Monthly Archives: September 2011

Poseidon is a Prankster of Dubious Hilarity

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(Larges and Extra Larges are back in stock
also I will be starting a video myth on monday
OF THE BOOK OF MATTHEW)

I think it says something about ancient greece

that they have one god of sleep
and THREE GODS OF WAR
There’s Eris
the goddess of fucking everything up all the time
Ares
the god of ceaseless stabbing
and Athena
the goddess of hey guys maybe we should stop stabbing for a second and make a plan
maybe it would help us not get stabbed?

today we are going to focus on Athena
of all the unreasonable assholes packed sardine style onto the tip of mount olympus
Athena is both the least unreasonable
and the least asshole
FACT
lemme prove it to you:
despite the fact that she is a goddess of war
Athena doesn’t own any fucking weapons
that would be like being a god of cookery
and not owning any fancy chef hats
PS have you guys seen God of Cookery
it has this scene
where a woman is rolling back and forth pounding a giant steak with her fists
it is worth a look let me tell you

ANYWAY
usually when Athena needs some weapons
she just hits up Zeus and borrows his
Zeus is more of a lover than a fighter anyway
but ONE TIME
during the Trojan War
when Zeus has made it SUPER CLEAR that he is MEGA NEUTRAL
Athena just doesn’t feel right about borrowing his weapons
so she decides to finally get her ass in gear and buy some of her own

to that end
she goes over to Hephaestus’s place and she’s like hey dude
how much for some sweet weapons and armor?
and Hephaestus is like ZERO DOLLARS
I WILL DO IT…
FOR LOVE
and Athena just completely misses the innuendo boat on that one
also the throbbing cripple boner in Hephaestus’s toga
and just says OK SOUNDS GREAT SEE YOU IN A COUPLE HOURS
and Hephaestus gets to work on that armor

so a few ours later Athena comes back
and Hephaestus is like HERE’S YOUR ARMOR
ALSO MY PENIS
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF AIMING IT SQUARELY AT YOUR VAGINA
TRUST ME I’M AN ENGINEER I KNOW ALL ABOUT THESE THINGS
LEVERAGE AND STUFF
and Athena is like EWW SO UNSEXY
and she pushes his penis away
but see what she doesn’t realize
is that pushing on penises tends to get them pretty excited
so she ends up with a big wad of jizz all over her thigh
guys i’m not making this up
this was part of someone’s religion
anyway Athena is super grossed out so she wipes the jizz off her thigh with some wool
and then chucks it to the ground
where it remains so potent that it IMPREGNATES MOTHER EARTH
we’ll get to that in a second

so Athena is like HEPHAESTUS EW WHAT THE FUCK
and Hephaestus is like what?
Poseidon totally told me about how you were on your way over here
hoping someone would have some nonconsensual sex with you
i guess he was trying to prank me
or you
or mother earth
i’m pretty sure he was just chucking a prank grenade into the pantheon
and then laughing hysterically at whoever got dismembered
anyway he told me that and i believed him
because frankly my wife Aphrodite and I haven’t been getting it on lately
pretty sure she’s banging Ares now and I’m so lonely and my leg really hurts and
Athena is like NO TIME FOR THAT
MOTHER EARTH IS YELLING AT ME
and Mother Earth is like Athena why did you throw a bunch of Jizz at me
now i’m pregnant
I resent that
and Athena is like what are you gonna do about it
and mother earth is like well i’m certainly not gonna raise this kid
and Athena is like FINE
I WILL
and then she does
and that kid has a son who builds a city that worships athena
and also invents monogamy and paternity
and replaces blood sacrifice with sissypants rice cake offerings
so basically no one wins

So the moral of the story
is that telling your friends to rape each other is not a prank
it is a disaster
I thought everyone knew this already

THE END.

