Alright guys
i hate to do this to you
but today is the day I ruin your childhood
(again)
by telling you the true story behind the objectively hottest disney princess
that’s right
i’m talking about princess jasmine
wait shit
Pocahontas
Gaston?
let’s start over

so the ocean is a piece of wet, salty shit
hogging all this awesome surface area we could be using to build me castles or fight wars
and down in the very deepest part of the ocean
lives the king of the ocean
and also his posse of hot underaged daughters
and these fish-women are eager as nubile young beavers to go up and see the surface
you know why?
because they live in the DEEPEST FUCKING PART OF THE OCEAN
living there is like having an army of munchkins in stiletto heels stomping your ENTIRE BODY AT ALL TIMES
I would give my entire left nut to get out of an environment like that
if an environment like that would not immediately reduce my left nut to a cloud of very sexy, very distributed atoms.

but here’s the problem
these high-pressure honies aren’t allowed on the surface until their fifteenth birthdays
like a weird, deep-sea rumspringa
or a quincianera with the bends
luckily our story begins right as the oldest of the sisters is about to turn 15
so we don’t have to wait around forever for shit to get started
but we still have to wait a little while
because just like every other one of these fucking stories
this one is about the youngest daughter

so finally the little mermaid (get it, because she’s the youngest)
gets her chance
she shoots up to the surface at sunset
and right into the middle of a open-water techno rave in honor of a local prince’s birthday
so she’s like oh shit what is this
and the prince is like HAHAHAHAHA I’M HIGH AS BALLS
and everyone else is like OH SHIT STORMS ARE HAPPENING
and the boat sinks
and the prince can’t swim
weighed down as he is with an entire goddamn pharmacy in his blood system
so the mermaid is like oh sweet
looks like a hot prince is coming down to join me in the marianas trench!
but then she remembers humans can’t live underwater
because yes, that’s something she has to CONSTANTLY REMIND HERSELF OF
(this is an example of a literary device known as foreshadowing
what’s being foreshadowed right now
is how fucking dumb this mermaid is)
so she saves him
and drags him to an island
where she drops him on shore
and gets to watch him get woken up by and fall instantly in love with some other chick
who (to add improbable insult to injury)
looks PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY LIKE HER
(except without a fish tail
important plot point)

so the little mermaid
(by the way I’m not just calling her that to be obstinate
our good pal HCA didn’t see fit to give her a name
Ariel had to wait for a racist psychopath-cum-cartoon mogul to come along
before she got her due)
she goes down to the depths again
and she’s like shit, I gotta get with this prince
not just because he’s hot
but also because he’s got soul
literally
see, mermaids don’t have souls
so when they die (after living 300 years)
they just fizzle out and turn into sea foam
meanwhile humans get to go to heaven or whatever
all because they’re fortunate enough to have legs

yes, legs
that’s what it’s all about
but luckily there’s a loophole:
if Ariel (fuck it, I’m just gonna call her that) gets the prince to marry her
plus also love her more than his mom or dad
the prince’s soul will undergo some kind of celestial mitosis
and she’ll get to keep the extra
YOU HEAR THAT, IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG GIRLS?
NO SOUL UNLESS MARRIAGE
NOW MAKE ME A FUCKING SANDWICH, YOU SEA CREATURE

so Ariel does the only reasonable thing
which is to go hit up the SEA WITCH for help
and the sea witch is like alright you dumb sea-centaur
trying to marry this prince is basically like the dumbest idea of all time
but ours is not to reason why
ours is to concoct super-invasive pharmaceuticals to alter your genome in horrifying ways
So she whips up a hot steaming cup of make-legs-come-out juice
and she’s like here you go, kid
and all I want in exchange is your tongue
WHAT A DEAL, RIGHT?
I mean, I dunno what I’m gonna do with it or anything
I just basically don’t want you to be able to use your voice to charm the prince
you know what, it’ll probably work in your favor
dudes in this era don’t like it when women talk anyway
anyway, have fun!

