family has a sweet new dick-shaped diety living in their house
and eventually words gets all the way around
to this dude King Olaf
this super christian monarch who is going around fucking up heathens
and he hears about this shit and he is like WHAT
PEOPLE CAN WORSHIP HORSE BONERS NOW?
UNACCEPTABLE
IF WE ALLOW THIS TO CONTINUE
PEOPLE WILL BE JUST HARVESTING SWATHES UPON SWATHES
OF EQUINE KIELBASA
WE WILL HAVE A SERIOUS HORSEDICK SHORTAGE ALL UP IN THIS LAND
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WITHOUT HORSECOCKS HOW CAN HORSES AIM THEIR PEE
THERE WILL BE HORSE PISS EVERYWHERE
IT WILL BE A DISASTER
this must be stopped

so Olaf gets a couple of his buddies
and they all go over to this family’s house
and they just walk in the front door
and sit down in the living room
and eventually the sister comes in and she is like um hey
who the fuck are you guys
and Olaf is like my name is Grimnir
and his buddies are like oh err
we are ALSO Grimnir
3X CLEVER COMBO
and the chick is like oh ok cool
lemme get my family i think it’s about time to worship the horsecock

so everyone comes in
and they all sit down
to pass this swollen member around
like a game of hot potato
but with less potatoes
more poetry
and also you are holding a horsecock
so basically ADVANCED hot potato
and the game goes a little something like this:

the wife is like BOY DO I LIKE THIS HORSECOCK
and the husband is like I SURE DO NOT LIKE THIS HORSECOCK
and the son is like HAHA THIS IS A PENIS THAT’S STILL FUNNY
and the daughter is like FUCK YOU BRO
and the slave guy is like I WOULD LIKE BREAD BUT INSTEAD I HAVE THIS HORSECOCK
and the slave girl is like OH MAN IF I WAS ALONE WITH THIS HORSECOCK
and Olaf’s dudes are like I’VE BEEN HANDED SOME WEIRD SHIT BUT THIS WINS
and then Olaf is like YEAH I’M PRETTY MUCH JUST GONNA FEED THIS TO THE DOG
BAM
and then the dog eats it

and the wife is like what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck
and Olaf is like what
i thought i was supposed to hand the horsecock to the next member of the family
do you not consider the dog to be part of your family?
RACIST
oh by the way I’m king Olaf and you should convert to christianity
and the wife is like no way
and God shows up like you fucking better or i’ll cut you
and the wife is like CHRISTIANITY HOORAY
and no one has to worship a horsecock ever again

So the moral of the story

is next time you are picking an object to worship
a good question to ask yourself is
would a dog eat this?
if the answer is yes then you need to do some thinking

The end.

Cuchulainn Rapes His Way To Success

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13

So first off i just want to say whats up
to the like nine trillion new people who have showed up to my blog
over the past couple days
thanks to a combination of Neil Gaiman and Cracked.com and some other shit
I will try to make the myth today extra sweet for you guys

oh also ANNOUNCEMENT TIME
so some of you may have noticed all my sweet shirtless videos
where i wear weird hats and yell about epic wars and junk
well I have wanted to do something with them for a while
but now that i probably have more readers i think it’s worth asking
is anyone good at animating stuff?
because i think it would be super sweet if my videos were animated
if you want to animate my videos I will split the glory with you
60/40
WHERE DO YOU EVEN EVER GET DEALS LIKE THAT
Also if I get an animator I will do a video retelling of the book of revelations
even though I usually only do those when people give me money

ANYWAY

So there’s this dude Cuchulainn right

you may remember him as the guy
who tied himself to a rock with his own intestines
rather than STOP MURDERING FOR EVEN A SECOND
well this myth takes place earlier in his life
back when he still had all his intestines in his body
see Cuchulainn wants to bang this chick Emer
so her dad
FORGAL THE WILY
is like shit I should check up on this guy who wants to bang my daughter
so he rolls on over to Cuchulainn’s pad
and hangs out for like ten minutes
to watch Cuchulainn win at EVERYTHING
like this dude is winning at JUMPING
and SWIMMING
and FISTS
and BAKING
and so Forgal is like shiiiiiit
if this guy marries my daughter he might win at SEXING as well
I can’t have that
luckily i’m Forgal the Wily not Forgal the Dumbass
I have a plan
HEY CUCHULAINN
and Cuchulainn is like WHAAAAAAT
and in the process he wins at yelling
and Forgal is like dude you know what you should do
go train with this incredibly deadly warrior maiden named Scathach
she lives on an island surrounded by a whole bunch of shit
that will definitely murder you
and then if that stuff doesn’t murder you probably she will murder you
and Cuchulainn is like PERFECT

