Category Archives: Creation Myth

CALIFORNIAAAAAA

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4

So eagle and crow
they are best buds
such good buds in fact
that when the world floods
eagle lets crow ride on his back
while they search for land

well tough tits for them
because there is no land anywhere at all
but finally they manage to find a stump at least
and eagle goes and sits on that
like finally fuck
i have been carrying you for like eleventy billion weeks asshole

then they get bored
so every day the two birds have a fish-catching contest
but then at the end of the day they just split the fish evenly
so it is not a very high stakes contest
remember they are best buds
and then they spend a bunch of time trying to find land
and failing
harrrd

then in the evening they always come back to the stump
like damn
i wonder if there’s a way for us to make land
we can’t dive deep enough to get any dirt
so what the fuck would we make it out of?

and this is what they do every day
until one day
a duck shows up
diving down to get fish
and coming up with more mud in his mouth than fish
because he is shitty at catching fish
so crow and eagle are like HOLY SHIT
we can USE THIS BIRD to get LAND
so they are like hey duck
we will give you fish
if you bring us mud
and duck is like sweet deal dudes
i’m on it
so for the next bajillion days
crow and eagle and duck
engage in what my source material calls
“a great game of fish and mud exchange”

guys
there are a lot of great games
fish and mud exchange is not one of them
any game that involves the words fish
and mud
and exchange
is a shitty game in my book
although actually settlers of catan is a lot like that
at least when you play with fish
i like settlers of catan
ANYWAY

eagle and crow are building the shit out of some mudpiles over here
all like BEST FRIENDS FOREVER
TOTALLY GONNA SPLIT THIS NEW LAND EVENLY
but then one day eagle goes away for a bit
and he comes back
and crow has STOLEN THE SHIT OUT OF LIKE HALF OF HIS MUD
and eagle is like what the fuck crow
what the fuck
and the two of them have a massive shit fit about it
and then eagle starts putting out twice as much fish for duck
as crow does
so duck brings eagle twice as much mud
and eagle’s land keeps getting bigger and bigger
and crow doesn’t even fucking notice
and then the rains stop
and the sun bakes the mud
and they keep building the fuck out of these mountains they are making
these things are MASSIVE
in fact if you were to go look for these dirtmounds now
you would not have a hard time finding them
because eagle’s mudpile is now known
as the FUCKING SIERRAS
and crow’s mudpile
is a bitchass puss nexus of a mountain range
known as the Coast mountain range
basically because while crow cheated one time
eagle cheated over and over again
for days and months and years

and now eagle is a fucking native american culture hero
for his honor and wingspan and shit
and everyone hates crow
because one time he stole some dirt
so the moral of the story i guess
is if someone fucks you over once
you can fuck them over in return
day after day
never stopping
never slowing down
and it will be okay
everyone will love you
and you will get to own the fucking sierras

the end.