oh but there’s one other thing about the potion
which is that it makes Ariel grow legs, sure
beautiful legs, with feet that would make Quentin Tarantino come blood
but any time she uses those feet to walk
it feels like she is being stabbed by infinite razor-sharp knives
why?
JUST CAUSE
JUST CAUSE HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN IS A SICK ASSHOLE, THAT IS
A SICK ASSHOLE WHO IS USING HIS CHILDREN’S FICTION
AS A MACABRE FUCKING SOUNDING BOARD FOR HIS PUBESCENT FOOT-TORTURE FANTASY

but even though Ariel is getting a deal rawer than good sushi
she’s still down to drink that shit
so she swims up to the prince’s beachside mansion (which she found by stalking)
and she drinks that shit
and then collapses from the HORRIFYING PAIN IN HER LEGS
and then the prince finds her
and she can’t say shit
but she can dance like an eight-legged ballerina
so he keeps her around for entertainment

they hang out like all the time
they go HIKING
(OW)
and DANCING
(OWWW)
and HORSE-BACK RIDING
(well that’s a nice change of pace)
and HIKING AGAIN
(FFFFFFFFFFFFF)
and the whole time, Ariel is basically eye-fucking the shit out of him
but he’s having none of it
because his one true love
is that chick who “rescued him” by finding him on the beach all those years ago
(who Ariel looks exactly like for some reason)
but luckily for Ariel
the prince is pretty sure that other chick was a nun or something
and while nuns are great for naughty fantasies
they are notoriously hard to marry
because a marriage to god is an open marriage
but polygamy is not okay for some reason
this is kind of a sore subject for me if you couldn’t tell

except GUESS WHAT
it turns out that chick was just PRETENDING to be a nun
while going to school to become a HOT PRINCESS
who the prince is scheduled to marry anyway, because that’s how royal marriages work
and he’s like aw man, Ariel
(he doesn’t know her name, but what the fuck else do you want me to have him call her)
I’m so glad you’re my best friend and stuff
I know that if you could speak you would definitely tell me how happy you are for me
and definitely not yell FUCK over and over again at top volume

I mean I dunno how Ariel could have seen this going differently
what we’ve got here is a woman who is literally EXACTLY AS HOT AS HER
but can also speak
and doesn’t have a weird nerve disease in her feet
it’s an objectively better choice
as long as you’re comfortable treating women as objects
which everyone TOTALLY IS, so it’s cool
but that doesn’t stop Ariel from using her fucked up feet
to bust some SERIOUS MOVES at the wedding party
because, aw, shit, i forgot to say
if the prince marries someone else, she immediately turns into sea foam
fuck, that was an important plot point. I should’ve said.
oh well

so she’s kinda glum
but luckily the party is on a boat
which means her sisters can show up
and they’re all bald and they’re like HEY SIS
WE TRADED OUR HAIR TO THE WITCH FOR THIS SWEET KNIFE
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS STAB THE PRINCE WITH IT, AND YOU GET TO BE A MERMAID AGAIN
PRETTY SWEET, RIGHT?
and she’s like

because she still can’t talk

but it turns out stabbing isn’t her thing
she throws the knife into the water instead
followed soon after by her sad body
but then Hans Christian Andersen suddenly feels bad about what a dick he’s being
and makes some air spirits show up and turn her into one of them
and the story ends with this fucked up semi-moral
about how daughters of the air get to live out 300 years of purgatory
at the end of which time they are granted souls and sent to heaven
with time off for good behavior
not their own good behavior, mind you
but the good behavior of children
also bad children add time to their sentences
so uh
the moral of the story is be good not evil?

no no no FUCK THAT
the moral of the story
as is plain to anyone without a cornucopia of dicks in his/her ears
is that if you ever find yourself in a situation like this
get yourself a fucking wheelchair
your feet won’t hurt
and you might even score some pity-points

the end.