Monthly Archives: June 2015

Everybody Trusts Robin Hood for Some Reason

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It’s been a long time since I talked about everybody’s favorite green forest burglar
I think the last story I told about him was pretty violent
like unnecessarily so
and the one before that was 80% sex and disguises
but Robin Hood is supposed to be about tricking dudes and stealing shit
he was played by a fox in the Disney movie for christ’s sake
like they brought in an actual live fox to model for that character
they lost three animators trying to put it in a green tunic
it was an incredible waste of money and life.
Anyway here’s a story where Robin does something clever for once.

So Robin Hood and Little John are walking through the forest
(and now you have that song stuck in your head)
when they see this potter driving a cart down the road.
Now, I went and looked up what a potter is, just to make sure
because sometimes ye olde jobbe tittles don’t mean what they seem to mean
like a cooper makes barrels and a cockswain is not a gay porn director
but it turns out a potter is exactly what it sounds like:
a dude who makes pots and then sells the pots.
The reason I bothered to look this up
is that I can think of no reason why a dude who makes pots all day
would be better at fighting than two dudes who FIGHT AND ROB PEOPLE ALL DAY
but this is the world these people live in I guess
because Little John sees the potter and he’s like “OH FUCK
ROBIN
THIS IS THAT POTTER I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT”
and Robin is like “Chill out baby
you mean the Potter you tried to rob
but instead of getting robbed by you he broke three of your ribs?”
and little john is like “Yeah dude, he really fucked me up
just like he’ll fuck you up if you try to rob him”
and Robin’s like “Oh yeah?
I bet you 40 bucks I can get him to give me his money”
and Little John is like “Ok dude but when I win
I am not going to use any of that money to pay your medical bills”

so Robin hood jumps out of the forest in front of the potter like “sup”
and the potter’s like “nm, you?”
and Robin is like “Oh you know, just running this invisible toll booth here
right in the middle of the forest.
Give me 40 bucks and you can pass by.”
Guys, this is how Robin Hood makes his money:
by extorting working class travelers in “his” forest.
If anybody did this today we would be fucking horrified
but somehow this guy gets to skate by because occasionally he robs bad guys.
Obviously the potter refuses
because nothing about Robin Hood says “licensed toll collector”
so Robin Hood is like “awesome” and pulls out his sword
and the potter pulls out a big stick and fucks him with it.

So Robin Hood is lying on the ground bleeding from everywhere
and Little John runs up like “haha pay up cripple”
so Robin Hood pays him
and then the potter is like “dude
that was a real dick move, trying to rob me like that”
and Robin Hood is like “Your violence has convinced me that you are right
let’s be bros
let’s wear each other’s clothes”
and the potter is like “…what?”
and Robin Hood is like “Dude I’m serious
switch clothes with me
I’ll go to Nottingham and pretend to be you
we’re bros now this is what bros do.”
and the shrewd potter is like “Alright
but only if …
you take all my merchandise too
and sell it in town on my behalf”

so that’s what happens.
Robin Hood puts on the potter’s clothes and goes to town
with all the potter’s pots
and he rolls right up to the Sheriff of Nottingham’s house
(played by a fat wolf in the Disney version)
and sets up his stand.
It turns out, to no one’s surprise, that Robin Hood doesn’t know shit about pots
he is selling them for so cheap that everyone thinks he is an idiot
but as my grandpappy used to say:
idiot pots work just as well as non-idiot pots
(my grandpappy had a lot of really specific ceramics-related sayings)
so everybody buys all of the dumb idiot’s stupid pots
ALL BUT FIVE, THAT IS.
Robin Hood has been saving his last five pots
so he can give them away for free
to the wife of his mortal enemy
THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM.

So Robin gets invited to dinner because of his gifts
and because Robin is not dressed like a jolly green asshole
the Sheriff does not recognize him at all
and is instead very thankful for the nice pots.
Meanwhile two of the sheriff’s guys start arguing about who can shoot better
and they start betting each other money
so Robin Hood is like “move over shitbirds” and takes them to arrow school
and the Sheriff is like “HOLY SHIT THAT BOY CAN BOW”
and Robin Hood is like “yeah dude I shoot bows with robin hood all the time
I can take you to meet him if you want”
and the Sheriff is like “I WILL ACCEPT THIS UNCRITICALLY”

Now I’m sure you can guess how this is going to go at this point:
Robin Hood leads the Sheriff to the potter dressed in his clothes
the Sheriff arrests the potter and Robin Hood flips everybody off with both hands
EXCEPT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GUESSED WRONG.
Robin Hood just leads the Sheriff into the forest
has his dudes ambush him
and then takes all his loot and sends him home on a shitty horse
then he gives like half the money he made on heavily discounted pots to the potter
which means the potter basically got paid minimum wage to get drunk with criminals all day
so everybody goes home happy
except the Sheriff of Nottingham
but at least he gets to go home.

