When I told the tale of Turin
y’all informed me I was trippin
cause the story Tolkein ripped off
for his store-brand tragic hero
is the god damn Kalevala
and it’s way way way way better
and I have to yell it at you
so, uh, hold on to your faces
while I talk about Kullervo:

Back in old and violent Finland
there’s a farmer named Kalervo
(no relation to Kullervo
other than that he’s his grand-dad?)
and this other dude Untamo
really hates him some Kalervo
cause Kalervo steals his fish
and Untamo hates to share fish
so Untamo kills Kalervo
also all Kalervo’s people
other than his sexy daughter
who is pregnant with Kullervo

Now, Kullervo is a wizard
and he doesn’t have a father
cause he’s Finnish super-jesus
only way more of a dickhead
like they put him in a cradle
which he blows up with his magic
so they’re like “oh shit, a wizard”
and they put him in a basket
put the basket in the river
all like “Welp, it worked on moses”
BUT IT DOESN’T WORK ON THIS DUDE
he just gets out of the basket
so they come back to the river
all like “Wow, we’d better burn him”
so they set his ass on fire
but his ass is like asbestos
so they put out all the fire
all like “dang, let’s crucify him”
But Kullervo’s super-jesus
so it doesn’t even matter.

So Untamo’s freaking out now
(he’s who wants to kill Kullervo)
like “I can’t seem to destroy him
better give him some employment”
so he has him watch a baby
but Kullervo kills the baby
then he has him chop some firewood
but Kullervo kills the forest
then he wants a fence for livestock
but Kullervo makes too much fence
so he has him thresh some wheat
which Kullervo fucking ruins

Finally, Untamo’s fed up
he’s like “Boy, you’re fucking useless
gonna sell you to a blacksmith
cause it’s hard to murder iron.”
and Kullervo’s like “Just watch me”
and Untamo’s like “Not gonna
kinda why I’m gonna sell you:
never wanna see you ever.”

Now you know about Kullervo
or at least his early childhood
trust me, shit gets so much weirder
(I will yell about it later)

in the meantime, here’s the moral:
if you find that you are pregnant
but you’re also still a virgin
go a head and kill the baby
cause it’s probably an asshole
also childbirth is way painful.

The end. (until next weekend)