so he sets out with his two homies
Laegaire Battle Winner
and Connall the Victorious
except both of them puss out almost immediately
and are like sorry dude gotta go uh
wash our beards
yes
which makes me think that these dudes got their sweet nicknames
by not actually BEING IN ANY FUCKING BATTLES
but Cuchulainn is world champion of not giving a fuck so it’s okay

so the first bullshit he has to deal with
is this bigass field full of razor sharp grass
that can like impale your feet and give you aids
guys this is either some kind of magic
or Cuchulainn is in the alleyway behind my apartment
but it’s ok because apparently instead of feet
Cuchulainn has DENSE CLUSTERS OF IMPENETRABLE MANHOOD
so i’m pretty sure the grass is actually afraid of what would happen
if it even dared to impale him

then he’s gotta go through a field with all these beasts in it
but he just grabs those fuckers
and stuffs them down each others’ throats
basically turning them into a huge turducken of murder
murducken
you’re welcome

BUT THAT IS NOT THE END OF THE STUPID BULLSHIT PARADE
because then there is this bridge
it is the shittiest bridge ever
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BUILD A BRIDGE THAT GOES VERTICAL WHEN YOU TRY TO CROSS IT
THIS SEEMS TO ME TO DEFEAT THE PURPOSE OF BRIDGES
IF YOU HAVE A VERTICAL BRIDGE
THAT’S BASICALLY JUST
A SHITTY LADDER
but anyway Cuchulainn sees this fucking tilty bridge
and he is like no problem i can handle this
but it turns out nope
no he can’t handle this
he tries three times and comes back with thirty one flavors of failure
until finally he is like AAAA FUCK THIS
and SALMON LEAPS ACROSS THE BRIDGE IN A FURIOUS RAGE
I wish I could draw you a picture of this
because it’s basically the best thing ever in my mind

anyway finally he gets to Scathach’s place
and pretty much just threatens her with his sword until she’s like ok ok
i’ll train you
so she trains him and meanwhile he fucks her daughter
then she finishes training him
and is like hey you’re pretty great at warrior
how about you go beat the shit out of this friend of mine
i gave her this sweet spear a while back called the GAE BULGA
it’s basically this super barbed spear that like needlefucks your organs
you should steal it
and Cuchulainn is like HAHAHAHA YOU SAID GAE
but then he goes and beats the shit out of Scathach’s friend Aoife
although honestly
i dunno what kind of friend sics a dude like Cuchulainn on her friends
because after he’s done beating the shit out of Aoife
I guess he doesn’t feel victorious enough
so he rapes her
and then she gets pregnant
and she is like hey Cuchulainn what should we name our oh shit where’d you go
dammit what happened to my gae bulga
CUCHULAINNN

so naturally she is a little pissed off at this dude
so she proceeds to enact the most cockamamy revenge scheme possible
which is she puts a spell on her kid so he can’t say his name
or who his parents are
and then when he’s like 13 or whatever
Aoife is like hey go see your rapedad
so this kid shows up at his rapedad’s place
and Cuchulainn is like who the fuck are you
but the kid can’t say
you know
BECAUSE OF MAGIC
so Cuchulainn is like BITCH I ASKED YOU A QUESTION
and the kid still can’t say shit
and Cuchulainn is like I WILL TEACH YOU TO NOT ANSWER MY QUESTIONS
OR NO YOU KNOW WHAT
ACTUALLY I’LL JUST KILL YOU
so he does
but then it turns out he just killed his son
PRANKED
some scholars believe that Aoife was just really bad at planning revenge
but i prefer to think of this
as a really really late term abortion

so the moral of the story
is sometimes actions have consequences
but that only matters
if you’re not manly enough to KILL THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS

THE END