Okay so there’s this merchant
(speaking of merchants DID YOU BUY A SHIRT YET?)
he’s got this sweet deal going on with Allah
where he gets to understand what animals are saying all the time
but if he tells anybody about it he dies
which honestly is about as good a deal as you can expect to get from any god anywhere
most of the time the deal is more like you get to have everything you love taken away
and if you complain about it you die
so already this merchant dude is pretty hooked up
but so then one day
this dude is hanging around some farm he owns
and he hears his bull talking to his butt
oh whoops sorry I meant ASS
so yeah the bull is like hey ass
why you get to live such a posh fucking life all the time
dudes all keepin’ your stable clean and feeding you gourmet ass-grass
you get pampered all the way down the red satin carpet to the infinity limo
you know what I get?
I get beat with STICKS
I wake up at FIVE AM
they put some wood shit on my neck
and they’re like OY
WALK IN A STRAIGHT LINE FOR LIKE A MILLION HOURS
and if I don’t then they brutalize me with whips made out of the SKINS OF MY FAMILY
but at least after all that I get to sit down and have a fat meal right?
WRONG
I GET TO EAT DRY BEANS AND COWSHIT
IF WHAT I AM EATING IS ALREADY SHIT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SHIT IT OUT
RIDDLE ME THAT DONKEY
RIDDLE ME THAT
and the donkey is like whoa dude chill out
you know what your problem is?
you’re an idiot
here’s what you do:
nothing
just sit on your distended belly and refuse to be a productive member of society
they’ll assume you’re sick and then BAM
PAID COW VACATION AHOY
and the cow is like whoa shit thanks man
and proceeds to do EXACTLY WHAT THE DONKEY TOLD HIM TO DO

here’s the problem
crafty ploys like this only work
when the person you are pranking has not OVERHEARD YOUR ENTIRE PLAN
so when the merchant gets wind of what’s going down
he’s just like no problem guys
just hook the donkey up to the plow and beat HIM with sticks
and so the following day
the donkey gets put through the most inhumane deathmarch possible
and he gets home in the evening like well thanks allah
thanks for this great fucking reward I get for giving my friend some advice
now I gotta fuck him over or live through my own personal trail of tears
so he’s like hey cow
COW
and the cow’s like oh shit sorry man
I couldn’t hear you over all this hedonistic pleasure I am indulging myself in
and the donkey is like dude I got the inside scoop
the merchant is totally gonna have you slaughtered if you don’t start being not sick
my advice is to immediately start prancing all the fuck everywhere
and the bull is like gee man you are so good at advice thank you so much
and proceeds to win the all around male cow’s breakdancing competition
in an attempt to convince everyone that he is super healthy and should not be killed
which of course causes the merchant to laugh his ass all the way off
and then his wife comes over like hey honey where’s your ass and why are you laughing
and he’s like HAHAHAHA OH MAN I’M SORRY BUT I CAN’T TELL YOU
and his wife is like well fuck that
tell me
and the merchant is like HAHAHA NO IF I TELL YOU I’LL DIE
and his wife is like dude seriously not cool
what’s so funny
and the merchant is like no seriously
I heard some animals saying some really funny shit
but if I tell you what it was then Allah will kill me
that’s the deal
that’s the deal I made
and his wife is like i don’t give a fuck what kind of deal you made with Allah
you tell me that funny joke RIGHT NOW
note that it’s not that his wife doesn’t believe what he’s telling her
it’s just that she can’t be arsed to care
and the merchant starts freaking out
he’s like are you serious woman?
i just explained to you
I am going to die
i mean it was some pretty funny shit but it’s not like a matter of life and death
and his wife is like I DON’T EVEN GIVE HALF A FUCK
IF YOU DON’T TELL ME RIGHT NOW I AM REVOKING YOUR SEASON TICKETS TO MY MEAT CAVE
and the merchant is like well if that’s the way it’s gonna be
lemme just invite over all our relatives so I can draw up my will
before you force me to kill myself over this fucking joke i heard

so all their relatives come over
and by the way
they share a lot of relatives
seeing as they are cousins and that is totally cool and don’t even worry about it
and all the relatives are like LADY PLEASE RECONSIDER
IT’S JUST A FUCKING JOKE WHY ARE YOU SO COMMITTED TO THIS?
and the wife is like I LIVE ON A GODDAMN FARM
DO YOU REALIZE WHAT A PRECIOUS COMMODITY JOKES ARE IN THIS HOUSEHOLD?
I HAVEN’T SEEN ANYONE SO MUCH AS SLIP ON A FUCKING BANANA PEEL IN LIKE A YEAR
and the merchant is like well alright
let’s go ahead and get this over with
but first I gotta go take a wicked dump in the outhouse
brb

so he’s sitting in the outhouse taking a shit
and outside he hears one of his dogs bust into the chicken coop
all like WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WHY AREN’T YOU GUYS MOURNING
OUR MASTER’S WRETCHED HARPY WIFE IS ABOUT TO FORCE HIM TO KILL HIMSELF
FOR NO GOOD REASON
and the rooster is like oh that?
bitch please
if that motherfucker can’t handle his one wife properly he deserves to die
look at me
I got fifty hoes IN THE SAME AREA CODE
FIFTY
and you know what else I got?
ninety-nine problems
NONE OF WHICH ARE AT ALL RELATED TO BITCHES
in fact you know what
I don’t even have any problems at all
my life is great
I rule this henhouse with an iron fist and get laid ceaselessly while doing it
and the dog is like shit man
what’s your secret
and the rooster is like two words:
merciless
beatings
and the merchant hears this and he’s like MERCILESS BEATINGS?
WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT
IT’S PURE GENIUS
so he wipes his ass with a passing hen
grabs some branches off the local mulberry tree
and runs inside like HEY WIFE
COME INTO THIS PRIVATE ROOM SO I CAN TELL YOU MY SECRET IN PRIVATE PRIVATELY
and she’s like ok sure
and then he proceeds to BEAT HER VIOLENTLY FOR HOURS
like PRETTY FUNNY JOKE HUH?
HUH?
YEAH THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO ASK QUESTIONS
and his wife is like FUUUUCK I’M SORRY
I’LL NEVER ASK YOU ANY QUESTIONS EVER AGAIN
and the husband is like OH MAN AWESOME
FROM NOW ON MY ENTIRE FAMILY LIFE WILL BE PREDICATED ON RUTHLESS BEATINGS
THANKS, ROOSTER!

so the moral of the story is
is if you’re at your wit’s end and you don’t know what to do
ask your cock
and if you don’t have one then i’m sorry
but I really don’t think the authors of this myth had your well-being in mind

THE END