Here’s Why Hera is Such a Bitch

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Oh gods I’m so sorry

I spent all this time going on about what a huge bitch Hera is
and granted
she IS a huge bitch
but I never even stopped to consider
that there might be a REASON for her excessive bitchery
WELL TODAY I DID SOME RESEARCH AND GUESS WHAT I LEARNED

so Zeus chops off his dad’s balls and throws them in the ocean, right?
that part of the story is pretty well known
also gross
but see the next thing Zeus does after that stunning display of pure class
is go hit up his twin sister Hera
YEP
THAT’S RIGHT
HERA IS TOTALLY ZEUS’S SISTER
bet you didn’t see that coming
oh wait it’s a greek myth
I forgot that EVERYONE IS HAVING INCEST ALL THE TIME

but actually, the incest in this case is not immediate
see Zeus hits up Hera and he’s like yo honeynipples
I heard a rumor that you have some kind of a hole I can put my penis in
so I came to do some fact-checking
ALL NIGHT LONG
and Hera is like Zeus that has got to be the worst pickup line I have ever heard
and I grew up with you, even
because remember
I’M YOUR FUCKING SISTER
and Zeus is like “more like my FUCKING sister, am i right?”
and hera is like ew no

so Zeus has to get crafty
but Zeus is not a very crafty guy
he is the god of lightning, not good ideas
so he decides to stick with his old standby
of turning into adorable animals and then fucking the shit out of people
so he disguises himself as a bedraggled-ass Cuckoo
and airswims all the way up to Hera’s tits and gets busy with the nestling
and Hera is like aw so adorable
lemme just let my guard down real quick
and the Zeus is like BOOM
YALL JUST GOT SEXED
HAHA I PRANK-SEXED YOU SO NOW WE HAVE TO GET MARRIED
and Hera’s like aw dammit bro

so they get married
and first of all their honeymoon lasts for THREE HUNDRED YEARS
that is not a honeymoon
that is a honeyMILLENIUM
i imagine even endless pornstar sex in the bahamas would get old after 300 years
and Zeus is the god of lightning so i doubt he is the greatest at intercourse
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
anyway Hera finally manages to extricate herself from this interminable honeymoon
and proceeds to dedicate one day out of every year
to taking a bath SO INTENSE
that it RESTORES HER VIRGINITY
not just because she is incredibly ashamed of her terrible marriage
but also because she can seemingly become pregnant for ANY REASON AT ALL
one time she touches a flower
BAM
ARES AND ERIS
another time she touches some LETTUCE
BLAZOW
HERE COMES HEBE
another time she doesn’t touch ANYTHING AT ALL
AND STILL MANAGES TO GIVE BIRTH TO HEPHAESTUS
and then Hephaestus finds out about it
and proceeds to CLAMP HIS MOTHER TO A FUCKING MECHANICAL TORTURE CHAIR
UNTIL HE IS SATISFIED THAT SHE IS NOT LYING ABOUT THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF HIS BIRTH
so yeah anyone would be a little bitter after all this shit
not to mention that the period immediately after their 300 year honeymoon
is a period of greek history known as
“The Era Where Zeus Saturated Every Living Thing With His Electric Jizz”
seriously
He fucks Themis and produces the seasons and the fates
he fucks Mnemosene NINE TIMES and produces the muses
his mother gets pissed off and warns him about too much fucking
and Zeus is like GODS HELP ME MOTHER
IF YOU WARN ME ABOUT SEX ONE MORE TIME I WILL TURN INTO A SNAKE AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU
so then that happens
oh yeah also he probably fathered Persephone
woo

so naturally Hera is maybe MORE than a little upset about all this
BUT THAT IS NOT EVEN ALL THE SHIT THAT IS GETTING SERVED UP
IN THIS ELEVEN COURSE GOURMET SHIT DINNER
because see one day Hera and the other gods finally get fed up with Zeus’s dickery
and decide it would be awesome to tie him up while he’s asleep
and hide his lightning bolts
pretty solid plan so far
but so Zeus wakes up like I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU
and the gods are like dude you’re totally tied up
we took the liberty of tying A HUNDRED KNOTS in that rope
now we’re gonna go over here and argue about who gets to be king
don’t escape or anything ok?

so while the gods are arguing Thetis gets really nostalgic for Zeus’s wang
but she can’t really bone him properly because he is all knotted the hell up
and not in a sexy way
Hera made SURE of that
so she goes and gets this dude Briareus
who happens to have EXACTLY ONE HUNDRED HANDS
and he busts into the room
instantly unties the knots using all his hands at once
and then is never heard from again because he exists only for this purpose apparently
and then Zeus is like RRRR HERA FUCK YOU
and he chains her to the fucking sky
with gold shackles around her wrists and ANVILS STAPLED TO HER FEET
and all the gods are like ok zeus we’ll be good we promise
and Zeus is like DAMN RIGHT
NOW WHERE’S MY DAY PLANNER
I THINK I MAY HAVE TO DOUBLE UP ON ADULTERY FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS

so the moral of the story
is think twice before you call someone a bitch
maybe they were stapled to the sky by an adulterous sky-jerk
after three-hundred years of terrible sex
and many more years of violent infidelity and unprovoked pregnancies.
probably not though
probably they are just a huge bitch.

