So there’s this chick Aegwyn
you can tell she’s an elf because of all the unnecessary vowels
especially the Y
the W is also a helpful clue
basically every letter in her name is an elf letter
except actually she’s not an elf
what the fuck.
What she IS though
is an immortal guardian of the land of Azeroth
super magical and like a thousand years old
who wanders all over the place
just telling evil to go fuck itself
the only rule is that SHE CAN’T INTERFERE WITH HUMANS AT ALL
so obviously that’s exactly what she does
BECAUSE SHE’S PRETTY HORNY, YOU GUYS
you try foregoing any and all sexy times for ten centuries
these are problems you are never going to understand.
So Aegwyn is like OH UH OH WHOOPS
I GUESS IT’S TIME FOR ME TO PASS ON MY INSANE MAGICAL POWERS TO MY SON
WHERE AM I GOING TO GET A SON THOUGH
OH SHIT THAT’S RIGHT
so she finds this sorcerer named Neilas Aran
who is extremely well endowed
with magical ability
and she is like hey okay I need you to help me make a baby
he will be magical as fuck
and be in charge of literally everything for as long as he wants to be
and Aran is like ok ok sure but
can we continue to talk about this AFTER you are naked
so Aegwyn gets pregnant
and wanders around for a while
fighting demons and imprisoning them and stuff
until she has a baby
at which point she brings it back to Nielas like hey here’s your baby
and Aran is like wtf I’m not ready to be a father
and Aegwyn is like tough tits I’m a wizard I do what I want
Soooooooooo all Aegwyn’s powers are in her baby now
but babies are stupid assholes
so Aegwyn wisely puts a time-delay lock on all that magic
until the baby reaches the ripe old age
if there is any age where a person is more of a stupid asshole than when they are a baby
it is fourteen
fourteen is an age where a person will literally do anything they have the ability to do.
for most kids this involves fireworks and a bottle of everclear and maybe trying to walk to Mexico
for Medivh this apparently involves ABSOLUTELY ANY THING HE CAN IMAGINE
which is why when he hits the appointed age
his mind just implodes with all that possibility
and he goes into a coma
FOR THE NEXT SEVEN YEARS
the real reason for this
is remember how Aegwyn was fighting demons and shit earlier?
Well one of them
got inside her in the least sexy way
and burrowed all up inside her baby
and when the time release on all that magic activated
he was like OH SHIT
TIME TO PARTY
so Aegwyn is obviously a little concerned
but not concerned enough to like
actually do anything about it
so she dicks around in the forest for a few years
until Medivh wakes up
and starts inventing new types of problems
and then causing them using his magic.
Basically what he does is he logs into the Twisting Nether
(which is the Warcraft universe’s equivalent of the internet)
and he just starts cruising through shady chatrooms
looking for impressionable young warlocks to catfish.
And pretty soon he finds one
this Orc named Gul’Dan
who lives way over in another world called Draenor
which is a really shitty world
primarily because the orcs have already killed anything that might make it not shitty
and now they’re bored.
So Medivh is like DUDE, Gul’Dan
do you want to party?
I have a world here with tons of murderable people in it
and my mom totally lets me do whatever I want here
you should totally come over
and Gul’Dan is like I dunno
why travel all the way over to your place
when we can always murder our own guys right here?
and Medivh is like DUDE
My mom has this WICKED demon locked up here
he’s called Sargeras and he will totally grant you wishes and shit
my mom won’t let me in but I’m pretty sure we can pick the lock.
and Gul’Dan is like HELL YEAH
LITERALLY HELL YEAH
HOW DO I GET THERE?
and Medivh is like Oh we have this great public transit system
it’s called ripping a hole in reality itself
all you gotta do for me
is promise to murder all the guys in this kingdom I want to be king of
so I can … be king of their corpses
(this gives Gul’Dan a great idea for later)
so Medivh rips open a hole for Gul’Dan in the middle of Azeroth’s shittiest swamp
which is kind of a dick move but I guess he figures the orcs won’t mind
and the orcs all come charging through
and all the humans are like What the fuck Medivh
MAJOR party foul.
And then they stab him for being a dick
and Gul’Dan is like NOOOOOOOOOO
YOU GOTTA TELL ME WHERE THAT TOMB IS
and Medivh is like I would love to buddy
but I’m dead
I don’t even know how I’m saying this
you probably shouldn’t be listening to my thoughts right now
that’s really gonna mess you up
And it does!
Gul’Dan goes into a coma for like a week
and when he wakes up
he discovers that the rest of the orcs are just like Fuck Warlocks
and he’s like fine
I’ll just raise an army of the dead for the new warchief
and go find this sweet demon tomb MYSELF
and when I find it I’m not gonna share it with ANYBODY.
And that goes super well for him
and like the entire sentient population of the multiverse.
So the moral of the story
is don’t give limitless magical power to babies
this is basic stuff you guys.
I literally love you for this.
Funny how this is not even remotely as fucked up as “actual” mythology. Well done, sir Ovid!
Not really sure I care for WoW… I mean, you do a pretty good job of making it seem interesting… but it simply isn’t, it’s a madcap puppet theater with fucking sentient Pandas and shit.
The worst thing is, they ruin the potential of sentient pandas.
That’s a single expansion that even Blizzard confessed was a mighty fuck-up. Don’t look at WoW so one-dimensionally; it’s more than just bipedal, sapient (all living things are sentient) pandas. You may not have vanilla areas anymore, but there’s still the wonder of wandering through outland and Northrend, and Draenor when Warlords is released. Mists of Pandaria is just a single, admittedly terrible expansion to a game that’s going onto its fifth.
This was awesome, and I love that elaborate video game lore sounds just as crazy and hilarious as anything from the Bible or the Ramayana the way you tell it.
Moar! There’s stuff to talk about from the Warcraft games, like, 1-3, those had some THICK lore in ’em. Then again, might be too much. Video format maybe?