The Norse are fucking brutal

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20

Alright so

you already know two ways the world might have been created
the mayan way and the greek way
and probably i guess you could make the argument
that you know the roman way too
because the romans are fucking copycatters
and maybe you have listened to some scientists
or some creation scientists
and you know one or two other ways
listen
I want you to forget everything you know about creation myths
because this myth
is going to BLOW YOUR DICK OFF FROM PURE WONDERMENT
and if you do not have a dick
it is going to SEW ONE ON
and then BLOW IT RIGHT THE FUCK OFF
you wanna know why?
because it’s NORSE MYTHOLOGY TIME
SHIT
YEAH
so to start out the world is already pretty badass
it is just two things:
one is a sea of pure all-devouring fire
called Muspell
guarded by a dude named Surt who is just waiting
WAITING
to ride out and murder all the gods
and then set the world on fire
by comparison the other half of the world is pretty lame
it is just a whole bunch of ice called Niflheim
no dudes in it or anything
just a bunch of glacial bullshit
and in between muspell and niflheim
there is a bigass trench
called Ginnungagap
which is just the most fun fucking thing to say
go ahead and say that five times fast
i gotta hand it to these norse dudes
they know how to name shit
without making every other letter an X
or a ptl
wait thats not even a letter
that is like the sound a baby makes when it throws up
fucking mayans
anyway in this worthless empty hole
called ginnungagap
is where shit starts to get real
because the cold from niflheim
bumps up against the heat from Muspell
and causes a bunch of vapor to condense
in ginnungagap
to create a frost giant
in ginnungagap
dude’s name is Ymir
and actually he is more of an ogre than a giant
and he is actually more of a fucking pansy than an ogre
because what is the first thing this guy does
but go to sleep
right there
in ginnungagap
sweating like a motherfucker
he sweats so hard
that a man and a woman grow out of his armpit
and then he sweats EVEN HARDER
causing his legs to fuck each other
and have a baby
so then this cow shows up
Audhumla
and starts shooting milk everywhere
literally four rivers worth of milk
and Ymir drinks all of it
cause there’s pretty much no one else to drink it
other than his legbaby
so then the cow gets bored
and starts licking ice
because apparently this ice is salty
and all of this licking
melts away enough ice
to form the shape of a dude
or maybe it is just the dude who appeared in Ymir’s armpit
ymir has mastered the art of being a neglectful father
anyway this guy’s name is Bor
he marries Bestla, the daughter of some giant
maybe the daughter of Ymir
who knows
Bor is quite a catch because he is super handsome and tall
but like
it doesn’t really matter
since i’m pretty sure Bor and Bestla
are like the only people who exist at this point
so they have three kids
Odin
Vili
and Vé
really the only one anyone gives a shit about is Odin
he is the ruler of all things essentially
and he gets his brothers to help him kill Ymir
who is probably still asleep
and has definitely not done anything to deserve being murdered
although some versions say ymir became too evil
and had to be destroyed
but they are not really clear what that means
maybe he was just snoring REALLY LOUD
and pissing Odin off
anyway they kill him
and the resulting torrent of blood drowns all the frost giants
except for one
who escapes with his wife in a hollowed out tree
nice genocide Odin
what are you going to do next
further desecrate your grandfather’s body by tearing him apart
and using his limbs as decoration
for a universe you and your brothers are building?
yes
this is exactly what they do
i mean you gotta give them credit
they use pretty much every part of this dude
like not only do they make his blood into lakes and oceans
and his bones into mountains
and skin into earth
and his teeth into tiny rocks
but they use his skull to make the sky
here is a word to the wise guys
skulls are not meant to be used as the sky
this is such a shitty idea that they have to get some like
cheap slave labor to make it work
so they go over to Ymir’s corpse
which is pretty fucking gross at this point
crawling with maggots
and they are like hey maggots
wanna be a sentient humanoid species?
and the maggots are like sure
so they turn into dwarves
and odin is like great awesome
how about you repay us by holding up this skull we found
we wanted to make it into the sky
but see skulls are not really for that
so we need one of you to hold up each corner
we will even name you guys north south east and west
it will be awesome
and the dwarves are like fuck fine
but listen
guys
just because they have already used ymir’s skull
and skin and bones and teeth and blood
does not mean they are finished defiling his corpse
because the next thing they do
is they chuck his brains into the air
and they become CLOUDS
yes
did you think clouds were beautiful fluffy collections of water vapor
WRONG ASSHOLE
BRAINS
BRAAAAAAAAINS
ok but then they settle down a little bit
and just make the stars out of all the sparks coming out of Muspell
and give all the land along the coast to the giants
i guess to say sorry for fucking ymir to death
and drowning most of the giants in the process
but the giants are still pissed
and Bor realizes oh shit
gotta protect myself from these giants
oh oh
i know
i’ll build myself a fort
but what will i build it out of
oh i know
EYEBROWS
YMIR’S
FUCKING
EYEBROWS
the fort he builds becomes a safe haven
for all the humans
called Midgard
oh also they drag ymir’s corpse over the gap
you know the one i’m talking about
ginnungagap
and Odin makes a place called asgard
using surpsingly few of Ymir’s body parts
and he lives there with his wife
her name is Frigg
and is apparently super-faithful to her
and fathers all the other gods
the first one he fathers is named thor
and i can already tell i am going to be talking alot about this dude
he is the son of odin and also the earth
the earth being both odin’s daughter
and his wife
oh also there is a tree at the center of the universe
called Yggdrassil
it has its roots in all the worlds
Muspell and niflheim
nflhel (which is just a fancy way of saying hell)
midgard (the eyebrow place)
jotunheim (where all the giants live)
also asgard
and this place called vanirheim
which is basically like one of the alternate universes
from like justice league unlimited
with like an evil spiderman and a cherry flavored batman or some shit
only instead of being the opposite of the asgard gods
(called the Aesir)
the Vanir in vanirheim are actually just way less depressing
than the aesir
and because of that
the two groups are CONSTANTLY at war
but eventually they make peace
and some of them actually join the aesir
which again
is just like justice league unlimited
and basically that is how the world gets made
proving once again
that your grandchildren are going to grow up and murder you
and also clouds are made of brains

