So someone told me to do this Indonesian myth
and I figured after all that tolkien and videogame shit
y’all could use some culture
so sit and listen
as I tell you the tale
OF THE DUMBEST EVIL SISTER EVER

So there’s this king named Prabu Tapak Agung
and that’s the last time i’m ever typing that name
because now he’s dead
and he made one of his daughters president
but here’s the problem
he made his YOUNGEST daughter president
(her name is Purba Sari)
and her big sister Purba Rarang is like AW HELL NAW
so she runs to her hot evil fiancee Indrajaya
like WAAA WHAT DO I DO
and he’s like don’t even worry
this is why we have witches
and Purba Rarang is like oh yeah

so she finds a witch to give Purba Sari a skin disease
and then runs around the kingdom like EVERYBODY LOOK
PURBA SARI IS UGLY NOW AND IT MEANS SHE DID A SIN
LET’S EXILE HER!!!!1111!!11

God dammit, Purba Rarang
how do you expect that awful fucking lie to work?
I mean you live in a world where magic exists and God is real and stuff
but you know what else causes horrible skin diseases besides God?
FUCKING WITCHES
WHY IS ANYONE GOING TO BELIEVE YOU WHEN YOU SAY GOD DID IT?
THAT’S NOT EVEN GOD’S STYLE
HE’D PROBABLY GIVE HER TEN DIFFERENT PLAGUES UNTIL SHE DIED
AND THEN RAISE HER FROM THE DEAD BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T GET ENOUGH PLAGUES YET

but wow
everyone else in this story is even stupider than Purba Rarang
so Purba Sari DOES get exiled
to a little cottage that the military builds for her in the forest
and she chills out there for several years
until a monkey called Lutung Kasarung brings her some magic water
that makes her skin disease go away
(he found it by meditating
he’s a pretty rad monkey)

so now that she’s not ugly
there’s no reason for Purba Sari to be exiled
so she goes back to the kingdom like sup
and her sister is like WHAT WHAT WHAT IS THIS
WHY AREN’T YOU UGLY
GO AWAY
and Purba Sari is like NUP
and Purba Rarang is like OK
I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL:
WHOEVER’S HAIR IS LONGEST WINS
READY, SET, MEASURE HAIR

WHAT
dude, your sister has been living in the woods for YEARS
FAR FAR AWAY from any type of hair-cuttery
she is DEFINITELY going to win
and guess what
SHE TOTALLY DOES
and Purba Rarang is like uhh
uhh
ok new duel
whoever’s fiancee is the hottest wins
ready, set, HOT FIANCEES

so Purba Rarang is pretty set in this contest
because Indrajaya is pretty hot
plus Purba Sari doesn’t even HAVE a fiancee
but Purba Sari must not have a very high opinion of Indrajaya’s looks
or herself
because she immediately appoints Lutung Kasarung as her fiancee
YES
THE MONKEY

and Purba Rarang is like seriously?
You are going to lose to me
AND marry a monkey in the process?
Holy shit, you suck
but then Lutung Kasarung tells her to go fuck herself
by straight up TURNING INTO A HOT DUDE
WAY HOTTER THAN INDRAJAYA
and Indrajaya gets all embarrassed and runs off
and Purba Rarang is like dang
I guess you’re better than me
go ahead and be queen now, see if I care.

BUT WHY WAS THERE A HOT DUDE IN THAT MONKEY?
I’ll tell you why
Lutung Kasarung was actually a prince
who got turned into a monkey by the gods for being a dick
and at the crucial moment
when he became Purba Sari’s fiancee
he prayed to the gods like Ok guys
I know I have done some bad stuff
like murder and larceny or whatever
but this chick is totally smokin hot
(now that her skin disease is cleared up)
please don’t block my cock
AND THE GODS HEARD HIS PRAYERS

So the moral of the story
is fuck justice
get bitches.

The end.