Scheherezade is Better at This Than I Am

So King Shahryar is busy killin’ ladies every day
he goes through a thousand ladies like tissue paper
and then one day he sends his Wazir out to get a fresh babe
and the Wazir can find NO BABES AT ALL
(A wazir is a dude whose job it is to find babes
This wazir is apparently not very good at his job)
So the Wazir is like oh shit oh shit oh shit
there are only two virgin babes left in the town
presumably because the king killed half
and the other one did the smart thing
and got knocked up before they could get abducted
(PREMARITAL SEX:
IT MAY JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE)
and those two virgin babes
ARE MY DAUGHTERS
OHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIT

and that is not all my friends
because who are this Wazir’s two daughters?
Oh, just some chick named Dunyazade
and her sister
SCHEHEREZADE
so you know shit’s about to get real
cause i told you it was gonna get real earlier.

So the wazir comes home like hey sorry babes you are gonna get killed
and Scheherezade is like oh that’s cool
I was kinda tired of living anyway
and her dad is like WAIT NO
ACTUALLY I DON’T WANT THAT
YOU’RE MY DAUGHTER AND STUFF
and Scheherezade is like dude chill out
I have a plan
and her dad is like FOOLISH DAUGHTER
WOMEN CAN’T MAKE PLANS
HERE
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT HOW ANIMALS CAN TALK AND YOU SHOULD BEAT YOUR WIFE
and then he finishes telling the story and he’s like WOMAN
IF YOU DECIDE TO GO SEX UP THE SHAH
I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU LIKE THAT DUDE BEAT HIS WIFE
and Scheherezade is like nah dude you’re bluffing
and the wazir is like FUCK.
FINE.

So he goes over to the Shah and he’s like hey man
I uh
had a little trouble procuring babes today
and the king is like TROUBLE PROCURING BABES?
BUT
BUT THAT’S YOUR JOB.
And the Wazir is like yeah i know man
but it turns out babes are not a renewable resource
or at least not renewable at the speed you are disposing of them
you may have noticed that I seemed to be scraping the bottom of the barrel yesterday
when I brought you a vaguely feminine lump covered in barnacles
and the shah is like AH YES I REMEMBER IT WELL
OL’ BARNACLE-TITS.
(this is not a real part of this story
but then again this story is not real so suck it)
so the Wazir manages to get his mind off those barnacle tits
and he’s like okay Shahryar, I have a plan though
I am going to give you my daughter Scheherezade
and the king is like WHAT?
I mean, your daughter is EMINENTLY BONABLE
I could play a sweet bongo solo on that bodacious bum of hers
but we had a deal, dude
you were in charge of procuring babes
and in return any babes that came out of you were specifically off limits
and the Wazir is like I KNOW
BUT SCHEHEREZADE REALLY WANTS UP ON YOUR DONG
and Shahryar is like okay
but need I also remind you
that after I bang your daughter
I am going to kill her
because I still haven’t gotten over that thing with my wife?
and the wazir is like I KNOW
BUT SHE REALLY WANTS UP ON THAT
and Shahryar is like WELL IN THAT CASE
TITS AHOY
A THOUSAND TITS DELICIOUS

So the next night, Scheherezade gets an exclusive invite to the palace
and she shows up all decked out
and she snuggles up into the king’s bed with him
and she begins to
cry?!
and the king is like aw come on
I know I’m gonna kill you tomorrow and everything
but I got my dick out here
and I’m moving it around
and could you get over your impending doom long enough to do things to it?
and Scheherezade is like yeah ok
but could you bring my sister in here first
and Shahryar is like ooh
kinky
yeah, I can do that
so he brings Dunyazade in here
who is not so bad-looking herself
and the text is a little bit hazy on this point
so let me do a little line-by-line translation for you:

“So he sent at once for Dunyazade
and she came and kissed the ground between his hands,”
probably actually his dick

when he permitted her to take her seat near the foot of the couch.
then he was like ‘alright, now you get to watch while I do your sister’

Then the King arose and did away with his bride’s maidenhead
then he did her sister

and the three fell asleep.
tell me that’s not weird

so even if there wasn’t a crazy incestuous threesome going on
and I am NOT dismissing that possibility
at the very least, Scheherezade and Dunyazade have kind of a weird relationship
but I guess you do some crazy shit when you’re trying not to die
cause then what happens
is that all three of them wake up in the middle of the night
and instead of having more sex
Dunyazade starts bugging Scheherezade to tell her a story
and the king is like ooh, storytime!
and then Scheherezade starts telling this story
but she DOESN’T QUITE FINISH IT
because now it’s morning
and she’s like oh man
looks like I’m gonna die now
and you’re never gonna hear the end of the story
and the king is like AW HELL NO
YOU ARE NOT GETTING AWAY THAT EASILY
I AM TEMPORARILY POSTPONING YOUR MURDER
SO YOU CAN TELL ME THE REST OF THE STORY
and this continues
with her telling another story
and another and another
until a thousand nights have passed
at which point the king is like alright you win
I am hereby postponing your murder FOREVER
because that is just way too many stories
and anyway if I kill you
these threesomes will not be nearly as interesting.

So the moral of the story
is that no matter who you are
or how bad things get
the secret to success is

oh
but it’s getting late
I’ll tell you tomorrow.

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5 thoughts on “Scheherezade is Better at This Than I Am

  1. ‘then he did her sister’. I’m preety sure this line isn’t part of the original story though it is super weird that Dunyazade be allowed to stay in the same room.

  2. Pingback: One Woman’s Daring Journey Through a Labyrinth of Dicks | Myths RETOLD

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