So the moral of the story
is if you’re getting mugged
just start taking off all your clothes and offering them to your mugger
it will turn out super well
history has shown this.

The end.

Peter Pan is as Shitty as Every Other Child

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Hello boys and girls

today I am going to tell you a story
about a racist sociopath from your childhood
he is not that special as far as racist sociopaths go
other than HE CAN FLY AND IS IMMORTAL
but yeah anyway
this story doesn’t start with Peter Pan
it starts with this girl named Wendy
and her brothers, Michael and John
they live in boring old London
which we are going to need to get out of ASAP
in order for this story to be any fun.

Luckily, Peter Pan decides to KIDNAP Wendy and her brothers
because he likes going over to her house to listen to bedtime stories
but he hates the commute.
The first time he comes by to hang out
she scares him so hard HIS SHADOW FALLS OFF
because he is a SHODDILY CONSTRUCTED PERSON
but she glues that shit back on
and then he’s like “Awesome, come to Neverland with me
you can be my mom.”
and Wendy is like “Uh”
and he’s like “No it’s okay
look I’m gonna cover you in magic dust and now you can FLY”
[just so you know
so many children thought they could fly after seeing this play
that the fairy dust rule had to be added in as a fucking safety measure
WRITERS: CHILDPROOF YOUR STORIES
CHILDREN ARE DUMBER THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE.]

So by bribing her with performance enhancing drugs
Peter is able to convince Wendy to come back to his place
along with her two bros.
Unfortunately, Peter has already been shacking up with a fairy
a literal magic fairy named Tinkerbell
and Tinkerbell is NOT about to be usurped by some gullible sky-tramp
so when she sees Wendy coming
she rounds up Peter’s crew
(a gang of perfect idiots called the Lost Boyz)
and she’s like “HEY LOOK THERE IN THE SKY
IT’S A BIRD
PETER WANTS YOU TO SHOOT IT”
and boys love to fucking kill shit for no reason i guess
because they shoot wendy and she almost dies
but then they feel bad and make her their mother.

Here’s the problem
WENDY IS A GOD-DAMN CHILD STILL
SHE IS BARELY OLDER THAN ANYONE ELSE
so she starts doing all the things she thinks a mother does
like “give them medicine”
(actually just water in a bowl)
“feed them food”
(actually just pretend to feed them food)
and “force them to take naps.”
(there is no way to fuck this up because naps are amazing)
but her most important job
is to tell them bedtime stories
which she is really good at because her mom knows a ton of them.

But why the fuck do these kids care about bedtime stories?
THEY LIVE WITH A FAIRY, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE
THEY FIGHT PIRATES
THEY KILL PEOPLE LIKE EVERY DAY
nothing Wendy is telling them is more interesting than their actual lives
like one time they go out to the beach
and while they’re hanging out there some pirates show up
with a tied-up indian chick named Tiger Lily
(Tiger Lily is an indian as in native american
not as in actually from india
but it’s weird to call her a native american
because these people are nowhere near america.
The book calls them redskins
which is probably even worse.
They also call them Picaninnys
which i think is a little better
but ultimately what they are
are the products of the imagination of a racist child.)
So Peter is like “OH SHIT PIRATES GOTTA KILL EM”
and then he starts flying around punching pirates
ESPECIALLY a pirate named Captain Hook.

Captain Hook cannot possibly be this guy’s real name
he got ‘Captain’ from being a captain
and ‘Hook’ because he has a hook for a hand
which is like if I called my grandpa “Captain Cane”:
RUDE.
The reason Hook is missing a real hand
is that Peter Pan RIPPED IT OFF AND FED IT TO A CROCODILE.
Maybe you were waiting for the part where Peter was actually a sociopath
because you missed the part where he drugged and kidnapped three kids
well, here it is.
You don’t have to do that to someone’s hand
like, if you chop off someone’s hand
there is absolutely no reason to pick it up
unless you made a big mistake and you want to sew it back on.
Every other reason for picking up a severed hand is a bad reason
pretending to shake the hand? NOT OKAY.
dismembered high five? IN POOR TASTE.
feeding it to a live fucking crocodile
who then develops a taste for the flesh of the hand’s owner
and follows that dude around FOREVER AFTER?
ULTIMATE PARTY FOUL.

