Mary Magdalene is the Sexiest Apostle

first off I wanna thank yall
for helping to make one of the most level-headed comment threads
ever to discuss sexism and cultural appropriation on the internet

good on ya

second of all i wanna thank yall
for making my book
ZEUS GRANTS STUPID WISHES
number twenty-two on Amazon’s Folklore and Mythology bestseller list
i would consider it a personal favor
if you guys could keep buying it
until it outranks at least one joseph campbell book

THIRD OF ALL
IT IS SAINT PATRICK’S DAY
AND I HAVE BRIEFLY EMERGED
FROM BENEATH A ROILING SEA OF GREENISH INTOXICANTS
TO TELL TO YOU A MYTH FOR YOU

so last year around this time I told y’all about saint patrick
and it would be pretty lame for me to try and tell the same myth twice
but it’s still saint patrick’s day
and i’m still irish
so I’m going to tell you about a different saint
MARY MOTHER O’ JESUS
wait shit wrong mary
I meant MARY MAGDELENE

so mary starts out life with all the hookups
her dad is basically like maximum rich
and when he dies she gets a whole sweet castle to herself
and her brother Lazarus gets like a good chunk of jerusalem
and her sister Martha gets some other shit
plus
Mary is married to this dude John the Evangelist
except when she marries him he is not an evangelist
she has better taste than that
but then this dude named Jesus comes along and he’s like hey john
ditch your wife and come hang with me
you’ll get to be a saint it will be RADDDDDDD

so John ditches Mary
and Mary is like ok then
it’s motherfuckin’ booze time

yes
for several years following her abrupt nonconsensual divorce
“Mary gave herself to all delights of the body”
which means that for several years
Castle Magdelene was basically the castle from The Rocky Horror Picture Show
except instead of blasting off into space after everyone gets shot with rayguns
it just stays RIGHT THE FUCK ON EARTH
and the party NEVER STOPS
and the whole time
mary’s sister Martha is being a good sister and managing her finances for her
so basically Mary’s life is 100% the ultimate best life

except I guess Mary doesn’t think so
cause she sells all her shit
and goes over to Jesus like hey bro
i have been getting fucked from all of the best possible angles for like 5 years
ever since you took away my lameass husband
but you know what sounds good right about now?
a life of chaste poverty
here
let me prove it to you by crying all over your feet

so she cries all over Jesus’s feet
she motorboats those feat with her tears
then she dries off the feet with her hair
then she feels kind of bad for just having like cried all over a dude’s feet
and then rubbing her hair all over those very same feet
so she tries to salvage the situation by rubbing some scented oils on that shit

and everyone is like what the fuck is going on
why is this slut getting all handsy with the feet of our god
but jesus is like guys
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
can’t you see that this chick is totally smokin’
I spend all day every day hanging out with TWELVE DUDES
while we discuss religion and shit
Apostles I Beseech Thee
Do Not Block Thy Savior’s Cock

cause here’s the thing about jesus
i don’t know if you’ve noticed
but I don’t think jesus was as down on sexytimes as people say
let’s look at facts
FACT: Jesus is a dude who will beat the shit out of you with ropes
if you try and loan some money inside a temple
but will stop a crowd of dudes from throwing rocks at a prostitute
this is because jesus understands
that people have groins as well as souls
and sometimes they need to rub those groins on other groins and that’s okay
THAT MY FRIENDS IS THE REAL GOOD NEWS

so Mary and Jesus bone
like a lot
ahem I’m sorry I mean Jesus ” mbraced her all in his love,
and made her right familiar with him.”
the sex thing is not explicity in the Golden Legend
but it’s totally in the Da Vinci code which is just as good.

anyway they hang out like all the time
and he brings her bro Lazarus back from the dead
(cause oh yeah that dude died)
and she’s the first person Jesus visits when HE comes back from the dead
and then she gets on a boat with some other holy dudes
almost all of whom have names that start with M
and they go to FRANCE

but here’s the problem with france
and it is a problem I have personal experience with:
people can be dicks in france
in fact no one in Marseilles will give this band of prophets a place to sleep
so they end up squatting under a porch that is attached to a temple

this turns out pretty well for them though
cause then when pagans come to worship at the temple
they can jump out from under the porch like SURPRISE GOSPELS
and they convert everyone and it’s awesome
and then this prince is sacrificing to all type of idols
to make his wife get preggo
and Mary busts into the wife’s room in the middle of the night
like BITCH DON’T BE PRAYIN TO NO PAGANS
and the wife tells the prince about that shit
and the prince is like okay fine well then make God impregnate my wife
and SHE DOES
(or maybe she just teaches them how to have sex the right way
she is after all a lady who knows how to sex)
and the prince and the princess are like oh shit
maybe there is something to this christianity business after all
but JUST TO MAKE SURE
let’s go on a long and dangerous boat ride to go hit up Saint Peter

