Okay guys, it’s time we had a talk
come here guys
yes, yes, sit down
hoo, okay…
now, your mothers and I have noticed that you’re starting to get to that certain age
where your body will start to undergo humiliating changes
changes that have never happened to anyone else ever
and we have also noticed
that you have some disturbing ideas about where babies come from
garnered from books, no doubt
Feh!
Well don’t worry guys, I got this covered
this is how sex works:

so when a man and a woman
or a man and a man
or a woman and a cow
love each other very very much
they start out by giving each other a special kind of hug
this hug is called a suplex, but with penetration
it’s great, you should try it all the time
but then comes the weird part
because then the woman gets so excited about the baby she’s gonna get
that she eats a whole bunch of cake and balloons
and her stomach gets all large and tumescent
and it’s hard to poop out fully inflated balloons
so that shit stays in there for NINE MONTHS
and meanwhile, THE NEGOTIATIONS BEGIN

What negotiations, you ask?
Well, surely you didn’t think procreation was merely a matter of putting a penis in a vagina?
why, if it was that simple, EVERYONE would be having babies, all the time!
No no no, only shrewd diplomats like me and your mothers get to have babies
and this is because of the storks.

Ever wonder why birds aren’t extinct yet?
I sure used to.
They’re basically tiny feathered problem machines
that exist solely to shit in your hair and attack schoolchildren in horror movies
we have guns, let’s get on this, right?
WRONG.
Because what you don’t realize
is that storks have taken EVERY BABY IN THE WORLD HOSTAGE
and made themselves the sole proprietors of human reproduction
in exchange for the continued survival of phylum Birdseria.
So how this works is that anyone who wants to have a baby
must go to a pond in the middle of the night
with a nondescript suitcase full of at least two hundred thousand dollars in nonsequential herring
and then a representative from the Baby Dispensary Committee comes with a contract
and you have to sign it in blood
and then they go back to their secret baby vault
and they pick out a baby based on how much money you give them
and how hot they think you are
which is why sexy people have sexy babies
and rich people have gold-plated racecar babies
but then they have to wait nine months to deliver the baby to your house
because before that your wife is still full of balloons and shit
and that would freak the baby out.

So the moral of the story
is that condoms are a conspiracy perpetrated by birds
to prevent us from discovering their underground Fort Knox for babies.

Goodnight.