So naturally Hook wants to murder Peter
and Peter is such a cocky asshole
he almost pushes Hook off a cliff
but then sticks out his hand to save him
so Hook STABS HIM IN THE HAND
and then leaves him and wendy to die
on a rapidly-submerging rock.
Wendy gets away because there’s a little life raft there or something
but Peter has to die
which he’s totally okay with, because in his words,
“To die will be an awfully big adventure”
PROVING ONCE AGAIN THAT HE HAS NO REAL UNDERSTANDING OF DEATH.
Then a bird sacrifices its children to save him though
so it looks like Peter gets to spend another day
not learning about consequences.

Peter comes back home
and the whole Picaninny tribe is super pleased with him
because Tiger Lily is safe
(PS: the pirates caught her trying to sneak on board and murder them all
by herself
so she’s pretty cool)
so by way of saying thanks
they agree to guard Peter’s underground base
in case the pirates show up.

GUESS WHAT? THE PIRATES SHOW UP.
They show up at the worst possible time:
right when Wendy has told Peter that she’s going back to boring London
and taking all his friends with her.
See, she was actually kinda starting to have a thing for Peter
so she was like “Hey Peter, how do you feel about me”
and he was like “You are like a mom to me”
and she was like “AW FUCK, FRIENDZONED”
and also it turns out she has no idea how to be a mom
and she misses living in a house instead of a dirthole
and she is worried about PIRATES
and all the Lost Boys sort of see her point
because at this point they have been kids for god knows how long
and the whole time they have been killing pirates basically nonstop
so they are seriously warped
they have no idea what normal life is like
and they would like to give it a try.

But right when they’re all about to leave
the pirates jump on the Picaninnies and kill most of them
instead of adhering to what the book calls a time-honored tradition
of waiting until morning and letting the indians ambush them to death.
Then they steal the war-drums
and start beating on them like the Picaninnies won
so Wendy and co are like “Oh I guess it’s safe to go out now”
and then they get kidnapped by pirates
and Peter has no idea
b/c he’s already decided that his friends are disposable and gone to sleep.

When Hook is tying up the prisoners, shit gets even worse
because he discovers that Slightly, one of the lost boys, is fat
(dunno how he got fat when all their meals are imaginary
the book says he drank a lot of water
which makes me think of him as a balloon filled with warm piss)
what this means is that there must be a way into peter’s hole
that is big enough for a fat child/Captain Hook to fit through
so he finds that hole
and sneaks down to murder Peter in his sleep
but for some reason he can’t get through the door
so instead he just poisons peter’s “medicine”
which he refused to take because fuck wendy
and also because IT’S JUST WATER.

Then Captain Hook leaves and Tinkerbell shows up
(she was gone because fuck wendy)
and she’s like “PETER, EVERYONE IS KIDNAPPED”
and Peter is like “DANG”
and Tink is like “ALSO YOUR MEDICINE IS POISONED”
and Peter is like “LOL NO IT’S NOT”
and he starts to drink it
so Tinkerbell has to take one for the team and chug the poison instead
and peter is pretty pissed until she starts dying
but then he’s just sad
except it turns out Tinkerbell can’t die if children believe in faries
and luckily children will believe fucking anything
so she comes back to life with no problems
(this part is way more dramatic in the play.
you can tell he tried to make it work in the book but it’s pretty dumb.)

Once again saved from the consequences of his dumb actions
Peter sneaks onto the Pirate ship by pretending to be the crocodile
frees all the prisoners
kills all the pirates
and then front-kicks Captain Hook into the real crocodile’s mouth
which Hook gets all smug about because it isn’t sporting.
SPORTING?
YOU’RE A PIRATE, BRO
ALSO DEAD.

So Wendy is like “Wow thanks for saving us, Peter
you’re still an asshole though, bye.”
But Peter’s like “I’LL SHOW YOU WHO’S THE ASSHOLE
I’LL RACE YOU HOME AND LOCK YOUR WINDOW
SO YOU’LL THINK YOUR MOM FORGOT ABOUT YOU AND COME BACK AND LIVE WITH…
Oh wow, it’s me. I’m the asshole.”
So Wendy goes home and her mom is very stoked
she is so stoked she agrees to adopt four new children on the spot
and she raises all of them and they all get high-paying adult jobs
and then many years later Peter shows up
and he’s still a kid but Wendy is a grown-up
and Peter is like “AW FUCK WHAT HAPPENED”
and Wendy is like “It’s okay Peter
you can have my daughter”
and Peter’s like “Any port in a storm i guess.”

So he takes Wendy’s daughter until she gets sick of him
and then later she gives him HER daughter
and so on and so on
like the way some tribes sacrifice virgins to volcanoes.

So the moral of the story is lock your fucking windows.

The end.

The Kalevala is SERIOUS ABOUT BEER

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(Today’s mythos was selected by Patreon backers!)

