oh hey so first of all
thank you to everyone who did guest myths during the guest (more than a) week
you made it possible for me to get my shit together in a whole different city
and I have friends now and an apartment so you guys rock
also you guys who read this piece of shit
all of you warm the cockles of my heart
hehe cockles

alright so I liked retelling hamlet so much that I am on a shakespeare kick now
here’s one about a whole cornucopia of idiots

alright so there’s this king Theseus right
OH SHIT THESEUS
you remember him right?
he’s that rompin’ stompin’ womanizing dick train from greece
fuck that describes pretty much every greek hero and also zeus
anyway this play we’re about to talk about
takes place in Athens right after Theseus has stolen Hyppolita from the Amazons
and right before he ditches her to fuck some other chick
and she kills herself at his wedding
so basically the play takes place in a relatively rare sweet spot
where Theseus is not being an asshole
MOVING ON

so Theseus and Hippolyta are about to get married right
but their premarital bliss is totally getting buzzkilled by some asshole Egeus
who is bitching about his daughter Hermia
and how she refuses to marry some prick Demetrius
and then Hermia busts in yelling about how Demetrius is a total prick
cause up until like a week ago he was all into this other broad Helena
and also cause she herself is totally tits over nipples for this other dude Lysander
who is also mega into her tits and nipples
and no one is interested in this Helena chick at all
even though Helena is practically tripping over her tits trying to get at Demetrius
so basically the central problem of this play
is that Hermia is way hotter than Helena

but so yeah Theseus is bored of listening to everyone bitch
so he’s like ALRIGHT
I’M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW GUYS
IF EVERYONE DOESN’T FIGURE OUT WHO THEY’RE MARRYING BY THEN
EVERYBODY DIES
and then he leaves
so then Hermia goes to her sexbiscuit Lysander
all like Lysander hey
shit’s fucked up
and Lysander’s like well you know what they say
when the going gets tough
the tough elope
seriously I have an aunt in the next town she’ll buy us beer and everything
OH YEAH I FORGOT
EVERYONE IS LIKE FIFTEEN IN THIS PLAY

so anyway then later Hermia runs into her main chick Helena
you know
the ugly one
and she’s like yo helena
me and my boytoy Lysander bout to elope tonight
hopefully once Demetrius realizes my vagina’s too far away he’ll settle for yours
good luck!
and then she leaves
and Helena is like CURSE HER HIGH CHEEKBONES
I CAN’T STAND TO SEE ANYONE HAPPY WHEN I AM SO UGLY ALL THE TIME
I KNOW
I’LL SHIT IN EVERYONE’S MILK BY TELLING DEMETRIUS ABOUT THE WHOLE PLAN
so she does
and Demetrius is like WELL BUTTER MY NUTSACK
THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR RUNNING INTO THE FOREST BRANDISHING A SWORD
seriously now
who is the dipshit responsible for passing out swords to all these fucking tweens?

but anyway then it’s night time and everyone is in the forest
no one is enjoying themselves even a little bit
except for one dude but we’ll get to him later
right now what we are concerned with is some fucking faeries
they are called Oberon and Titania and they are supposed to be the king and queen
(of faeries)
but right now they are having a shit-fit over one of Oberon’s prepubescent boytoys
it doesn’t even matter why
the point is Titania has him and won’t give him back
and Oberon is being a petulant numbnuts and stomping his feet a lot
and then Titania leaves and he comes up with this plan
with the help of the one dude who is consistently having a good time:
Puck
Aka Robin Goodfellow
Aka the main driving force between all of the action in the fucking play
in Sandman Neil Gaiman portrays Puck as this like terrifying trickster
but honestly he seems more like someone who never bothered to learn competence
because he finds his incompetence fucking hilarious
anyway Oberon is like YO PUCK
THERE’S SOME REALLY DANGEROUS FLOWERS CHILLING IN THESE WOODS
IF YOU RUB THEM ON PEOPLE’S EYES WHILE THEY ARE ASLEEP
THEY WILL BE ALL HOT FOR THE FIRST THING THEY SEE WHEN THEY WAKE UP
WE ARE GOING TO MAKE TITANIA FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMETHING REALLY GROSS
IT WILL BE HILARIOUS