THE END.

Big Ajax is a Huge Crybaby

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I figure it’s time for a greek myth
I’ve been kind of far afield lately and it feels good to come back
plus some creepy stalker bought me like a dozen greek myth books
so i am trying to appease them
whoever they are

OKAY SO THE TROJAN WAR RIGHT
it happens
some dudes kill some other dudes
they flex their muscles and run around a lot
it’s pretty okay
if that’s your thing I guess

BUT TODAY WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE TROJAN WAR
today we are talking about the aftermath of the trojan war
see because after that shit gets done
or at least after Achilles dies
everyone is faced with a very important question:
who the fuck gets to keep Achilles’ armor?
There are two main dudes who lay claim to that shit
there is Big Ajax
who is this guy
who is I guess really big?
and there is Odysseus
the lyin’ cheatin’ adulterin’ motherfucker
who in a few short weeks will go on to wheel a horse full of murder into troy
GUESS WHO WINS
I WILL GIVE YOU A HINT:
HIS NAME IS ODYSSEUS

but it’s not even odysseus’s fault that he wins
see everybody is kind of stumped about how to decide this shit
some people suggest having a secret vote
and some people suggest a murdering contest
and some people suggest just fucking giving Odysseus the armor
because fuck it he’s just gonna take it anyway
but none of those are what actually happen
because this professional wise dude named Nestor has a BETTER IDEA
he’s like hey guys
how about instead of relying on our better judgement
we rely on the better judgement of our ENEMIES
just send someone to listen at the walls outside troy
and hear who the Trojans think should get the armor
and everyone is like uh well okay sure

so someone goes and does that
and they basically overhear some Trojan chicks going OMIGAWD ODYSSEUS IS SO HOT
FUCK AJAX
BUT ACTUALLY
FUCK ODYSSEUS
BUT LIKE IN THE SEXY WAY
OH GOD WE ARE SO CONFUSED IT MUST BE BECAUSE WE WANT TO BONE ODYSSEUS
and the spy goes back to the greeks and he’s like uh
problem solved?

except no
problem NOT solved
because it turns out that Ajax is a TERRIBLE SPORT
see as soon as he finds out about this shit
he goes completely bonkers
and as soon as the sun goes down he just starts running around
chaining sheep together and stabbing the shit out of them
i think he has become convinced that they are Odysseus or something
but anyway he finally gets a little bit of a hold on himself
enough to realize that he is mainly murdering sheep
and that he should probably get the fuck out of here before someone finds out
so he finds his bro Teucer and he’s like hey bro
gonna go kill myself now
that cool?
And Teucer is like what did you say?
oh, uh
sure bro
sure

so Ajax goes and finds a nice picturesque suicide spot
and starts trying to stab himself
but that sword wants NOTHING TO DO WITH STABBING AJAX
it’s like wait a second dude
i know what’s going on here
i’m gonna stab you
and then you’re gonna be like WHAT THE FUCK SWORD
HOW DARE YOU STAB BIG AJAX
and then you’re gonna turn me into a sword pretzel
swords do not make very good pretzels ajax they aren’t even edible
but so instead of murdering Ajax
the sword just turns into a limp-ass noodle
thus further embarassing Ajax
until he figures out that he can still kill himself
by just stuffing the sword into his armpit
real fuckin’ dignified

so then next morning some of Ajax’s other relatives are like hey Teucer
Ajax looked pretty pissed last night
maybe we should confine him to his tent so he doesn’t do anything crazy
like kill a bunch of sheep
or maybe himself
and Teucer is like way ahead of you buddy
he totally already did those things so there’s nothing to worry about
and everyone is like what the fuck Teucer
why you gotta be so useless

and meanwhile, Menelaus is totally refusing to let anyone bury Ajax
because he’s a huge dick apparently
or maybe because he doesn’t want to expend the effort and dirt necessary
to bury Ajax’s huge dick
but either way Odysseus pulls some strings and gets Ajax buried
even if it is in a coffin that says I’M A PANSY WHO COMMITS SUICIDE BLUH BLUH BLUH
and then Odysseus donates Achilles’ armor to Achilles’ son
which they probably should have just done in the first place
side-stepping this fuckscapade entirely

EPILOGUE:
Achilles’s son totally loses the armor in a shipwreck
Teucer comes home and then gets exiled for totally failing to stand up for his bro
IN ANY WAY
and Odysseus goes to Hell and meets Ajax and Ajax is like I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU

so the moral of the story
is always leave a last will and testament
you don’t want a bunch of sweaty muscle dudes murdering all the sheep
just because you forgot to bequeath your fucking bathrobe or something

the end.

