I’m sorry, but this DeepSeek AI stuff is funny as shit.

Like, OpenAI has spent the last ten years systematically stealing content from everyone’s websites (including this one!!!) so that it can feed it into its hungry hungry data hole and shit out a robot that lies about everything and doesn’t know what hands are. This process has somehow required billions of dollars and so much electricity that massive corporations are actually considering funding renewable energy — not for good reasons, obviously; just so we can render higher fidelity anime titties. And then last week, a Chinese hedge fund releases an open source algorithm called DeepSeek that does everything OpenAI’s thieving bullshit machine can do, except better, and cheaper, and without being run by a pompous dipshit named Sam Altman who keeps talking about how scary his own product is. So BILLIONS of dollars of imaginary money disappears overnight as everyone realizes Sam Altman and NVIDIA and all the crypto bros gnawing on the rotting carcass of twitter were actually full of shit this whole time, and then — AND THEN — today AliBaba comes out and says it’s releasing an AI model that is even CHEAPER AND BETTER THAN DEEPSEEK. This is what pushed me over the edge. I am the joker now. I just asked deepseek where to buy clown makeup and now I am walking down the middle of the highway, typing this post on my phone with one hand while constantly firing a shotgun into the air.

I mean, somebody has got to be lying about something here, right? Either DeepSeek is lying about having made their thing for so cheap, or OpenAI has been lying about how expensive their shit was for the last ten years. OR, as OpenAI has started saying, maybe DeepSeek just stole all of OpenAI’s data and used it to train their better model for cheaper, which raises the question — why didn’t OpenAI just steal its own model to make a better one, instead of waiting for a Chinese hedge fund to do it?

No matter who’s telling the truth, one thing is certain: This is fucking hilarious. It’s hilarious that OpenAI, a company that was literally founded on stealing shit is now loudly complaining that their shit has been stolen. It’s hilarious that China is now competing with itself to see who can dunk on Sam Altman the hardest. And it’s hilarious that this clown fiasco is being heralded in some circles as a “pernicious vector of Chinese foreign influence” or “a national security threat,” when, as far as Chinese foreign influence is concerned, this feral hog of a country has been cooked for longer than OpenAI has been stealing everybody’s porn.

Flash back to 1994. Warner Brothers starts selling a few movies in China. They do pretty well, because up to this point the only movie anyone has had to watch over there is “This is How Good the Government is Part 6: Censored Version.” So Hollywood starts releasing more of their movies in China, and they’re making money, but there’s a problem: If anybody in Hollywood even THINKS about releasing a movie that pisses off the Chinese Communist Party, (even if they don’t release it in China!!!) China throws a fucking fit. That company gets shut out entirely, and they lose access to all those Chinese movie dollars. So Disney, and Sony, and all the other companies I hate all quietly stop making movies that criticize China, or have Chinese bad guys, or imply that Tibet might be a real country. This continues for decades. The Chinese markets get bigger, and the CCP starts demanding more and wilder shit. Like, did you know they don’t like time travel movies for some reason? Yeah, nobody even really understands why!!! But that hasn’t stopped Hollywood from scrapping a bunch of them!!!

Because, see, it’s expensive to make a movie, and then send it to Chinese censors, and then wait for them to tell you what they think is wrong with it. So instead what ends up happening is that big movie studios try to guess ahead of time what China won’t like, and just keep that shit out of their movies to begin with. And this is how you end up with weird Chinese product placement in American blockbusters, and generic plots about characters who never quite seem to challenge authority, and I swear this is related to DeepSeek, just bear with me.

See, we’re used to thinking of propaganda as something countries intentionally do to their own people, like how Call of Duty is obviously an advertisement for the US Army. And I think a lot of people are aware that American entertainment has historically been used to influence other countries, too. But I don’t think enough people realize that China has been making us do their propaganda for them for the last thirty years. Our movies are still allowed to call out our own government for being insane and corrupt. We’re allowed to mock our own politicians. But for the last three decades — and I didn’t even realize this until I started to actually think about it — nobody has said shit about the Chinese. And everybody was fine with this as long as studios were making money. But then TikTok started beating Instagram, and DeepSeek started beating OpenAI, and all the rich fuckboys who populate our crypto oligarchy are suddenly whining that China is baaaaad and all their technology is eeeeevil and it needs to be baaaaaanned. And despite their obviously cynical financial motives, most of that shit is probably true! And they’re gonna get what they want in the end, because they’re basically the government. But what makes this so funny is that most of us have spent the majority of our lives consuming propaganda that makes us extremely unsympathetic to the American position — propaganda which was produced by American megacorporations! And now they’re mad about it! Holy shit!

So I guess what I’m saying is, Sam Altman and Mark Zuckerberg and Sundar Pichai and all the other men I hate should stop shaking their tiny fists at the great nation of China. Chinese ingenuity is unmatched, their economy thriving, their industry tireless. I should know! I learned it from watching movies!