so puck goes off to pick some sexflowers
and meanwhile Oberon gets to watch Helena chasing Demetrius through the woods
while Demetrius chases Lysander and Hermia
presumably intending to kill them
oh and i guess now would be a good time to mention
that everyone in this play speaks in couplets
so when Helena is chasing Demetrius it sounds something like
IT’S HARD TO RUN AND STILL BE SEXY
I LOVE A MAN WHO WON’T RESPECT ME
and then Demetrius is all
GET OFF MY NUTS YOU SCABBY HO
NOW WHERE’D THAT TWAT LYSANDER GO?
and so on and so forth until Demetrius kicks Helena in the head and runs away

so Oberon is watching all of this
and one of his super powers is meddling
so when Puck gets back with all the sexyflowers
he’s like yo dude
new plan
I’m still gonna go put plant jizz all over my wife’s eyes
but now I ALSO want you to do it to this Athenian guy I found
he needs to fall in love with this ugly chick because why the fuck not
so Oberon goes off to massage his wife’s eyeballs with love juice
and meanwhile puck goes to find some Athenian dude
MEANWHILE here come Lysander and Hermia
being all lovey dovey and making me sick
but also being super lost and pretty incompetent
now see if this was a horror movie this is the part where they would start making out
and then Lysander would get stabbed in the brain by an evil shovel zombie
but noooo
instead they gotta be all proper about shit
and go to sleep like ten feet apart
because they’re not married yet and THAT SIMPLY ISN’T DONE
(this is Hermia’s idea by the way
Lysander is all for a little premarital hoinko boinko)
so here comes Puck riding the fuck you bus straight through forest towne
and he’s like WHOA HERE’S SOME CHICK SLEEPING REAL FAR FROM SOME DUDE
CLEARLY THIS IS THE DUDE OBERON WANTED ME TO PRANK
although actually this chick is not ugly at all
she has tits like silicone torpedoes
but oh well whatever
not like whatever happens won’t be FUCKING HILARIOUS anyway

so he anoints Lysander’s eyes with the love potion
and then here comes Demetrius and Helena
and Demetrius is like BITCH GET AWAY FROM ME
and Helena is like I’LL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR FREE
but Demetrius is havin’ none of it
he just runs away leaving Helena in the clearing with the sleeping Lysander and his sidekick Hermia
and she’s like LYSANDER LYSANDER PLEASE BE AWAKE
and Lysander’s like THERE’S A FIRE IN MY LOINS AND YOUR COOCH IS A LAKE
and Helena is like whoa dude that’s pretty impolite
and Lysander is like I WANNA BANG YOU ALLLLLLL NIGHT
and Helena is like dude we aren’t rhyming anymore I am seriously creeped out
and Lysander is like I WOULD DESCRIBE ALL THE THINGS I WANNA DO TO YOU
BUT THAT SHIT WOULD GET BLEEPED OUT
and Helena is like fuck this i’m out of here
and she runs away and Lysander chases her
and then Hermia wakes up like what the fuck where’s my man at
and then SHE runs away looking for Lysander
and from here on out shit is officially fucked up

SO CUT TO SOME CONSTRUCTION WORKERS REHEARSING A PLAY IN THE WOODS
and if you thought everyone else in this play was idiots
lemme let you in on a little secret, sugartits
these characters right here are written with the SPECIFIC AND EXCLUSIVE PURPOSE
of being being the most elite paratroopers of stupidity every to drop out of the moron hatch
they are:
Peter Quince, the carpenter
Snug, the Joiner
Francis Flute, the Bellows-mender
Robin Starveling, the tailor
Tom Snout, the tinkerer
and NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVER
guys
if there was every any doubt that it was shakespeare who wrote these plays
instead of some fancy rich asshole with too much time on his hands
NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVER is all the proof you need
to convince you that no educated person would be caught dead near this theatrical clusterfuck
so lemme get this straight
you’re writing a play set in athens
your characters are named things like Theseus
Helena
and NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVER
that’s like if you wrote a play set in the stone age with a bunch of cavemen
and one of them was named PROFESSOR MCBUTTS THE ASTROPHYSICIST
actually could someone please write that play