The end

Switching shit up

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4

Okay so normally I talk about greek dudes

but i am going to switch it up right now and talk about some mayan dudes instead
for example
there is this one mayan dude
he has like fifty goddamn names
Like Hurucan
and Gugumatz
And Heart-of-Sky
and im not even really sure if he is one person or two people
because they keep acting like he is two people
but the two people never do anything independently
so they’re basically just one person
or like some kind of hive-mind
anyway we’re going to call this thing Quetzalcoatl
Quetzalcoatl is bored because all there is anywhere is just a whole bunch of water
and some sky
and it’s not even interesting sky because there is no light
so Quetzalcoatl is like okay boom
and there is some light
and then he goes boom again
and there is some land
but this is still pretty lame because what is the point
of being able to do this kind of shit
if there is no one around to get freaked out by how cool it is
so he has this great idea
and he makes some forests
and then he just makes up a bunch of animals
like jaguars and shit
a whole bunch of shit but mostly jaguars
and then he’s like
WHOA JAGUARS LOOK I JUST FUCKING MADE YOU
LIKE AS IF BY MAGIC OR SOMETHING
PRETTY NEAT HUH
And the jaguars are all rarrrr we are jaguars
we can’t talk or be impressed
so Quetzalcoatl is like aww fuck you guys
I’m gonna make some way more awesome creatures
and they are going to worship me
and you are going to be their SLAVES
so he gets some dirt
and he makes dirt-people
but the dirt-people really suck
because first of all
they are made out of dirt
second of all they only speak gibberish
and also they dissolve in water
so basically they are pretty lame
and Quetzalcoatl figures that even if they COULD worship him
he would get pretty embarassed
so he kills all of them
by dumping water on them
and then he calls these 2 other dudes
Xpiacoc and Xmucane
who have names that sound like antidepressants
and is like hey is it a good idea for me to make people out of wood?
and they say yeah go for it
so he makes people out of wood
like a whole bunch of wooden robots basically
and they can speak and walk around
and they don’t dissolve in water
but they are tremendous assholes
one might even say they had a STICK up their asses
get it get it
anyway
they totally forget to worship Quetzalcoatl at all
and he’s getting pretty pissed at this point
because he has seriously made EVERYTHING THAT EXISTS
and no one is giving him ANY CREDIT
so he kind of freaks the fuck out a little
and rains fire
and rain
and burns everything to cinders
and then makes all of the wood-people’s cookware come alive and kill them
and all the animals move into their houses and eat them
even though they are made of wood and totally not tasty
and meanwhile Quetzalcoatl makes a bunch of people
out of tortillas
and they live happily ever after
in fact everyone lives happily ever after
except the wood people
who get chased into the woods and turned into monkeys
so the moral of the story is
never set fire to a monkey
because it is made out of wood
and you will start a forest fire

The End.

Haven’t seen Clash of the Titans yet

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So everybody knows Zeus is the king of the gods, right?

WRONG.

