Alright so
first of all you should give me money cuz i am poor
there’s that donation button over there
do you see it
i have to buy diesel and internet and sometimes food
and plus if you do
i just decided
i’ll totally retell the book of genesis

ANYWAY SO THERE’S THIS DUDE
FINN
he is the captain of this band of irishmen
called the Fianna
clever right
actually the first time i read it
i thought fianna was like
finn’s sister or some shit
but no
just his clan
anyway one day all of them are sitting by a river
and this chick pops out of the water
all like HEY FIANNA
HOWSABOUT ONE OF YOU COMES OVER HERE
AND TALKS TO ME

and she’s pretty hot
so this one dude Sciathbreac
of the speckled shield
god
i understand why this guy isn’t mentioned in more stories
anyway he goes up to her like
alright which one of us do you want to talk to
and she is like Finn please
and Sciathbreac is like jesus fuck why didn’t you just say that
i could have just not gotten up
and no one would have had to type out my name later
when this myth is retold

so then finn walks up to her like hey gorgeous
what’s good
and the chick is like first of all my name is Diareann
i know my name kind of looks like diarrhea
but don’t let that fool you
because I am not full of shit when i tell you
i am here to have sex with you
tons of it
all the time
and finn is like ok what’s the catch
and diareann is like well you gotta marry me
and be faithful to me
for ONE WHOLE YEAR
and then i get half your time after that

so finn is like HAH I KNEW THERE WAS A CATCH
NO WAY
NO FUCKING WAY
I HAVE TOO MUCH PENIS FOR THAT
SO SUCK IT
OR RATHER DON’T
BECAUSE I DON’T ACCEPT YOUR DEAL
YOU CAN STILL SUCK MY PENIS THOUGH I GUESS
JUST ON MY TERMS
NOT YOURS
BECAUSE I REFUSE THOSE
DO YOU UNDERSTAND

and diareann is like ok fine
here have this
and she takes out a cup
and pours it full of some kind of strong booze
and finn is like what the fuck is that
and she is like it is really potent mead
and finn is like fuck
i have a vow
that says any time
anyone offers me
ANYTHING
that you can use to PARTY
i must accept it
so he grabs that mead
and chugs it so hard
that like ten other dudes
all across ireland
suddenly find their cups empty

BUT SURPRISE SURPRISE
THAT MEAD WAS SPIKED
it was spiked
with ASSHOLE JUICE
not juice from an asshole
but juice that turns you into an asshole
so finn turns around
and just starts insulting all his friends
like
OY, SHITHANDS
WHY DONT YOU STOP SHITTING IN YOUR HANDS FOR A SECOND
AND TRY TO LIKE
WIN A BATTLE FOR ONCE
or
HEY PUSSNEXUS
DO YOU HAVE DICKS FOR HANDS
OR DO I HAVE TO FIND YOU ANOTHER EXCUSE
FOR COCKING UP ALL THE TIME
or
HEY ASSCLOWN
THIS IS NOT THE DIPSHIT CIRCUS
THIS IS AN ARMY
WHY DON’T YOU PACK UP YOUR FAILURE FESTIVAL
AND MOVE IT ON DOWN THE ROAD TO TOOLTOWN

so all his men are like
we dont have to stand for this
and one by one they just pack their shit
and head home
eventually leaving finn totally alone
except for some dude Caolite
who i guess just likes to be insulted or something
cause then what that dude does
is he runs after ALL THIRTEEN OF THE GUYS WHO LEFT
and is like guys come on
he’s just wasted
we all get wasted right
we’re irish
come on
and all the other guys are like ok fine
we’ll come back
as long as we get to murder some dudes later
and Caolite is like are you kidding
we are going to murder so many dudes
ALL the dudes
EVERY dude

so by the time Caolite is finished fixing all of finn’s problems
Finn is totally sobered up and apologetic
thus beginning a proud tradition
of getting drunk and causing problems
and then later some chick offers him a bunch of walnuts
but he is like NO THANK YOU
THOSE ARE DATERAPE WALNUTS
and in fact they are

so i guess he learned his lesson
which is don’t accept edible gifts
from chicks with agendas

the end.