Set Doesn’t Know When to Quit, and Neither Does His Ass

Okay so I told at least part of this story a while ago
and there is a version of that version in my INCREDIBLE FIRST BOOK
but two things have happened since then:

ONE: my shitty friend Andrew won’t stop bothering me to tell it again
because I guess he doesn’t read my archives

TWO: I found a new and better source for this story that is WAY WEIRDER

SO BUCKLE YOUR BUTTS, NINJAS
WE’RE GOING TO EGYPT.

So Horus and Set both want to be king of the gods
everyone pretty much agrees on how this came to pass:
Set chopped up the previous king (Osiris) and ate his dick
his wife (Isis) found all the pieces and resurrected him using a cock of gold
she got pregnant from the gold cock and gave birth to Horus
Set killed Horus with some poison burgers, but death didn’t stick
so now Horus has grown up
and he has a legit claim to the throne
and everything is problems.

The way the Egyptian gods try to solve this should actually seem pretty familiar
what they do is they get together a council
of all the oldest, crankiest, and most conservative gods
and they bicker with each other for decades, failing to solve anything
half of them support Set
because he’s older and he’s got a big dick
and half of them support Horus
because he is THE SON OF THE PREVIOUS KING
AND THE OTHER CANDIDATE HAS TRIED TO MURDER HIM MANY TIMES

Set has a crazy amount of influence though
because like I said, half the gods are in bed with Big Desert
perhaps literally, but I’ll get to that.
Anyway, he manages to get Isis banned from the meeting
effectively hanging a big “NO GIRLS ALLOWED” sign over the door
but she bribes her way onto their secret island
and then she transforms herself into the hottest chick in the universe
and Set’s hot chick radar starts going crazy, so he goes off to stalk her
(Set’s hot chick radar is actually just his boner.)
He’s like “Hey pretty lady, what are you doing here?”
and she’s like “Well see my husband died
and his son was tending all our cows
but then some stranger just busted into our house
beat the shit out of my son
and was like ‘these are my cows now.’”
and Set is like “Wow that’s fucked up
obviously the cows belong to your son.”
and Isis turns back into herself and she’s like “HAHA GOT YOU BITCH
THE ANALOGY IS PERFECT, EAT A DICK
OH WAIT
YOU ALREADY DID”
and Set is like “FUCK YOU I ONLY SAID THAT SHIT BECAUSE YOU WERE HOT”
and then he runs back to the council and tells them everything

so the council is like “well?
are you going to give up your claim to the throne then?”
and Set is like “WHAT? NO
HORUS
TURN INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS WITH ME
WE WILL GO INTO THE WATER AND SEE WHO CAN HOLD HIS BREATH LONGER
WHOEVER STAYS UNDER FOR THREE MONTHS WILL BE KING.”
and everyone is like “O…okay”

So Horus and Set go underwater
and Isis is like “this is bad
Set can hold his breath forever
it’s what makes him so good at oral”
so she makes a harpoon
and she chuck it into the water
but she accidentally hits Horus
and Horus is like “OW MOM WHAT THE FUCK”
and Isis is like “Oh shit sorry”
so she pulls back the harpoon and throws it at Set
and Set is like “OW SIS WHAT THE FUCK”
and Isis is like “Oh yeah you’re my brother huh”
so she pulls the barb out
and Horus is like “Seriously mom?
That dude is never not trying to kill me
why would you spare him?”
and Isis is like “Family values I guess?”
so Horus is like “I’ll show you family values”
and he chops off her head and leaves with it.

So now shit has really gone off the rails
Isis turns herself into a flint statue
(she’s apparently not dead though)
and the whole king thing is put on hold
just to track down Horus and tell him off
but unfortunately Set finds him first, while Horus is sleeping
REMOVES HIS EYEBALLS
and buries them in the sand
where they grow into lotuses for some reason.
Then set goes back to the other gods like “nope, didn’t find Horus
where did he go?
I guess it’s a mystery we will never solve now make me king.”
But Hathor, the chillest of the gods, finds Horus
and she is like “hey
dude,
Open your eye(s) so that I may put this milk in them”
(^^^^actual direct quote from the source
and also the kind of thing that would never get me to open my eyes
unless someone had already taken my eyes out and turned them into lotuses I guess)
anyway Hathor pours milk in Horus’s eyesockets
and i guess makes him new eyes out of mozzarella balls or something

So Horus shows back up at the council
like “hey I’m back
no thanks to Set, who gouged out my eyes.”
and Set is like “Boy this is awkward
hey Horus
why don’t you come over to my house for dinner and a sleepover
it will be an adult slumber party, it will be great.”