Rustum and Sohrab Have Some Family Problems

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Okay so we were talking about Iran

that’s good because apparently a lot of crazy shit goes down in Iran
or at least it used to
back in the good old days where lots of crazy shit went down basically everywhere
but anyway yeah this particular crazy shit takes place in Iran

so there’s this guy in this war
the guy’s name is Sohrab
and the war doesn’t have a name
because at this point in history everything is wars
so Sohrab has a serious case of insomnia
and right around dawn he ends up waking up the commander of his army
(the army of the Tartars, by the way)
and being like Peran-Wisa
this war is great and all
but I am really more interested in locating my absentee father
his name is Rustum and he is a super famous sword dude
could you maybe consider cancelling the war tomorrow
and just challenging the Persians
(those are the dudes they are fighting)
to some single combats with me?
the way I look at it it’s a win-win
see either I win and I get famous and then Rustum hears about how great his son is
OR
I lose and I die
oh wait that actually sounds more like a win-lose
whatever same difference
and Peran-Wisa is like you know this is a really dumb plan right?
you could probably do something less dumb
like put up posters or post on missed connections or something
but oh well I guess I wanted a vacation from this war anyway
sure
go nuts

so a couple hours later
when everybody is all awake and prepared for war
Peran Wisa steps out in front of his army and he’s like yo guys
no war today
war is cancelled
instead we are going to watch Sohrab do something suicidally reckless
HEY PERSIANS
DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANYONE FOR SOHRAB TO BE SUICIDALLY RECKLESS AT
and the Persians
who are just now getting ready to stab their daily quota of Tartans
are like oh titbiscuits
if we say no we’re gonna look like total pussies
but if we say yes then Sohrab is gonna spearfuck a bloody ravine through our champion
OH WAIT
LOOKS LIKE WE’VE GOT THE GREATEST WARRIOR IN THE WORLD ON OUR SIDE
HIS NAME IS RUSTUM AND HE JUST SECRETLY ARRIVED YESTERDAY
HOW COULD WE HAVE FORGOTTEN

so the Persians send a dude to go wake up Rustum
who is just jerkin’ off with his tent
eating gourmet meets and manhandling a falcon
this is what happens when you become a famous war guy
so yeah the messenger is like yo Rustum
there’s a dude out there who wants to fight a dude
do you wanna be that dude?
and Rustum is like no find a different dude
i’m busy jerkin’ it and manhandling this falcon
and the messenger is like oh i’m sorry
there must be a magician in this camp
who saw that I was trying to hit up Rustum the immortal war champion
and bamboozled me into visiting the tent of Rustum the UNBELIEVABLE WUSSNEXUS
boy that magician sure did a number on us didn’t he buddy
well i’ll just be leaving now
and Rustum is like FINE
I’LL DO IT
BUT I’M GONNA DO IT IN DISGUISE
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
and the messenger is like sure dude
whatever tickles your taint

so Rustum puts on some super anonymous armor and he goes out to the battlefield
and Sohrab sees him
and he INSTANTLY recognizes him as Rustum the immortal war dude
and he runs up to him like OH SHIT RUSTUM IS THAT YOU?
and Rustum is like hmm
if I tell him it’s me
he’s probably gonna shit himself with fear and then try and get me to accept gifts
and then boast to all his friends
that only the immortal war dude Rustum had the balls to challenge him
and that he bought me off with gifts
FIGGITY FUCK THAT
so he’s like NO BITCH I AIN’T NO RUSTUM
YOU KNOW WHAT I AM?
THE DUDE WHO IS ABOUT TO STAB YOU IN THE CHEST
and then they proceed to kung fu fight
but with sharp metal objects instead of kung fu