so they get on a boat
and there’s a big storm and the wife dies during childbirth
and it’s only dudes on the ship and none of them have boobs
so they’re like what the fuck this baby is totally gonna starve
and the boat guys are gonna throw the wife overboard
but then they see an island with a mountain
and they’re like okay I guess we can just ditch her up on top of that mountain
along with the baby that’s gonna starve
so they do that and they go see saint peter
and nothing happens there because WHY DID THEY GO SEE SAINT PETER

so on the way back
TWO YEARS LATER
everyone’s pretty bummed
and they decide to stop over at corpse island
and holy shit there’s a kid there
running around on the beach totally not starved
and when he sees all the dudes he freaks out
and goes up on top of the mountain
and starts sucking dead mom tit
okay I’m no pediatrician
but i don’t think two-year-olds are supposed to breastfeed?
and even if they are I don’t think they should do it FROM CORPSES?!
but then the prince is like Hey Mary Magdelene
i like how you made my son not die
could you also do that with my wife?
and Mary is like yeah sure
and then the wife comes back to life
and everyone is christian as fuck forever
because that’s a pretty heavy experience to go through as a family

so after that Mary feels pretty good about her accomplishments
and decides to go starve her ass off in the desert
i don’t know why the fuck christianity is all about this starving your ass off business
when Buddha decides to attain enlightenment he gets to do it under a nice tree
next to a nice river
beset by the nice nice thousand armies of hell or whatever
but anyway Mary is there for a whole mess of years in that desert
even more years than she spent getting laid back in the day
and then some priest comes along and sees her getting carried around by angels and shit
and he goes over to her like yo
and she’s like hey give me some clothes dude
and he’s like aw man no more boob-lookin-at for me
but he gives her some clothes and they go to a church and then she dies

a bunch of other miracles happen too but fuck that shit I’m tired

so the moral of the story
is that you should get all your sex out of the way before joining the cloth
cause then you won’t be as tempted to pee on children
seriously how uncreative do you have to be
to get off on PEEING ON CHILDREN
there are hundreds of real, awesome things you can do with TOTALLY CONSENTING ADULTS
almost all of which are NOT PEE-RELATED
look
all i’m saying is
Mary Magdelene spent like her whole life getting called a slut
and yet she never peed on anybody’s kids
and she had magic powers that let her raise the dead
the roman catholic church has really gone downhill

THE END

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12 thoughts on “Mary Magdalene is the Sexiest Apostle

  1. Kids that age can (and do) breastfeed – it’s less common nowadays because women have jobs and shit, but back in Ye Olde Ancient Times it wasn’t uncommon for a mother to hold off weaning one kid until the next one popped out. Breast milk is, after all, the cheapest food available for your tot.

    Also Da Vinci Code reference and Mary fucking Magdalene, have I told you recently that I love your site?

    • dude, reading comprehension! I am nursing as a type this. Know the difference between me and the woman in the story? I’m not dead! This was a toddler nursing FROM A CORPSE, which is pretty rare.

      I don’t know why it bugged me so much that you missed that, but it did.

      • “Reading comprehension”? Let’s try this, paying close attention to the second line I’m about to quote:

        “okay I’m no pediatrician
        but i don’t think two-year-olds are supposed to breastfeed?
        and even if they are I don’t think they should do it FROM CORPSES?!”

        I don’t know why it bugs me so much that you missed that, but it does. What bugs me even more is knowing that you’ll probably never see THIS, but ah well.

  2. This may be slightly off-topic, but I just received Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes, open up the book at a random page and what do I see?
    Proper punctuation and proper capitalization.

    Man, I don’t know about you, but I feel that that really takes away a bit. Not enough to make me stop enjoying it, of course, but enough to be a bit jarring.

  3. This may or may not be quite the place for this, but since you mention it in the second “paragraph” I figure I have an excuse.

    As of 8:16 PM (EDT) on 18 March 2013, your paperback ranks higher than 4 or 5 Joseph Campbell books (depending on if I’ve counted correctly), and your Kindle ebook also ranks above one of these.
    (Having two of the same book (in different media) in the Top 100 Mythology/Folklore list should probably be an accomplishment too.)

    Huzzah! You (or your audience, whatever) seem(s) to have accomplished your goal!

  4. Jesus and Mary, sittin’ in a tree/
    F-U-C-K- I … can’t do that. I can’t, can I? I want to. But I can’t.
    Damn.

  5. I think you got your Mary Magdalene and Mary of Egypt kinda mixed up at the end, which is the most understandable thing because ancient church leaders did it what with twenty Mary’s to keep track of

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