Okay wow

so when last we left our egyptian retard brigade
Horus had just got born
and he and his mom Isis were hanging out in a swamp with some angry scorpions
EVERYTHING WAS AS IT SHOULD BE
anyway so Horus grows up
and Isis is like hey son
remember that asshole Set who you are destined to beat the shit out of?
and Horus is like yeah i mean
you never fucking stop talking about him
and also
HE TURNED INTO A SNAKE AND POISONED ME TO DEATH WHEN I WAS A BABY
THAT TENDS TO MAKE PEOPLE MEMORABLE TO ME WHEN THEY DO THAT
and Isis is like fuck chill out
look the point is you’ve had plenty of time to dick around
why haven’t you killed Set yet
and Horus is like FINE WHATEVER I’LL DO IT ALREADY
HEY SET I’M BOUT TO KILL YOU GET READY

so set shows up like OH NO YOU DIDN’T
and Horus is like HOLD STILL FOR A SECOND LET ME STAB YOUR FACE
and Isis is like OH FUCK WAIT
I SUDDENLY DON’T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN FOR SOME REASON
MAYBE BECAUSE SET IS MY BROTHER
and Horus is like FUCK YOU MOM and tries to break her legs
but then she stabs him instead
and Set gets away
and Horus is like ok wow
seriously?
just wow
but Isis heals him later so it’s fine

wait what am i talking about
it’s not fine at all
because now Set is thinking as HARD AS HE CAN about how fuck over Horus
and he comes up with an AMAZING PLAN
he’s like I KNOW
I will use my SEMEN to solve this problem
HEY HORUS WHAT’S UP WANNA HAVE SEX?
and Horus is like well normally i would say no
but today i am an idiot so ok sure
and they have a bunch of sweaty buttsex
but then right at the crucial moment
Horus uses his lightning reflexes to AUTOPARRY ALL OF SET’S MANBATTER
he just jams his hand down and BLOCKS ALL THE FUNBUTTER
because apparently it’s not gay if the jizz stays outside your butt
so then he’s got a handful of manana cream pie
and he’s like eww what am i going to do with this
I KNOW
I’LL THROW IT IN A RIVER
and thus invents handwashing and pollution SIMULTANEOUSLY

so now HORUS is thinking about how to fuck over Set
and he’s like hm
apparently the name of the game
is “get your semen inside of the other guy’s body”
i don’t make the rules
i just jizz in dudes’ mouths
let’s make this happen
so he sneaks into set’s crib and jerks off in his salad
and then Set eats the salad and Horus is like HAHA GAYWAD YOU JUST ATE MY SPOOGE
is it just me or is spooge the single least attractive synonym for dickglue
anyway Set is like BULLSHIT
LET’S GO BEFORE THE REST OF THE GODS AND NEEDLESSLY AIR OUR DIRTY LAUNDRY
IN HOPES OF DETERMINING SUPERIORITY

so they call together the other gods
and Set is like guys
I totally jizzed in Horus’s butt
that means i’m better than him right?
and Horus is like you didn’t jizz in my butt what are you talking about
go ahead and call for your sperm
see where they’re at
yeah apparently these dudes keep in touch with all their sperm
shit
talk about being a devoted father
anyway Set is like FINE
OHHH SPERRMMMMMMM
and the sperm is like HERE WE ARE
IN THE RIVER
and Set is like dammit Horus
did you block my cock
and Horus is like not only did I block your cock
I DEFEATED YOUR MEAT
and also?
FOOLED YOUR TOOL
and Set is like enough of that nonsense
and Horus is like hold on lemme find out where my sperm is at real quick
OHHH SPERRMMMMM
and the sperm is like HERE WE ARE
IN SET’S STOMACH
and Set is like FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
and everyone else is like wow
this is astonishingly stupid
how about we settle this pissing contest with a reasonable competition
like a boat race
except the boats are made of stone
PERFECT

so Set and Horus get their boats ready
but Horus has a secret
which is that his boat is actually MADE OF WOOD
it’s just painted to look like stone
which raises a couple of questions:
first of all
why didn’t anyone check to see if Horus’s boat was actually made of stone
and second of all
since they didn’t
WHY DID SET NOT DO THIS?
DOES HE NOT REALIZE THAT STONE IS THE WORST THING TO MAKE BOATS OUT OF?
I mean maybe he thinks they are trying to race to the bottom of the lake
in which case i understand
either that or he’s SCRUPULOUSLY HONEST
but we’re talking about the guy who ate some dude’s balls and then poisoned his baby
so i feel like honesty is not top of his priority list
but anyway they have the race and Set’s boat sinks
OBVIOUSLY
and Horus wins
and as a result he gets to be king of egypt
and Set has to be his bitch forever

so the moral of the story
is next time you are jockeying for a sweet promotion at your office
consider jizzing in your co-workers’ food
just make sure to also brush up on your boatracing skills
because you never know

the end.