so basically Rustum is super strong
he is so strong he wields a fucking TREE as a club
but Sohrab is super fast
and so he just ends up dodging everything Rustum can throw at him
and getting his sword up against Rustum’s throat and being like alright dude
i think we’ve both made our respective points
yours being that you suck and mine being that I am awesome and i kicked your ass
I don’t really want to fight you that bad though
how about instead we adjourn to my tent and get shitfaced
and Rustum is like BOY
I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR PRANCY-FANCE SISSY-BOY DODGING
WHASSAMATTER TUMBLECUNT?
WORRIED YOU MIGHT BREAK A NAIL?
HOW ABOUT I BREAK YOUR FAAAAAAAAAACE
and Sohrab is like fuck well okay I guess
and then they fight again

but see this time the battle is so intense that even NATURE gets excited
the sky starts shitting thunderbolts
and the river starts having a siezure
and then Rustum’s horse starts screaming
not whinnying, mind you
SCREAMING
and then Rustum gets so pissed off he turns into a pokemon
and just starts yelling RUSTUMMMMMM
and Sohrab is like OH SHIT DID SOMEONE SAY RUSTUM?
HOW DID THEY KNOW THAT THAT IS THE MAGIC WORD THAT MAKES ME DROP MY WEAPONS?
so he does and then Rustum stabs him
and that’s the end of that super dramatic battle

So Sohrab is lying in the dirt
dying
and he’s like my only regret
is that I totally never got to see my dad who I love so much
his name is Rustum maybe you have heard of him
and Rustum is like BULLSHIT
RUSTUM DIDN’T HAVE NO SONS
and Sohrab is like dude
Rustum is a goddamn war SUPERSTAR
you think he didn’t get a little poontang on the side?
I assure you he did my friend
he got poontang on ALL THE SIDES
and I am the result of some of that poontang
although I guess it is possible my mom told Rustum I was a girl
because she was afraid Rustum would train me for wars?
here look I even have Rustum’s name tattooed on my arm
what more proof do you need
and so rustum sees that shit
and he’s like FUUUUUUUUCK
THIS IS SO PREDICTABLY IRONIC
NOW I GOTTA BURY MY SON AND MOURN AND SHIT
and his son is like oh yeah
also
make sure to be double famous to make up for the fact that I’m dead now
and Rustum is like FUUUUUCK
FINE
I mean I’ll try
but I’m already getting poontang on all the sides
it is hard to upgrade from that
and Sohrab is like well you gotta try man
maybe upgrade to 4 dimensional shapes or something
just
tryyyy…
and then he dies
and Rustum lets the whole Tartan army go and doesn’t murder any of them
and then he mourns about his son and it’s awful

so the moral of the story
is you can either have sex indiscriminately
OR kill indiscriminately
doing both is a recipe for dramatic irony

the end

Grandmothers are a Serious Security Risk

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Hey I just ordered up a few more Large and Extra Large shirts
so if you wanted one of those and you were sad they sold out
stop being a pansy

ANYWAY

so there’s this peasant family right
they have this little baby boy
and when he is born he has this big ol’ funky bag of wombskin all over his face
and everyone is like OH MY GOD IT IS AN OMEN OF GREAT LUCK
IT MEANS HE IS GOING TO MARRY THE KING’S DAUGHTER FOR SOME REASON

so obviously the king hears about this shit
and he’s like fuck that
ain’t no funky wombsack kid gonna marry MY daughter
she’s only a baby right now
but they say it’s never too early to start murdering potential suitors

so the king disguises himself and goes to the peasant family
and he’s like yo i heard you got baby
wanna hook a brother up?
and the baby’s parents are like uh no
that’s weird
and the king is like i’ll give you fifty bucks for that baby
and the parents are like WELL HE’S BLESSED WITH GOOD LUCK SO HE’LL BE FINE
and they sell their infant to the king
who immediately turns around and throws the baby in the water

but here’s the problem
before the king puts the baby in the water
he seals him in an AIRTIGHT FUCKING BOX
if you are trying to drown a baby
this is not the way to do it my friends
because then what happens is some miller fishes the box out of the river
like OH SWEET SOME TREASURE
but then nope
it’s a baby
and he’s like aww fuck
i bet my wife is gonna make me keep it, too
so he brings it to his wife and sure enough they get stuck raising the little fucker

