Today’s mega short myth brought to you by a guy who calls himself
Some advice, captain:
NO ONE is immune to bears
that is sort of the entire point of bears
they made a movie about it, even.
Not being immune to bears is something Captain Bearproof has in common with the characters of this story
which has nothing to do with bears
but like I said
NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO BEARS.
Anyway this story is about a tyrant named Dionysis II
who takes over Syracuse
(in Sicily, not in New York)
just so he can party literally all the time.
Big D has a little pal named Damocles
and Damocles is straight up ENCHANTED
by the incessant opulence of Prince Di’s palace
so little D goes to big D and he’s like “Hey man
I love how you party all the time and give literally no shits about anyone else
like that one time when you fucked a rotating carousel of humans
powered by tireless slaves
who you then set on fire
in order to cook bacon you stole from orphans.
I wanna be you.”
who is just on TONS of shrooms right now
is like “OH YOU WANNA BE ME, HUH?
SLAVES, BRING OUT A GOLDEN COUCH FOR DAMOCLES
BRING OUT THE DIAMOND CAVIAR AND THE COCAINE TUREEN
WHEEL THE BLOWJOB MACHINE ON OVER THERE
AND .. hmm, what else?
SUSPEND AN INCREDIBLY SHARP SWORD DIRECTLY OVER HIS HEAD BY A SINGLE HORSE HAIR
MAN I HAVE THE BEST IDEAS.”
so Damocles sits down on this couch for some reason
and he tries to enjoy it, he really does
but the cocaine just makes him more paranoid
and he can barely feel the blowjob machine
and you can’t eat diamond caviar
it’s made of diamonds
no one can chew diamonds
just like NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO BEARS, CAPTAIN BEARPROOF.
LISTEN TO ME
I AM TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE.
Anyway, after like 30 seconds Damocles is like “OKAY, OKAY
I DON’T WANT TO BE ON THE COUCH ANYMORE
THIS SWORD IS SERIOUSLY FREAKING ME OUT.”
and Dionysis is like “Ha HA! Just as I thought!
I hope you have learned a valuable lesson!”
and Damocles is like “What?
That life is fragile?
That for the powerful man, there is always danger?
That you shouldn’t ever sit under swords?”
and Dionysis is like “Well that too I guess
but mostly that you don’t get this rich by not being a huge asshole.
I mean it’s not like there’s a sword hanging over MY head.
The analogy is totally shitty.
I just did that to fuck with you.”
Then he probably kills everyone anyway.
WE INTERRUPT THIS WEBSITE TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN:
AKA Santa Claus
AKA Kris Kringle
AKA Beardo McTreasurepants
Has been sighted on the way to your location.
Where is your location?
He’s on his way EVERYWHERE
ALL AT ONCE
So he can SNEAK INTO YOUR HOME
and leave his stuff in there.
Do not cry, or even pout
his sleigh is equipped with grief-seeking reindeer
in fact, try to avoid experiencing emotions of any kind
this is the safest way to avoid an incident.
Why is he here?
No one knows
what we do know is that he has created a list
which he has pored over EXTENSIVELY.
It is a list of every single living human
and he uses it to pass the sorts of judgements
normally reserved for the old testament god:
that is, whether you have been NAUGHTY
But this jolly red home invader does not need to concoct arbitrary tests of loyalty
or specify a list of commandments
in order to assess your virtue
no, no, no
Santa Claus knows EVERYTHING.
He watches you sleep
he’s there when you wake up
he KNOWS every bad thing you have ever done
so for fuck’s sake
DON’T DO BAD THINGS.
ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU NEED A REASON NOT TO DO BAD THINGS?
Okay, well consider this:
we are talking about a man
who is constantly experiencing every moment
of every life
of every man woman and child on the planet
with special attention paid to their most wretched acts.
You know how police officers and criminal lawyers eventually lose faith in humanity
just because of all the shit they’ve seen?
The shit they’ve seen is like Bob Ross painting a happy little sheep
compared to the atrocities Saint Nick has witnessed
just to decide whether Kim Jong Un is getting any presents this year.
And that’s not the worst of it
Santa is specifically in charge of judging the souls of CHILDREN
if there was a button for children to press
that gave them a piece of candy
but killed a thousand people
there would be no more people.
I never thought I’d say this
What does all this mean?
It means that centuries of watching a montage of unforgiveable acts
has driven this omniscient fat burglar COMPLETELY INSANE
AND NOW HE IS COMING TO YOUR HOME
ALL OF YOUR HOMES
SWEET CHRIST I HOPE YOU LOCKED YOUR CHIMNEY
SO, I REPEAT:
DO NOT CRY
DO NOT EVEN POUT
I’M TELLING YOU WHY:
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING
AND YOU, YOU LITTLE BASTARD
YOU’LL LEAD HIM RIGHT TO US.
So this dude Junaid is walking down the road
he is a Sufi mystic
which basically means he is a practitioner of a crazy souped-up version of islam
that over time became less and less like islam
and more and more like Hinduism
and then got snagged by a bunch of white dudes
(along with basically everything else)
making it sort of like the confused college freshman of religions.