Well right he is the king of the gods, but he wasn’t always.
For a while there was this guy Uranus who was a total asshole
haha uranus
anyway he was the king of the gods, born out of the sky or maybe it was the aether
i tend to forget this shit
but either way he was definitely married to Gaia
Who some sources say also gave birth to him
so … awkward
but like I was saying
Uranus boned Gaia a bunch
Because it was basically just him and Gaia alone in the universe and what else were they gonna do
and they had a whole bunch of kids
but the Uranus suddenly decides he hates all of the kids
and instead of like
giving them up for adoption or something
he just decides to try and stuff them all BACK INSIDE HIS WIFE
And she is the entire earth you understand so this would be fine if they were like
normal children
you know like BABIES or something
but they are not babies they are TITANS.
And so all these titans are writhing around in Gaia going nuts
and Gaia gets seriously fed up with this shit and tells one of them
whose name is Cronus
Hey cronus get your sissy-ass brothers
and get the fuck out of my womb and murder your father
and Cronus says ILL DO YOU ONE BETTER I’LL SAW OFF HIS BALLS
and Gaia says THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FANTASTIC PLAN
HERE HAVE MY BALL-SAWING SCYTHE
So one night Uranus is about to get busy with Gaia again
like i guess so he can father another baby and then stuff it back into her
but instead of getting sex he gets SURPRISE PENISECTOMY FROM HIS SON
all jumping out from behind a rock like PRANKED GOT YOUR DICK DAD
and Uranus’ dick falls into the ocean
and makes a whole ton of foam
and that is where Aphrodite comes from eventually
from dick-foam
that’s how classy SHE is.
So then Cronus is king of the gods suddenly
The gods being actually the other titans
including some dudes called the CYCLOPES and the HECATONCHEIRES
who have one eye and a hundred hands respectively
who Uranus had ESPECIALLY HATED
And part of the whole reason Cronus killed his dad was to free those dudes
but no sooner is he king then he goes PSYCHE and stuffs them right back into gaia’s cooch AGAIN
So obviously this pisses off Gaia
and it makes Cronus out to be a huge dick
even though he presides over the golden age of man
where dudes pop fully formed out of the earth and there is milk and honey everywhere and it is illegal to eat cows
Basically it comes to pass that an oracle tells cronus that his kid is gonna kill him
Just like he killed his dad
so he freaks the fuck out and is like SHIT I HAVE SO MANY KIDS I NEED TO CUT DOWN
MAYBE I SHOULD STUFF THEM INTO MY WIFE-waaaaaait a second
i’m becoming my father.
nobody wants that.
So instead cronus comes up with the sensible alternative of personally devouring all his kids
so he just goes around stuffing them all in his mouth
but the fact that he is eating his kids apparently does nothing to stop him from banging his wife Rhea
Because he is the king of the gods after all
so she keeps having kids
and he keeps demanding to eat them
but after a while she catches on to his crafty prank
and when she gives birth to Poseidon
and Cronos is all WHERE THE KID AT IM HUNGRY
she’s like oh that’s weird i gave birth to a horse instead of a kid whoops
and Cronos had no reason to disbelieve her because hey if Aphrodite can come from dickfoam then why can’t Rhea pop out a horse
So he eats the horse instead of poseidon
and then he gets Rhea preggers AGAIN
and this time she is pregnant with ZEUS
and CRONOS is all HEY WIFE STILL HUNGRY YOU GOT ANY MORE CHILDREN I CAN EAT
and Rhea is crafty as fuck and just takes a bigass rock
and dresses it up like a baby
and then feeds it to Cronos
but he catches onto that prank pretty fast
and starts running around probably just putting random parts of the world in his mouth
until he finds the one that has his son in it
so Rhea tells Zeus
you know what you should do is you should go free the CYCLOPES and the HECATONCHEIRES
and go murder your dad
and Zeus says I’ll do you one better
how bout instead of killing him
i make him vomit up all my siblings
and then i imprison him somewhere
and Rhea says we can work with that
So Zeus and those ugly one eyed dudes and the really ugly hundred-handed dudes
all siege the shit out of cronos
and then they stick their fingers down his throat
and he barfs up all the gods and goddesses, or at least a lot of them
and then Zeus is the king of the gods

The end.