Everybody loves weddings
weddings are great
I used to bartend at weddings
it’s cool because you get to watch people in suits get hammered
but guys
can you imagine going to a wedding
where like thirty percent of the guests
are FUCKING WIZARDS?
I KNOW
IT WOULD BE A TOTAL SHIT SHOW
IT ALMOST ALWAYS IS
I USED TO BARTEND AT WIZARD WEDDINGS
IT’S COOL BECAUSE YOU GET TO WATCH PEOPLE IN SUITS TURN INTO ACTUAL HAMMERS

uh anyway
let me tell you about the one wizard wedding that only ALMOST went terribly
it is the wedding of Ilmarinen and the Maiden of the Rainbow.
Ilmarinen is prolly one of the less shitty wizards in the Kalevala
which isn’t saying much
because as the Finnish like to say,
“With great power
comes the ability to be a huge asshole constantly with no consequences.”
So naturally people are overjoyed when Ilmarinen gets hitched
they are SO OVERJOYED
that they set about causing themselves infrastructure problems
just to throw a bangin’ party.

The first thing they do is they breed this ox.
Now the text says that this ox is not the smallest or the biggest
but it is at least big enough
that it cannot be killed by conventional weapons
it is the godzilla of livestock
it eats all the grass normally reserved for the cows
and probably also accidentally eats some cows
and every time a dude goes out to kill it
that dude quickly ends up inside the nearest bush
shitting himself in mortal terror
until this one dude literally washes up on the sea shore.
According to the text this dude is not the smallest or the biggest
but he is at least small enough
that he can sleep inside a seashell
and another interesting fact about him is that he is mostly made of steel
so he’s basically a combination and man/iron man
which is incredibly sweet
and raises the question
of why tony stark didn’t just build those suits for everybody
like, he clearly has the money
and dozens and dozens of suits lying around
at least make a suit for hawkeye
hawkeye is literally just a normal guy with a suboptimal weapon
he needs all the help he can get
nobody cares about any of those characters besides iron man anyway
if you put them all in suits it might fool people for a second.

WHERE WAS I?
Oh yeah, Ant Man jumps out of the sea and kills the ox with one punch
so meat for the party is covered.
BUT WHAT ABOUT BOOZE?
The hostess for this wedding
(Louhi)
is flipping the hell out trying to answer that very important question.
So she runs around town yelling “HOW I MAKE BOOZE”
until some old dude is like “Oh I’ll tell you
I’ll tell you a really long story
about the first time someone made booze
when she just tried to boil hops and barley
and it was shitty
so she kept scraping off wood from the beer barrels
and giving it to a wizard she knew
and the wizard kept turning it into animals
and the animals kept bringing back leaves and bark and bear spit and acorns
until finally the wizard turned the wood into a bee
and the bee got some honey and the beer turned out great
so yeah the answer is honey
put honey in your beer, problem solved.”

So Louhi is like “Great, thanks dude
you probably could have just skipped to that last hot tip
but i guess it’s hard to fit a practical beer recipe
into trochaic quadrameter
so i should prolly cut you some slack.”
Then she goes and makes the beer
and it’s GREAT

PERHAPS TOO GREAT
this beer is so great that it has developed RUDIMENTARY INTELLIGENCE
the beer is like “HEY LOUHI
GET ME A DOPE-ASS SINGER TO SING ABOUT HOW GREAT I AM”
so Louhi brings in a big bag of fish
but fish can’t sing
so she bring in a child
but fuck children
and then she’s out of ideas
and is totally starting to freak out
when Ilmarinen finally shows up.
Everybody is so excited
they physically rip off the door to make it easier for him to get in
and then his guest room turns into a chromed out bang palace
because that’s why wizards study magic
and then the party gets started
and everybody drinks the great beer
which has remained woefully unsung this whole time
and this dude Wainamoinen is like “HOLY SHIT WAIT
SOMEBODY NEEDS TO SING ABOUT THIS FUCKING BEER
NOT SINGING ABOUT BEER
IS BASICALLY LIKE SAYING THE BEER IS SHITTY
AND THIS BEER HAS EARS, MY FRIENDS
IT WILL FUCK YOU UP
AFTER FUCKING YOU UP.”
but everybody is too chickenshit to sing about the beer
so this one little kid is like “I mean I could -”
and Wainamoinen is like “NO, FUCK YOU KID
SOMEBODY GET THIS KID OUT OF HERE.”
and this old dude is like “well i used to be a singer
but now I -”
and Wainamoinen is like “Okay fine i’ll sing about the beer
jesus you guys, take a music class.”

It turns out Wainamoinen is actually a legendary bard
so i dunno why he was bugging everybody else
could have just sung and not made a fucking scene
but anyway it’s great
everybody agrees its great
and the beer fails to erupt out of their chests like an alien.

The moral of the story
Is that you should only go to karaoke bars
it is the safest way to drink.

The end.