CUT TO FOURTEEN YEARS LATER
the king is doing his whole disguise himself and show up at peoples’ houses schtick
and he ends up at the miller’s house
and the king is like that’s a mighty fine looking son you got there
and the miller is like oh well actually we just found this dude in the river
isn’t he great?
why, he’s practically old enough to MARRY THE KING’S DAUGHTER
and the king is like WHAT
fuck that
hey kid can you deliver a letter to the queen for me
nothing important
just a little note reminding her to execute whoever brings her the letter
and the kid is like sure whatever
and he takes the letter
and just starts walking

so it gets late and he ends up at this house
and the old lady in the house is like DUDE GET OUT OF HERE THIEVES LIVE HERE
and the kid is like i ain’t afraid of no ghosts
or thieves either
fuck it i’m just gonna sleep on your couch
so he does
and the thieves come home
and they’re like WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY
and the gramma is like he’s just some kid with a letter for the queen
and the thieves are like LET’S SEE WHAT IT IS
and they end up feeling pretty bad
and just writing a new letter to replace the old one
and instead of saying that the queen should kill the kid
the new letter says that the queen should MARRY HER DAUGHTER to the kid

so in the morning the kid takes the letter and goes to the queen’s place
and he’s like yo i have a letter for your face
and the queen reads it
and WHABAM
marries her daughter to the kid almost instantaneously
she’s like daughter are you cool with this?
and the princess is like whatever he’s pretty hot

so a week or so later the king comes home
to find the kid not dead at all
and in fact MARRIED TO HIS FUCKING DAUGHTER
AS PER PROPHECY
and he’s like holy fuckpuddles
wife can you not read or something?
and the queen is like dude this is the letter you sent me
and the king is like what?
look at this
the seal is broken
this isn’t even my fucking handwriting
woman are you high?
and the queen is like pretty much yeah

but the king is not gonna take this shit sitting down
i mean that is how you take most shits
but not this one apparently
because he goes over to the kid and he’s like yo
you can only stay married to my daughter
if you bring me THREE GOLDEN HAIRS FROM THE DEVIL’S HEAD
HAHAHAHA
and instead of being like “no dude that’s completely unreasonable”
the kid is like sure whatever
i ain’t afraid of no devils
and he just goes and does it

but see on the way to hell
which is apparently walking distance from this castle by the way
the kid ends up at a bunch of fucking cities
the first one has a guard who’s like HEY DUDE WHAT DO YOU KNOW
and the kid is like uh
EVERYTHING
and the guard is like oh yeah?
well we used to have a booze fountain in the middle of the town
and now it doesn’t even shoot out wine coolers
what gives?
and the kid is like i’ll totally tell you
but i’m kind of in a rush to get to hell right now so i’ll get you on the way back k?

so then he gets to the SECOND city
which is not chicago
or an improv group IN chicago
it is a different place
and the guard is like YO DUDE WHAT DO YOU KNOW
(this is apparently a common question in these parts)
and the kid is like uh
EVERYTHING
and the guard is like ok well see we used to have this tree with golden apples
but now it doesn’t even grow regular apples
or leaves actually
it’s pretty much just a gnarly forked dong coming out of the ground
what gives?
and the kid is like i’ll totally tell you when i get back

so then he gets to this river
and the ferryman is like YO DUDE WHAT DO YOU KNOW
and the kid is like EVERYTHING
and the ferryman is like HOW DO I GET A FUCKING VACATION FROM THIS SHITTY BOAT JOB
and the kid is like I’LL TELL YOU LATER DUDE I PROMISE

so finally he gets to hell
and instead of meeting satan straight away
he manages to run into satan’s GRANDMA
and the grandma is like yo kid
you realize that this is hell right?
and the kid is like whatever
i need some devil hair or i ain’t never getting laid
and the grandma is like well as satan’s grandmother i can sympathize
here
let me turn you into an ant and i will totally get those hairs for you
and the kid is like oh also could you ask him to answer these 3 questions i have?
i kind of pretended to have infinite knowledge
and i don’t wanna look like an asshole
even though i really kind of am
and the gramma is like oh sure

so the kid gets turned into an ant
and climbs into gramma’s skirt
and then satan comes home like HEY GRAMMA WHAT’S UP
LEMME FALL ASLEEP IN YOUR LAP REAL QUICK
and so he does
and then the grandma immediately pulls out one of his hairs
and he wakes up like OW WHAT THE FUCK LADY
and the grandma is like oh sorry i had a bad dream
that’s what happens when i have a bad dream
it was about why does the booze fountain in this one city not work?
and satan is like oh well because there’s a toad in it
kill the toad
free booze for everybody
now lemme go back to sleep

