Mountains are Jerks

So when last we left Kullervo
he had killed his shitty hostess
at the house that he was sent to

by his shitty foster parents
who were terrified of wizards.

Now he’s walking through the forest
and he’s feeling kind of lonely

no you know what, fuck this meter.

Kullervo’s like “Boo hoo, I have no friends.”
YEAH GUESS WHAT, FUCKBELL
YOU KILL EVERYONE YOU MEET
THAT’S A VERY BAD WAY TO MAKE FRIENDS.
But then this chick rolls up like “Hey boy why you cryin?”
and Kullervo is like “Uh … uh … for MANLY reasons
like, my foster dad Untamo killed my real parents
and now I’m going to kill HIM!!!”
and the lady is like “Dude, chill
your parents are still alive.”
And Kullervo is like “OH SHIT, WHERE?”
and she’s like “Thou must journey through the forest,
Hasten to the river-border,
Travel one day, then a second,
And the third from morn till even,
To the north-west, thou must journey.
If a mountain comes to meet thee-”
and he’s like “Fuck it, I’ll just google map it.”

So he gets to this little fisherman’s shack
where his parents live now because they’re hiding
and he’s like “Hey mom I’m your son what’s up?”
and his mom is like “OMG KULLERVO
BOY AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU
I was pretty sure you were dead
and your sister is definitely dead
so that was 2 dead kids and I was bummed
now it’s fine though.”

But Kullervo doesn’t think it’s fine
he’s like “Hold up, what happened to my sister?”
so his mom’s like “Well she went out to pick berries
up in the mountains
and then she didn’t come back
so i went out looking for her
and I was yelling and yelling
and the mountains were finally like ‘bitch stop yelling, she’s dead.’
so … there you go.”

But this is Finland
Misery is the national currency here
Kullervo doesn’t have time to grieve
he’s got to WORK.
His dad’s a fisherman, so he decides to help out with that
they go out on a canoe
and Kullervo’s paddling
and he’s like “Okay dad
do you want me to paddle like a wussy geezer
or do you want me to go FULL THROTTLE?”
and his dad is like “What are we, girl babies?
this boat is built to withstand paddling forces
of up to 200 Booyahs
you couldn’t break this boat with your paddling
if each of your arms was a Hercules made of other, tinier Herculii.
FULL THROTTLE, SON.”
So Kullervo takes him at his word
and paddles that boat to fucking pieces
and his dad is like “Wow, you’re terrible at boat
how about you scare fish into my nets instead?”

So Kullervo is like “Okay, dad
do you want me to scare fish like a grumpy toddler
or do you want me to go FULLLLL THROTTTLLLEEE?”
and his dad is like “WHAT ARE WE, BABY INFANTS?
FULL THROTTLE, SON.”
And Kullervo is like “Wow, okay
really thought you would have learned from last time.”
And he scares those salmon so hard
they tear up all the nets
and then pulp themselves into meat salad
just to escape Kullervo’s wizard hands.

So Kullervo’s dad is like “Son
you are an enormous, terrifying disappointment.
The entire beach is now a saltwater and fish smoothie
and it is all your fault.
How about this:
how about you run my taxes down to the post office for me.
Do you think you can do that?”
and Kullervo is like “Do you want me to do it like a pile of wet mice
or do you want me to do it -”
and his dad is like “A pile of wet mice is fine. Just go.”

So Kullervo goes and mails his dad’s taxes
and on the way back
he sees a hot chick in snow shoes
so he pulls up in his sweet sled
chrome sleighbells
20″ dogs
and he’s like “Hey girl
you need a ride?”
and she’s like “Go to hell, creeper.”
and he’s like “FINE” and peels out.

But then half a mile later
he runs up on ANOTHER hot chick in snow shoes
and he’s like “Hey babe
need a ride?”
and she’s like “Ew, go to hell.”
and he’s like “FINE!!!” and peels out again.

But then, half a mile later
he rolls up on a THIRD hot chick in snow shoes
and he’s feeling lucky so he’s like “Hey tootsiepuss
need a ride?”
and she’s like “Ugh, gross. As if.”
and he’s like “WHAT THE FUCK, COME ON.
I’M A WIZARD AND MY SLED IS LEGIT.
HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU”
and he grabs her and drags her into his sled
and she’s like “WTF DUDE THIS IS ASSAULT”
and he’s like “OH IS IT?
WHAT IF I SHOW YOU … ALL THIS TREASURE I HAVE?”
and she’s like “Oh
dang
suddenly I’m into you.”
Then they have sex.

So these two terrible people finish banging
and get back to calmly sledding across the Finnish tundra.
But the calm does not last
because the lady turns to Kullervo and she’s like “Hey
this might be a weird question
but who’s your dad?”
and he’s like “Kalervo.”
and she’s like “OMG ME TOO
I’M YOUR LONG LOST SISTER
I got lost in the woods one day
and I kept yelling for my mom
(WHOOPS I MEAN OUR MOM)
and finally the mountains were like ‘bitch stop yelling no one’s coming.’
And I’ve just been wandering around ever since.
Anyway, gotta go kill myself for having sex with you now.
Thanks for the orgasms I guess!”
and Kullervo is like “Wow I really fucked the dog on that one
and by the dog I mean my biological sister
that is just the worst.”

So basically
if Kullervo hadn’t forced a random woman into his car
dazzled her with riches and then had sex with her
he wouldn’t have done incest to his sister
and she wouldn’t have thrown herself into a fucking lake
which makes this story one of the earliest fables
to caution against street harassment.

Thank you, goodnight.

RedditStumbleUponShare

8 thoughts on “Mountains are Jerks

  1. Loved this part:
    “This boat is built to withstand paddling forces
    of up to 200 Booyahs
    you couldn’t break this boat with your paddling
    if each of your arms was a Hercules made of other, tinier Herculii.”

    Herculii is definitely the proper plural of Hercules.

  2. What?! There are no more trochaics?
    I am deeply disappointed
    Well and truly disappointed
    ‘Cos I heart trochaic meter
    And I thought that it was funny
    That you used it in your story
    Just like ol’ Elias Lönnrot.

  3. The plural would actually be ‘Hercules’ – the Latin name Hercules is a 5th declension noun.

    Singular:
    Nominative: Hercules
    Genitive: Herculis
    Dative: Herculi
    Accusative: Herculem
    Ablative: Hercule
    Vocative: Hercules

    Plural:
    Nominative: Hercules
    Genitive: Herculum
    Dative: Herculibus
    Accusative: Hercules
    Ablative: Herculibus
    Vocative: Hercules

  4. Pingback: Kullervo Dies Finally | Myths RETOLD

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>