This is the kind of shit i’m talking about

okay so Osiris right
he’s the king of the gods
he thinks he’s hot shit
with his godly appendages up whole vast swathes of blouse
but meanwhile there’s this dick Set
that is his name
Set
I’m not talking about some kind of dick set
like you might purchase for an adult tea party
I am talking about the egyptian god
of the desert
storms
darkness
and chaos
basically if you are not having a good time
set is right there
flipping you off with both hands
while jacking off
with his third hand?
or maybe with a hand he stole
FROM A BABY
what i mean is Set’s a dick

the reason i mention set
is he gets all butthurt over not being king of the gods
and he is like I KNOW
IF I KILL OSIRIS EVERYONE WILL ELECT ME KING FOR SOME REASON
BOOYAH
so he has this great plan
which is he makes this coffin out of wood
which is like tailormade for Osiris basically
and then he calls up all the gods like HEY GUYS COME OVER
I’M HAVING A WEIRD COFFIN PARTY
and all the gods are like oh shit weird coffin party
we’ll be right over
so they all get there and Set is like alright i made this coffin
whoever fits perfectly inside it gets candy

my friends
this is how child molesters work
this is what they do except with vans instead of coffins

anyway all the gods think this sounds like an awesome idea
so they all take turns trying to get into the coffin
and they all fail
but then it’s Osiris’s turn
and Osiris is like i dunno guys this seems like a transparent ruse
and everyone is like come on don’t be a pussy
so osiris gets in the coffin
and then it slams shut and locks
and set lines it with lead and throws it in the Nile river
and everyone is like what the fuck set
what the fuck did you just do
and set is like can i be king now

so naturally Osiris’ wife Isis decides to go find him
so she can at least bury him properly now that he has drowned
and she finds out
that the coffin has floated all the way to Byblos
(which is actually just Lebanon in disguise)
and got absorbed by an oak tree
which got cut down
and used to build a support pillar
in a palace
for the king of Byblos
shit

so Isis shows up in Byblos like sup
is the queen around
and the queen is like whats up
and Isis is like my husband is embedded in your palace
may i please extract him
and the queen is like sure go ahead
it’s not like he’s a major structural support or anything
and isis is like haha sucker
and she goes to the pillar where the coffin is
and she removes it
WITHOUT DAMAGING THE PALACE AT ALL
thus inventing jenga

except then
instead of delicately placing the coffin on top of the palace
Isis takes out Osiris’s body
and drags it back to egypt
and buries it in the desert
so he can finally rest in peace
except i guess she forgets
that set is the GOD OF THE FUCKING DESERT
so he very quickly sniffs out Osiris
and is like hm i haven’t fucked with this guy enough
how about I tear this guy into 14 pieces
and EAT HIS DICK
so that is what he does
and he chucks the other 13 pieces all the fuck everywhere
and then Isis is like what is that noise
it better not be my husband getting ripped
well unless by ripped you mean super muscley
i wouldn’t mind that
except it would be weird if his corpse just suddenly grew pecs
so actually i take that back
i don’t want Osiris to get ripped in any sense of the word

BUT IT IS TOO LATE
IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED
IN THE VIOLENT WAY
NOT THE MUSCLES WAY
and Isis finds out and she is like fuck seriously
better go find all these body parts and bury them again
ignoring the fact that set will prolly just find them again
and rip them into SMALLER pieces
anyway she manages to find all the pieces
(which have turned into full moons by the way)
except for his dick
which like i said
SET ATE
or maybe a fish ate it
the myth is not clear but i prefer to think set did it

so isis is like shit
Osiris’s dick was like
the most important part of his personality
so what she does
is she makes a GOLD COCK
and she hangs it around her neck
and BAM
Osiris is alive again
I guess with a gold funpole?
guys i feel that this has happened somewhere before
anyway then Isis gets pregnant for some reason
and pops out Horus
i guess from wearing that cock around her neck

so ladies
i guess the moral of the story is
don’t wear a cock around your neck
because unwanted pregnancy
is the WORST accessory

The end.