so as soon as he’s back asleep
gramma satan pulls ANOTHER hair out his head
and he wakes up like WOMAN WHAT THE FUCK
and gramma is like dude i am just having the worst dreams
this one was about why is that golden appletree in that one city broken?
and satan is like oh cause a mouse is gnawing on it
kill the mouse
no problem
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

so gramma mcasshole waits no more than three seconds
before she pulls out ANOTHER GODDAMN HAIR
and satan wakes up like WOMAN I’M BOUT TO BEAT YOU I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU ARE
and Gramma is like shh honey
i just had another bad dream
why does that ferryman who lives by hear never get any vacations?
and satan is like oh
well he should just pass the pole off on some poor asshole who gets on the boat
PROBLEM SOLVED
boy your dreams sound less like dreams than like very specific questions
and gramma is like SHHH HONEY GO BACK TO SLEEP

so then the grandma turns the kid into a kid again
and gives him the hair
and then he leaves without even thanking her really
and heads home
and on the way he tells the ferryman what’s up
(AFTER waiting for him to boat him across the river)
and he tells the city dudes what’s wrong with their stuff
and in exchange those city dudes give him ASSLOADS OF GOLD
literally
gold loaded onto the backs of multiple asses
see what i did there
it was totally unintentional actually
and then he gets back to the kingdom like hey king i brought you some gold hairs
also GOLD
and the king is like WHAT
GOLD
WHERE
and the kid is like oh you know
on the other side of this river next to hell
you gotta get the ferryman to take you across and then it’s gold city
and the king is like WOOOO GOLDTIMES AHOY
and he gets to the river and he’s like YO FERRYMAN
TIME TO SET SAIL ON THE SS GOLDBOAT AMIRITE
and the ferryman is like sure
and the king gets on the boat
and then the ferryman just fucking gives him the pole and he’s like good luck asshole
i’m off to go never do this again
and then the king ends up being a ferryman forever
because apparently he cannot figure out the simple process
of handing a pole to another human being

so the moral of the story
is satan gives pretty good gardening advice
so next time you plant a tree
try to maybe sacrifice a goat or something

THE END.

Zahhak Has Epaulets Made of Pure Brutality

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7

holy shit you guys are buying a lot of shirts
thanks in large part I think to pajiba.com
(which is apparently a review site whose philosophy i really dig)
and themarysue.com
(which is just all around rad
and the picture of the flexing lady changes costumes when you refresh the page!)
for all you people who bought your shirts from last Monday onwards
you should know that I have a policy of always shipping out shirts once a week
on mondays
because all I have is a bike and very little time
so your hojillion shirts will all go in the mail the day after tomorrow

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT SHIRTS
LET’S TALK ABOUT SOME PURELY RAD UTTER NONSENSE FROM IRAN

that’s right
IRAN
this shit was not even on my radar until this crazycool chick
(who wishes to remain anonymous
and whose name is Thunderchucks “BOOOOOM” Murdertoots)
pointed out to me that there is this religion called Zoroastrianism
which is called that
because it came out of the yelling face of this dude named Zoroaster
it is about how there is this super chill god named after a Japanese car brand
and also this total dick named Ahriman who is all about shitting in his milk
and this religion possesses some of the BEST STORIES EVER
OBSERVE

So there’s this dude Zahhak right
he’s an all around nice dude
until this asshole Ahriman shows up like hey man you know what would be awesome?
killing your dad
and Zahhak is like you know what
I never thought of it that way
and BAM his dad is dead

and GOOD NEWS FOR ZAHHAK
turns out his dad was totally king of something
so now Zahhak gets to be king
this is the problem with kingship guys
your kids are kind of actively rewarded for killing you
but anyway Ahriman is not satisfied with the level of fucked up everything is
so he disguises himself as Anthony Bourdaine and shows up at Zahhak’s place again
and he’s like yo dude let me cook you some GOURMET MEALS
and Zahhak is like AWESOME
HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?
and Ahriman is like oh nothing
just kiss my shoulders a couple times and we’ll be good
and Zahhak is a little weirded out probably
but he’s not about to let this dude’s weird fetish get in the way of GOURMET MEALS
so he does it
and then suddenly
SNAKES GROW OUT OF ZAHHAK’S SHOULDERS
like OH SHIT
looks like Anthony Bourdaine’s shoulders had SNAKE HERPES
haha oh man i can’t believe that’s a sentence I just got to type

so anyway Zahhak is freaking out
like you tend to do when snakes are coming out of your shoulders
but no worries
here comes Ahriman AGAIN
this time disguised as a doctor
and he’s like hm let me take a look at these snakes
oh I’ve seen this before
it’s brain-eating shoulder snakes disorder
you just have to feed the snakes human brains or else they will devour you
not a big deal honestly

so Zahhak starts killing people and feeding their brains to his snakes
because I mean what else is he gonna do
and then he’s like hm
well as long as I am ceaselessly killing people to feed my snakeshoulders
I might as well declare war on the KING OF THE ENTIRE WORLD
yeah apparently they had those back in the day
what did I tell you about kingship guys?
it is a losing proposition

