The Hindus Like to Chop Dudes Up

This one has been a long time coming

so back in the days before there was stuff and things
(if you subscribe to Hindu mythology)
there was a dude
just this one dude
as far as the eye could see
it was this one dude all the way down
spanning the entire breadth of the universe
plus like ten extra feet for good measure
his name
is The Dude
but not the dude from the Big Lebowski
this is a significantly Bigger Lebowski we are talking about here
this is a Lebowski as Big as the entirety of creation
he is so big he exists at all times both before and after his birth
and like a quarter of his body is made up of all the animals ever
and the other 3/4 is all the gods
and he actually gives birth to a dude named Virj
who gives birth to HIM

so clearly the gods get tired of trying to conceptualize this universal dude
and they’re like fuck this let’s sacrifice him
so they tie him down and cut him up
and just start flinging pieces of is body EVERYWHERE
and predictably they turn into things
like all the tasty clarified butter they boil off him turns into ANIMALS
even though I thought animals were already a quarter of his body
i guess 1/4 of his body was butter?
and the gods are pretty much making up ceremonies while they do this
so those kind of get written down and preserved for all eternity
also i gotta hand it to these gods
it takes some serious effort/cojones
to kill and butcher someting that is 75% COMPOSED OF YOU
but anyway yeah
his mouths become priests
and his arms become nobles
and his thighs become the general rabble
and his feet become the slaves
his brain turns into the fucking moon and his eyeballs are the sun
and the sky comes out of his ears and the ground forms under his peasant-feet
and the gods make sure to start a fuckton of fires
because if you’re gonna butcher the universe it might as well also be on fire
and those fires turn into the IDEAL SOCIAL ORDER somehow
no one mentions what happens to The Dude’s dong
or his chest actually
my guess is that some creeper god stole that shit
and built him a pan-galactic realdoll

so the moral of the story
is next time you are getting sexed up
just remember that both you and your honey are made out of the same dude
so basically
everybody is gay

the end.

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