Anyway Junaid is one of these Sufi bros
and because he is a pretty notorious bro
he’s got all these other guys following him
AT ALL TIMES
which honestly sounds like one really great reason not to be a mystic
but Junaid fucking loves it
because they’re all a bunch of big dumb idiots
who will listen to whatever he says
so he’s leading this swarm of noobs down the road
and he sees this dude with a cow
and he’s like “ok guys, gather around this dude and his cow”
and the dude with the cow is like “Oh hey!
I know you! You’re a Sufi mystic!”
and Junaid is like “Damn right man
that’s why I’m the man.
Now check it out, I’m gonna teach y’all some knowledge:
Who is the master in this situation
the cow or the man?”
and everyone is like “The man, obviously”
and the man is like “Damn right I am
I have this cow on a fucking rope
I would not allow a cow to put me on a rope
and even if I had some kind of weird cow fetish
that would make me want that
this cow has no thumbs, so it can’t tie shit
I only buy thumbless cows for this reason.”
So Junaid is like “Okay, okay, that makes sense
but check THIS out:”
and then he pulls out a pair of scissors and cuts the rope
and the cow immediately takes off
because it didn’t wanna be on no rope
and the dude starts chasing it
like “GOD DAMMIT COME BACK HERE YOU SHITTY AMBULATORY MEAT”
and Junaid is like “HA HA! YOU SEE?
IT IS ACTUALLY THE MAN WHO IS INTERESTED IN THE COW
AND THE COW WHO IS TRULY THE MASTER
JUST AS YOU ARE INTERESTED IN YOUR THOUGHTS
AND YOUR THOUGHTS ARE YOUR MASTER
YOU MUST BECOME UNINTERESTED IN YOUR THOUGHTS
AND JUST LET THEM WANDER AWAY
AND THAT IS HOW YOU ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT”
and the dude is like “Okay dude that’s super deep
but I needed that cow and now it’s gone
what the fuck am I supposed to do?”
and Junaid is like “Psh
what do I look like?
So the moral of the story
is never let sages near your livestock.
So there’s this dude Thomas
he’s a poet
which means he has nothing better to do than lie under a tree all day being poor
(why yes I am aware of my chosen career
why do you ask)
this actually works bizarrely well for him
because all of a sudden this GLORIOUS HOT CHICK rolls up
on her INSANELY BELL-COVERED HORSE
seriously this horse has like SIXTY GODDAMN BELLS ON IT
and Thomas is like “holy shit
the Virgin Mary
or Mary Magdalene
one of those Marys
what I’m trying to say is you’re so hot it’s BIBLICAL”
and the chick is like “Thanks but no
I’m actually the elf queen
wanna make out?”
and Thomas is like “Ok”
and the elf queen is like “Cool.”
So they make out and then she’s like “Good job
come with me to Elfland
you will live with me there for seven years
we will probably have sex
like, a lot
it’s sort of implied.”
and Thomas is like “Shit yes
what did I do to deserve this random magic hotness?”
and the elf queen is like “Dude I really have no idea.”
So Tom gets on the jangly horse
and they start riding
and they ride WAY THE HELL OUT THERE until they cross a desert
at which point Tom is like “Damn woman, slow down
I am hungry
it looks like there is some fruit on these trees over here
but the elf queen is like “NOPE.
DON’T EAT THE FRUIT
IT IS FULL OF POISON AND CURSES”
and Tom is like “What?
and she is like “Dude I really have no idea
but what I do have is a loaf of bread and a bottle of wine
let’s get drunk and I will show you the roads to heaven, hell and Elfland
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.”
She literally means she will show him all those roads
the one to heaven is really thin and hard to find
the one to hell is like a superhighway of orgies and nastiness
and the road to elfland is just the road to elfland
so that’s where they go.
Oh except did I say it was just a normal road?
Shit guys, I’m sorry
what I meant was it’s a SEA OF BLOOD
BECAUSE EVERY TIME BLOOD FALLS OUT OF A BODY
IT ENDS UP IN ELFLAND
ELFLAND IS JUST A HUGE BOWL OF BLOOD
SLOSHING AROUND LIKE A SMOOTHIE MADE OF HORROR MOVIES
ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT
THIS IS WHAT THIS WOMAN IS QUEEN OF.
But eventually they make it out of all that blood
and into a field
where there is a tree with fruit on it
and the elf queen is like “Okay remember when I said don’t eat the fruit?
Now you can eat the fruit
this fruit is magic and it will make it so you can never lie.”
and Thomas is like “Why the fuck would I want to eat that fruit
I am a poet
lying is like
my entire thing.”
but the elf queen is just like “Dude
I just led you here
through a literal SEA OF BLOOD
on my MAGIC HORSE
so you could spend SEVEN YEARS PROBABLY HAVING SEX WITH ME.
EAT THE FUCKING APPLE.”
and Thomas is like “Jeeze, okay.”
Then he stays around for seven years
and when he comes back he can’t lie
so his career is over
but he starts a new career as a pretty successful prophet
so that’s cool.
So the moral of the story is don’t talk to strangers
even if they’re really really hot.