Best. Prostitute. EVER.

So I have a desk
this desk groans under the weight of many a mythological tome
and from time to time i will select a tome at random
and plunder it for material
one of these books is called The Giant Book of Myths And Legends
and it’s sort of like the costco bulk toilet paper of mythology
like if Kirkland sold myths, this is the book they would sell
i’m not saying it’s bad
it’s just repackaged with a generic brand name and sold in quantity

so this is the book I opened up today
only to discover a story entitled
and now, dear readers
i shall pass the savings on to you

so there’s this sage
he thinks he is the hottest shit since Danger Curry Night at Yoon’s House of Rectal Torment
and he is standing in front of a bigass crowd
all of whom concur re: the hotness of his shit
and he is further convincing them of his fecal febrility
by yelling smart words at them
he’s like “GUYS
Truth is great and everything
like, the emperor can pull mountains of tits out of thin air with the power of his sincerity
but that Truth doesn’t mean shit
unless the emperor actually produces the tits, see?
like, truth is fine and everything
but ACTION is where it’s at”
(Sidenote: this story takes place in a parallel universe
where being honest gives you superpowers)

and everyone is like YEAHHHH
except for one chick who is like NAWWWWW
and everyone is like WHAAAAAT?
and she’s like “Ok listen
I am a courtesan
which means I am a prostitute but with better jewelry
which means I am essentially a currency exchange that converts dollars into sex
my exchange rate is pretty good my friends
but this is not a sales pitch
this is a total verbal beatdown addressed to mister lavashits up on the podium
so point one:
I think we can all agree that charging a flat rate to let a dude touch your jibblies
is not a super pure thing to do
and everyone is like RIGHT
but they also think this lady is kind of a babe
so they say it in a polite way
and she’s like “Okay, so since I’m all impure and shit
I should not be able to … for example … turn the Ganges river backwards?”
and everyone is like “WHAT
and she’s like “okay
well I just did
also I gave you all handjobs without you noticing”
and everyone is like “WE ARE SMITTEN”
except the sage
who is like “…”

so the emperor is up in his castle
and he’s like “what the hell
the river is suddenly flowing backwards
this is terrible
everyone will die from the ecological consequences
i have to get to the bottom of this!”
but the only bottom he gets to
is the courtesan’s bottom
and he’s like “guhhhh”
and she’s like hey buddy my eyes are up here
what do you want
and he’s like “How you make river go backwards”
and she’s like “With the power of truth”
and he’s like “Okay well I’m familiar with that power
I have been known to use it to produce tits from thin air
but it seems like our city’s resident boner-silo should not be able to use it
you know
because her soul is too weighed down with all those boners”
and the courtesan is like “Look bro
I am what I am, and that’s all I can be
if a dude comes up to me and gives me cash money
and is like hey, I would like this money’s equivalent value in sex
I do not ask him where he went to college
or how much his dad makes
or any of that social status bullshit
I ask him whether he would like the lights on or off
and how he feels about pegging
and then we do it, and it’s awesome.
and the emperor is like “well normally i’d find a way to disagree
but you seriously just turned the whole river backwards
and I need you to turn that back around now so everyone doesn’t die
so uh
you win!”
and the courtesan is like “SWEET!
Now who wants their dick sucked from behind?”
and everyone lives happily ever after

so the moral of the story
is that it’s really hard to tell a lie
when there’s a dick in your mouth

the end.

5 thoughts on “Best. Prostitute. EVER.

  1. Don’t think we didn’t catch that, Ovid. We know what you’re in to now.

    And that’s cool. To each his own.


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