So christmas

in reality it is already over
but in this story
it is JUST BEGINNING
in fact
it hasn’t even begun yet
it is looming on the horizon like some great tinsel-covered monolith
exuding sugarplum tentacles filled with HOLIDAY SPIRIT
or at least that’s what it feels like when you are dirt poor
so dirt poor you can’t even afford a present for your best chick/dude
which is the sorry condition of the chick and dude who are the stars of this tale

so this dude, right
he has this watch that he is really super proud of
he is always coming up with excuses to bust it out
like in the bus shelter or in line at the soup kitchen
all like OH MAN THIS LINE SURE IS TAKING A LONG TIME
I WONDER HOW MUCH TIME EXACTLY
LET ME JUST PULL OUT MY GOLD PLATED WATCH
DID YOU KNOW THIS THING IS A FAMILY HEIRLOOM
and then someone punches him usually

and this chick
she has got some BO-DONCULOUS hair
seriously
this is the scalpfuzz to end all scalpfuzz
all luxurious and flaxen and whatnot
cascading in delicate ringlets all down the sides of her face
dudes in trenchcoats come up to her from behind in train stations
with tiny sewing scissors
to collect the TINIEST TROPHIES for their fetish altars
man you should’ve been there
these are the only distinguishing features these two people have

so naturally
when it comes time to sit down and think about christmas gifts
this chick and this dude immediately start thinking about hair and watches
the dude is like damn
my lady has enough luscious hair to strangle eddie van halen
she would make rapunzel go bald with jealousy
perhaps I should get her
…something for hair?
and he happens to be walking down the street while he thinks this
and he sees in a shop window this INCREDIBLY PIMPIN’ COMB
it has got rubies all up the hell everywhere
and he goes into the store and he is like HOW MUCH FOR THAT COMB
and the shopkeeper is like A BILLION DOLLARS
but I also accept payment in gold plated family heirloom watches
and the guy is like DONE
and he pawns his watch and gets the comb
hooray, christmas is saved

MEANWHILE
the chick is walking along like hmm
my dude certainly does like that watch of his a whole lot
but you know what that watch is missing?
a PIMPTACULAR watch chain to dangle it on
that way it won’t fall out of his hand and hit the ground
when he gets punched in the face for flashing it at the soup kitchen again
so she goes into the watch chain store
and damn if she doesn’t pick the BLINGINEST WATCH CHAIN THERE EVER WAS
and she’s like how much for that watch chain there
and the shopkeep is like MORE THAN YOU HAVE
and the chick is like well
will you pay me that much if I
SELL YOU MY HAIR?
and the shopkeeper is like MMMM YESSSSSSSS
and so he shaves her head and gives her the watch chain
and no one finds this creepy at all
and christmas is saaaaaaved!

so cut to christmas
these two people are both super excited to give each other gifts
so the dude is like HERE YOU GO BABY I GOT YOU THIS HAIR COMB
ALTHOUGH HONESTLY I AM NOT SURE HOW YOU MANAGED TO MAINTAIN SUCH LUSCIOUS HAIR
FOR SO LONG
IN ABSENCE OF A COMB
DO YOU PERHAPS HAVE
LUSCIOUS DREADLOCKS?
ANYWAY HERE’S THIS COMB FOR YOUR ABUNDANT HAIR THAT YOU HAVE
and the chick is like oh
shit
bad timing
i kind of sold my hair to get you this watch chain
but hey
at least you get this watch chain, right?
and the guy is like oohhh about that
kinda sold my watch to get you this haircomb
and they are both like huh
we just spent all the money we had
and sacrificed the only things about ourselves that brought us any joy
in exchange for two shiny objects that are of absolutely no use to us
is this perhaps
the TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS?

well no
because the moral of the story
is that when it comes to gift-giving
it’s the thought that counts
except when that thought is really really dumb

the end