This Tin Soldier is Too Steadfast

Okay so I’ve had problems with Hans Christian Andersen in the past
namely that he is a huge sadist
and has problematic opinions about beauty.
but this story right here
this is him not even trying to not be an asshole
it involves a tin soldier
a paper princess
and a whole family size tub of fuck you

so this kid gets some soldiers for his birthday
these soldiers are made out of tin because this is the fucking stone age
and they’re not even made out of enough tin
because one of them only has one leg
and this is the dude our story is about
BECAUSE HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN HATES HIS CHARACTERS

so this soldier gets out of his box
and he sees this paper castle
and in this paper castle there is a ballerina
and because she is a paper doll and not a real person
she is constantly standing on one leg forever
and the soldier can’t see her other leg
so he’s like HOLY SHIT
SHE’S CRIPPLED LIKE ME
OBVIOUSLY WE ARE SOUL MATES
BUT WAIT
I’M POOR
FUCK
BETTER JUST STARE AT HER ALL NIGHT INSTEAD OF MAKING A MOVE
so he does

then at midnight this goblin shows up like
FUCK YOU STOP LOOKING AT MY WOMAN
and the tin soldier says nothing
because remember
HE’S A TIN FUCKING SOLDIER
if you read this story carefully
you will notice that he does literally nothing the entire time
(it’s because he’s not alive)

so then the next morning the boy who owns him puts him in the window
and he falls out because he only has one leg
and no one can find him because they’re all blind assholes
until it starts raining and some street kids show up
and they prove that they deserve to be orphans
by putting this helpless soldier in a paper boat
and sending him on a one-way trip to drown town
aka the gutter
where he gets chased by a rat and then eaten by a fish
and then someone kills the fish
and someone else cuts it open
and they’re like HOLY SHIT IT’S A TIN SOLDIER
WE NEED TO STOP FEEDING OUR FISH SHIT LIKE THIS
SERIOUSLY
POLLUTION IS A PROBLEM
THOSE GUTTERS DRAIN TO THE OCEAN YOU GUYS
STOP THROWING TOYS IN, YOU SHITTY CHILDREN

but then guess what
THE SOLDIER ENDS UP RIGHT BACK IN THE SAME HOUSE HE FELL OUT OF
and the party is still going on
because these kids party hard
they party REALLY HARD
they party SO HARD
that one kid grabs the tin soldier
and chucks him in the fucking FIRE
and he MELTS
and then a breeze catches the little paper dancer princess
and blows her into the fucking fire too
and FWOOM
LOVE IS DEAD.
Later the fire goes out and the soldier has melted into a tin heart
the maid scoops it up and throws it in the trash.

WOW
REALLY?
So basically what you did, Hans Christian Andersen
is you gave feelings to an inanimate tin soldier
just so you could drag him through a sewer
and then set him on fire
and have it be a bad experience for him
GUYS
IS THERE A NOBEL PRIZE FOR BEING A BIG OL JERK?
BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE WE JUST FOUND OUR WINNER
FOR EVERY YEAR
FOREVER

Oh, you want a moral?
Fine
the moral is don’t fall in love if your legs don’t work
you’ll end up in a fire because children suck
you know what
don’t fall in love even if your legs do work
working legs don’t make you immune to fire
just hate everyone you meet
and stay away from fires.

ugh god
this is terrible
i’m going to bed.

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5 thoughts on “This Tin Soldier is Too Steadfast

  1. Did you know that H.C. Anderson supposedly inspired Dicken’s Uriah Heep? I mean, sure, Dickens was a dick in his own right, but somehow I feel like siding with him on this one. (And that, boys and girls, is why we have to learn how to be a bit more discreet about our self-loathing.)

  2. The Disney version (in Fantasia 2000) ends with the goblin burning up in the fire, which seems somehow unfortunate as he looks like a rather impressive work of artistry, even though he’s rather more dickish than in the original story.

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