Breathing Fire Does Not Pay


Okay so Finn again right

now i realize
that in that last myth
i made finn out to be kind of an asshole
that is because
he was an asshole in that myth
but i figure i owe it to him
to tell you about how he became head of the Fianna

first a bunch of random shit happens
like he gets born
and his dad gets murdered
and the sons of this dude Morna
who killed Finn’s dad
are trying to kill finn now
cause that’s what you do
so he hides for a bit
with two chicks
one is his mom i think
i dunno who the other on is

anyway they train him to be a great warrior
basically through child abuse
like they chase him around trees with a stick
and they throw him into the water without warning
and they put him in the middle of a field
with some rabbits
and say hey
don’t let these rabbits leave this field ok
so finn becomes a great hunter
like one time he throws a rock at a duck
and it cuts off the duck’s wings
what the fuck

anyway eventually he leaves with some poets
but then this dude murders all the poets
and leaves finn alive for some reason
then he goes home
but then he leaves again
and does a whole bunch of shit no one cares about
like beats some assholes in a swimming contest
and beats some dude at chess
and beats some guys at hunting
kills the dude who first wounded his father
and takes all his stuff
and goes to this coast where some poets are
and eats the fish of knowledge
instead of the dude who was supposed to eat it
so he gets a ton of knowledge
and then he goes to some well
also full of knowledge
and he starts to drink it
but then the chicks who own the well run out
and try to stop him
so then it gets in his mouth obviously and he gets more knowledge
and as a result
he writes a poem

god guys
that poem is so fucking long
it is difficult to accurately illustrate
how little of a shit
i give about that poem
pretty sure no one even gets murdered in it
although i can’t be sure
because i didn’t fucking read it
i got all the way to “here is another story
the blue goat gently nibbles on grass in the autumn sunlight of memory”
or some bullshit
anyway then interesting stuff happens

because Finn decides to show up
at this yearly conference
around Samhain
at his dad’s old kingdom
which is being run by those rascally sons of Morna
but see it is a special conference
where no one is allowed to have beef with anyone else

so he shows up
like hey remember that guy you killed
i’m his son though
don’t worry though
we aren’t allowed to have any beef
so i don’t
and then the sons of morna are like ok we’re cool
there is this dude terrorizing our town
which is called Teamhair
which just conjures a really gross mental image for me
but anyway
this dude shows up every year
on Samhain
his name is Aillen
what he does
is he plays music until everyone falls asleep
and then he breathes fire
on the town
and then he leaves
and then we have a year to rebuild the town
and he comes back and does it again
what the fuck right?
hey does anyone want to kill this guy?
seriously what an asshole

so apparently this conference
is also the pussnexus of the entirety of ireland
because no one wants to kill this firebreathing motherfucker
but then finn stands up like
what are you pussies
i’ll do it
and the sons of morna are like sure go nuts

so then this other guy
is like hey finn
you realize you’re fucked right
and finn is like yeah prolly
and fiacha is like what would you give me
if i brought you a magic spear
that will solve all your problems
and finn was like i dunno how much do you want
and fiacha is like a third of your loot from now on
plus a third of your friendship
and finn is like shit sure
i’m not using my friendship right now anyway
so fiacha gets him this spear

he is like here
have this weapon
when Aillen shows up
and starts making his sleepytimes music
just put the covering on the spear over your forehead
and it will protect you for some reason

so Finn goes out
and aillen shows up
and he starts doing his little snorefest symphony
and finn puts the spear cover on his forehead
so he is like
wired on caffeine or some shit
and then Aillen is like AWESOME EVERYONE IS ASLEEP
and he starts to do that
but then finn throws the spear through his heart
and then chops off his head just to be sure
and then he takes it
and puts it on a big spike in front of the castle
and after that i guess
everyone is so afraid of him
they elect him king of the Fianna
i guess king is something you can get elected to
i guess that makes sense
anyway then he gets to be king
and everything is great
until he gets drunk later and alienates his pals

so the moral of the story is
when life kills your dad
kill a mutant asshole with a magic spear
and i guess make … lemonade with his blood?

the end.

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