I was seriously under the impression that i had run out of greek myths.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW THINGS:
YOU GET WRONG.
So Aphrodite is a total ho-bag slupermodel
(a slupermodel is a slut who is also really attractive)
there is documented evidence of this
and meanwhile she is totally laughing her perfect, perfect ass off at all the other gods
I keep making you jerks fall in love with mortals
and then you get them preggers
or else they get YOU preggers
and then your babies DIE
(after a life of epic heroism.)
And all the gods are like “fuck this.
Zeus, fix this problem.”
And Zeus is like “Oh, I’ll fix her problems all right.”
And the gods are like “Not like that, Zeus
Not with your penis.
We all know what you are thinking because we are all thinking the exact same thing.”
And Zeus is like “Aww nuts.
So he just crawls into Aphrodite’s brain and makes her in love with this dude Anchises
who is a hunter who lives in a little hut in the woods near Troy
and who just happens to be HOTTER THAN AN EXPOSED HEATING ELEMENT IN AN ANTIQUE IRON
SERIOUSLY THOSE THINGS SUCK IF YOU AREN’T LOOKING OUT FOR THEM.
Basically the point here is
Zeus is shitty at pranking people
because he didn’t even think to pull some Midsummer Night’s Dream shit
and make her fall in love with like a leper or a big basket of sea urchins or something.
SEXIEST DUDE EVER.
WAY TO GO ZEUS.
Also, since when does Zeus have the power to make chicks fall in love?
I thought his power was to make chicks fall in rape
and even then, only with him.
This superpower is NON-CANON.
The point is that Aphrodite is giving Anchises the ol’ once-over
and poppin’ ladyboners like erotic popcorn.
(have you ever had erotic popcorn, my friends?
That shit is disgusting.)
So what she does
is she pimps the FUCK out of her bad self
and by the time she meteor-slams into earth she is SO BONERDACIOUS
that wherever she goes she leaves a trail of COPULATING LEOPARDS IN HER WAKE.
THIS CHICK HAS SO MUCH RAW ANIMAL MAGNETISM
THAT IT’S GETTING COOKED ON THE SICK FIRES OF HER HOTNESS
AND THEN THE AROMAS ARE ATTRACTING CARNIVORIOUS FUCKING BEASTS
WHO THEN PROCEED TO BONE.
So Anchises is chillin’ at the crib
and he hears the unmistakeable sound of wolves fucking
and he opens the door to find THE HOTTEST FLESHBISCUIT HE HAS EVER LAID EYES ON.
So he’s like “holy shit
you are obviously a goddess
no other type of female is constantly accompanied by a retinue of horny jungle cats
(with the possible exception of horny female jungle cats)
thank you for showing up at my humble abode?
please don’t kill me?
Oh! Oh! I know!
I’ll build you an altar.
Bitches love altars.”
And Aphrodite is like “BITCH I DON’T WANT NO ALTAR
AND I AIN’T NO GODDESS.
I’m just a really
amazingly hot chick
who was frolicking with all my amazingly hot friends
(none of whom are even close to as hot as me)
when all of a sudden there were bandits or maybe a fire
and then HERMES showed up
and then instead of prank-sexing me like any self-respecting god would have
he teleported me over here and told me to have sex with YOU.”
because THAT is what passes for plausible on the outskirts of Troy.
So Anchises is like “You don’t have to tell ME twice.”
Except he doesn’t say it with his mouth
he says it with his dick
oh, also Aphrodite totally hit him with her love spells
not that she needed to
I mean come on
dude lives in the woods BY HIMSELF.
But anyway he drags her ass over to his bed
which is made from the skins of lions and bears
ALL OF WHICH HE KILLED HIMSELF
and if Aphrodite is like ANY DOUBTS I HAD ABOUT THIS SEX WERE JUST DISPELLED RIGHT NOW.
Then they commence to copulate.
Then Anchises falls asleep
because it is hard work keeping up with Aphrodite in the sack, ok?
But when he wakes up he is in for a BIG SURPRISE
because Aphrodite has morphed into ultimate goddess form
and he gets one whiff of her divine radiance and he’s like “WOMAN
YOU ASSURED ME THAT YOU WERE NOT A GODDESS
THAT AND YOUR IRRESISTIBLE HOTNESS WERE THE ONLY TWO REASONS I AGREED TO THIS ARRANGEMENT.
Look, I know how the story goes from here
you get angry at me for no reason
and my flesh ends up getting used to decorate one of your ceremonial dildos.
I want out.
All I ever wanted was a simple life
and no-strings-attached celestial poon.
Is that too much to ask?”
And Aphrodite is like “No, actually.
See I actually got pranked into doing this
and it’s totally not your fault
and anyway you just put a baby inside of me
so I kinda need to have that now
and then I’m gonna raise it for 5 years and then you can have it back.
But don’t you DARE tell anyone about this shit
because I DO have a ceremonial dildo that needs reupholstering.”
And Anchises is like “Yeah yeah no problem.”
But come on
you can’t not brag about something like that.
So he does
and then he gets struck by lightning
but it’s okay, because his son turns out to be pretty famous.
His name is Aeneas
maybe you’ve heard of him?
So the moral of the story
is that it’s no use going out and trying to get dudes/babes.
Better just to chill out on top of a mountain
and let the god/esses come to YOU.