So Horus goes over to Set’s house for dinner
and he’s like “Hey I brought some beer if you want it
I hope you don’t try to kill me”
and Set is like “Haha whaaaat?
No way
that was the old Set
the new Set just wants to have sex with you”
and Horus is like “Oh
well that sounds safe”
so they do it in the butt
or at least between Horus’s thighs
but they don’t have a condom and Horus is all about safe sex
so instead of catching Set’s sperm in his butt
he catches it in his hands
and then he goes directly to Isis
and he’s like “Hey mom, Set jizzed on my hands”
and she’s like “EW EW EW WHAT THE FUCK”
and chops his hands off and throws them in a river
which seems like it would be inconvenient for Horus
except he chopped his mom’s head off earlier and she seems fine.

Anyway then Isis is like “Here, take this Viagra
Great, now bust a nut in this jar
okay, now sit tight while I pop over to Set’s garden
and dump this jizz all over his lettuce”
(btw ancient egyptians apparently considered lettuce an aphrodisiac
which actually explains a lot about rabbits)
Set, being a raw food vegan who likes to fuck
chows down on lettuce every night
so he just gobbles up all of Horus’s sperm
and immediately becomes pregnant

the two of them show up at the council the next day
and Set’s like “Okay guys, debate over
I peed in Horus’s butt
and we all know that you can’t be king with another man’s pee in your butt
it’s the law.”
and Horus is like “You did NOT pee in my butt
but I DID spooge in your salad”
and Set is like “Nuh uh”
and Horus is like “Yuh huh”
and Thoth, GOD OF WISDOM, is like “Okay guys there’s a very easy way to solve this
let’s just summon y’all’s sperm and see where it’s at
HEY SET’S SPERM, REPRESENT”
and Set’s sperm is like “We’re in the river, just chilling”
and then Thoth is like “HORUS’S SPERM, WHERE YOU AT?”
and they’re like “We’re in Set’s stomach. It sucks.”
and Thoth is like “Prove it. Come out his ear.”
and they’re like “Seriously?
we are divine sperm
and you want us to ooze out of a guy’s ear?”
and Thoth is like “fine, come out the top of his head”
and they’re like “that’s more like it”
and they spurt out of his head and form a golden halo
which Thoth takes
and proceeds to WEAR
next time you look at a picture of angels
imagine that they’re all wearing jizzcrowns
also
the concept of talking sperm is terrifying to me
i feel like my sperm would have some shit to say
it would be just like that song.
ALSO
some scholars believe that set actually gave birth to Thoth
as a result of these lettuce shenanigans
which would mean that his man-womb would have to be a time machine
like the ones from Primer
powerful enough to send Thoth back to when Horus was a baby
so he could fuck up Set’s plans in the past
which i guess is what babies mostly do anyway.

So yeah, seems like a pretty open and shut case
which is why Set does the reasonable thing
and challenges Horus to a boat race for kingship
which he loses, because he builds his boat out of rocks
but the council is STILL UNDECIDED
so they write a letter to Osiris
who is not dead
and has just been ruling the underworld this whole time
like “who should we make king?”
and Osiris is like “I DON’T KNOW HOW ABOUT MY SON???”
and they’re like “Yeah but”
and Osiris is like “BUT WHAT?
WHAT ARGUMENT COULD YOU POSSIBLY MAKE AT THIS POINT?”
and they’re like “Hm.
I guess when you put it that way
long live Horus.”

The moral of the story
is that if your defeat is assured
you can always filibuster
and if that doesn’t work
you can always fill him, buster
and if that doesn’t work
well
at least you had an orgasm.

The end.

RedditStumbleUponShare

4 thoughts on “Set Doesn’t Know When to Quit, and Neither Does His Ass

  1. Good one!

    I love the source on this… some priceless moments:

    - Bebon (an underworld baboon-god with a perpetual boner) puts such a sick burn on Re that he gets all emo and pouts until Hathor does a pole dance for him.

    - After Horus chops her head off, Isis turns into a statue and Re asks Thoth the (perfectly reasonable) question: “Who is this woman who has no head?”

    Comedy gold.

  2. I think my favorite part in the source material quote is: “Then Neith the Great, the God’s Mother, sent a letter to the Ennead, saying: ‘Award the office of Osiris to his son Horus. Don’t commit such blatant acts of inequity which are illegal, or I shall become so furious that the sky will touch the ground.’”

    AND YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO SIT FOR A WEEK! KIDS THESE DAYS!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>