but anyway speaking of plays these guys are performing one
somehow they got their hands on a copy of the script for pyramus and thisby
i don’t know why anyone would sell a script to these idiots but they did
and now everyone is trying to figure out what parts they will play
and Nick Bottom the Weaver has already got it all figured out
you see Nick Bottom the Weaver is going to play EVERY PART
but Peter Quince is pretty used to dealing with the fucking Diva festival that is Bottom
so he convinces bottom to just settle for the lead role: Pyramus
and so bottom happily proceeds to not memorize any of the lines and yell a lot
meanwhile everyone else gets cast as other stuff
but it doesn’t matter because it’s all going to get changed around later
when they decide they need actors playing the parts of all the inanimate objects in the play
in fact the rest of the seen is spent fucking the entire script to death
like OH FUCK EVERYONE IS GONNA THINK THE LION IS REAL
BETTER SPEND TEN MINUTES EXPLAINING THAT IT ISNT
ALSO WE NEED SOMEONE TO PLAY THE WALL
BETWEEN PYRAMUS AND THISBY’S HOUSES
AND UH
HOW ABOUT THE MOON?
WE DON’T HAVE ANYONE PLAYING THE MOON YET
also bottom still really wants to play the lion but that ship has sailed
and then to top it all off
Puck shows up and puts the final nail in the coffin by showing up during the dress rehearsal
and turning Bottom’s head into an ASS’S HEAD
HAHA ASS MEANS BUTT AND SO DOES BOTTOM
DO YOU GET IT?
IF NOT THAT’S OKAY
BECAUSE SHAKESPEARE’S GONNA BEAT THAT DEAD HORSE FOR 50 MORE PAGES
oh yeah and then all of Bottom’s friends run away
because really they were looking for an excuse to ditch that guy
and then he runs into Titania
who remember
has gotten lovejuice massaged into her eyeballs by her petulant child-raping husband
and she wakes up and she’s like OH MAN SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR DISGUSTING FACE
REALLY TURNS ME ON
HERE
HAVE SOME SLAVES AND ALSO MY AFFECTION
so everything works out pretty well for Bottom and basically no one else

OKAY CUT BACK TO THE HORNY TEENS CHASING EACH OTHER IN THE DARK
or actually cut back to Puck and Oberon laughing about how they just pranked Titania
although just to clarify guys
this was NOT PUCK’S PLAN AT ALL
he just saw some dudes and he was like man you know what would be great
is if that guy had a DONKEY HEAD
and then Bottom just happened to run into Titania later and everything worked out perfectly
what did i tell you about Puck being fantastically incompetent?
and then Oberon is like hey so did you make that athenian dude fall in love with that chick like i said?
and puck is like yeah totally
oh look here they come right now
but it’s not them
it’s Hermia getting chased by Demetrius
and Hermia is screaming at Demetrius tryin to find out where Lysander’s at
and Demetrius is like HOW ABOUT WE JUST FUCK AND FORGET ABOUT IT
and Hermia is like EW HOW ABOUT I KILL MYSELF
and Demetrius is like HOW ABOUT I KILL LYSANDER
and Hermia is like YOU’D HAVE TO FIND HIM FIRST
and Oberon is like PUCK GOD DAMMIT WHAT DID YOU DO
and Puck is like I don’t know but it sure is hilarious
and then Hermia runs away and leaves Demetrius alone in the woods
and Demetrius is so overcome with grief that he falls asleep
and Oberon is like alright Puck
dude’s asleep right in front of us
go fix this shit
and Puck’s like sure why not
so he rubs lovejuice on Demetrius’s face

now at this point the relationship dynamics in this play may seem a little complicated
so i have devised a handy chart for keeping track of who wants to bang who
observe:

okay so yeah Demetrius has got lovejuice all over his eyes
and in comes Helena getting chased by Lysander
and Helena is all like STOP CHASING ME I’M GETTING TIRED
and Lysander is like MY DICK’S SO HARD I’M FULLY WIRED
GIRL I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY SON
and Demetrius wakes up like YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE
and Helena’s like HA HA GUYS THAT’S VERY FUNNY
and Demetrius is like NOT AS FUNNY AS MY COCK, HONEY
and Lysander’s like what the fuck is that supposed to mean
and Demetrius is like what do you THINK it means?
and Lysander’s like MAKE ME
and then they’re about to beat the shit out of each other
and HERMIA shows up
like THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE THESE WOODS ARE WEIRD
and Lysander’s like BITCH I WOULDN’T USE YOUR PUBES TO WIPE MY BEARD
and Helena is like don’t mind him hermia
he is just trying to prank me by pretending to be in love with me
god this is like high school all over again
also Demetrius is doing the same thing
and Helena is like GOD DAMMIT LYSANDER STOP PRANKING HER
and Lysander is like BITCH I AIN’T PRANKING SHIT
GET AWAY FROM ME
and Demetrius is like NO YOU GET AWAY FROM ME
I AM GONNA BANG HELENA AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
and Helena is like guys this prank is really hurting my feelings
and Hermia is like YOUR feelings?
they both want to bang you
what about MY feelings?
I am not gonna get shown up by some short tall ugly bitch
and Helena is like WHO YOU CALLIN UGLY YOU FUCKIN MIDGET
and instead of standing back and watching the catfight unfold like real men
maybe providing some jello
Demetrius and Lysander start doing the SAME SHIT
all insulting each other and about to fight or whatever
and everyone keeps calling Hermia short
because i guess it’s the one flaw anyone can find with her PERFECT GODDAMN BODY
and basically no one is happy at all
except for Puck
who is sitting in a tree with some popcorn
laughing
his
ass off

so Demetrius and Lysander decide they need to run off into the woods
to have the ULTIMATE PISSING CONTEST for Helena’s love
and Hermia is like NO GUYS COME BACK AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME
and Lysander is like LET GO OF ME SHORTY SHORT SHORTPANTS
and he runs away
and Hermia is like HELENA YOU TOWERING BITCH I’M GONNA CUT YOU
and Helena is like YOU MAY HAVE A KNIFE BUT MY LEGS ARE LONGER THAN YOURS
I’M GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
so she sprints away

so Oberon goes up to puck and he’s like hey puck
and puck’s like yeah?
and Oberon is like what the fuck did you do Puck?
and Puck’s like man I did exactly what you told me to do
and Oberon’s like fair enough
so uh
wanna go fix it?
and Puck’s like sure boss
so he goes into the woods where Demetrius and Lysander are chasing each other
and he pretends to be both of them until they both run into trees trying to find him
and pass out
and then he puts MORE LOVE POTION on Lysander’s eyes
and then Helena and Hermia show up and they fall asleep there too
jesus does everyone have narcolepsy in this play?

meanwhile Bottom is getting the royal treatment
but then Puck shows up and dispells the love potion that’s on Titania
and then Titania is like EWW WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
and then i guess she and Oberon get back together
because all it took was for Oberon to prank his wife real good one time
and everything worked itself out

so meanwhile the sun comes up
and Theseus and Hippolyta come waltzing through the woods
and they pretty much trip over these four sleeping idiot tweens
and they’re like YO KIDS
WAKE YO ASSES UP
and everyone wakes up and is in love with the right people
like Lysander is in love with Hermia
and Demetrius is in love with Helena
and everyone gets married IMMEDIATELY
and then at the wedding reception
Bottom and co show up to perform the shittiest version of Pyramus and Thisby ever
I won’t bother to tell you the story because I already told it to you MONTHS AGO
but suffice to say everyone is severely incompetent
and none of the people watching the play let anyone say two lines in a row
without interrupting and being total dicks about it
so that’s a good way to round things out
and then everyone lives happily ever after
except probably Demetrius because he got pranked into marrying some ugly broad

so the moral of the story
is if you can’t be
with the one you love
get a fairy to anoint your eyes with flower spooge
you’ll fall in love a goddamn air conditioning unit if you have to

THE END.