So Zahhak kills Jamshid, king of the world, pretty much without any problems
then he takes Jamshid’s daughters and bones the shit out of them a lot
and everyone is like MAN WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW
I THOUGHT WE LIVED IN A WORLD CREATED BY AN OVERWHELMINGLY BENEVOLENT GOD
WHY IS IT THAT THE KING OF THE WORLD
IS A GUY WHO LITERALLY HAS BRAIN-EATING SNAKES FOR SHOULDERS
but things are about to change
because one night Zahhak has a BAD FUCKING DREAM
and he wakes up and calls some dudes to interpret it
and they’re like oh well that’s simple
dude named Feryadoun is gonna kill your ass real soon
and Zahhak is like FUCK THAT NOT IF I KILL HIM FIRST
but it turns out Feryadoun is just some kid who lives in the mountains
so Zahhak spends all this time and effort trying to find him
and just ends up with a couple fistfuls of mountaindirt and a plate full of sadness

but then one day this blacksmith named Kaveh shows up to Zahhak’s place
and he’s like yo man just wanted to let you know
I had 18 kids but then your snake shoulers ate seventeen of them
and Zahhak is like oh sorry about that bro
look i will totally not braineat your last son
but you gotta sign a form that says I am the most awesome and benevolent dude ever
and Kaveh is like FUCK THAT I AIN’T SIGNING SHIT
HOW ABOUT INSTEAD I GO FIND FERYADOUN AND COME BACK AND KILL YOUR ASS
and Zahhak is like oh shit no don’t do that
but by the time he finishes that sentence Feryadoun has already killed his ass
I dunno how that mountain kid got so competent but he did apparently
and then he frees Jamshid’s two hot daughters and bones them into oblivion

so the moral of the story
is if a doctor ever tells you that the only remedy for your medical condition
is raw human brains
consider a second opinion

THE END

The Hindus Like to Chop Dudes Up

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3

This one has been a long time coming

so back in the days before there was stuff and things
(if you subscribe to Hindu mythology)
there was a dude
just this one dude
as far as the eye could see
it was this one dude all the way down
spanning the entire breadth of the universe
plus like ten extra feet for good measure
his name
is The Dude
but not the dude from the Big Lebowski
this is a significantly Bigger Lebowski we are talking about here
this is a Lebowski as Big as the entirety of creation
he is so big he exists at all times both before and after his birth
and like a quarter of his body is made up of all the animals ever
and the other 3/4 is all the gods
and he actually gives birth to a dude named Virj
who gives birth to HIM
HOLY SHIT WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING

so clearly the gods get tired of trying to conceptualize this universal dude
and they’re like fuck this let’s sacrifice him
so they tie him down and cut him up
and just start flinging pieces of is body EVERYWHERE
and predictably they turn into things
like all the tasty clarified butter they boil off him turns into ANIMALS
even though I thought animals were already a quarter of his body
i guess 1/4 of his body was butter?
fatty
and the gods are pretty much making up ceremonies while they do this
so those kind of get written down and preserved for all eternity
also i gotta hand it to these gods
it takes some serious effort/cojones
to kill and butcher someting that is 75% COMPOSED OF YOU
but anyway yeah
his mouths become priests
and his arms become nobles
and his thighs become the general rabble
and his feet become the slaves
his brain turns into the fucking moon and his eyeballs are the sun
and the sky comes out of his ears and the ground forms under his peasant-feet
and the gods make sure to start a fuckton of fires
because if you’re gonna butcher the universe it might as well also be on fire
and those fires turn into the IDEAL SOCIAL ORDER somehow
no one mentions what happens to The Dude’s dong
or his chest actually
my guess is that some creeper god stole that shit
and built him a pan-galactic realdoll

so the moral of the story
is next time you are getting sexed up
just remember that both you and your honey are made out of the same dude
so basically
everybody is gay

the end.